SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am new here. Now I am apparently in my 'writing it all down, it helps' era.

You have no idea how many times I have heard this so called 'advice' from friends, family and therapists. So I thought fuck it ill give it a try.

FYI I do swear, apologies now if this offends anybody but I'm a grown up so hey, look away! I will most likely experience every emotion known to man and am and always will be, brutally honest. No sugar-coating here I'm afraid.

So long story short. Fiancé of two years, been together 20, absolute love of my life, childhood sweetheart, father of my children, one with additional needs may I add. Suffered some kind of mental breakdown or fell into the deep dark hole that is depression and embarked on a journey of self discovery. Going for regular haircuts, buys new clothes, eats perfectly, counting calories. He then began exercising every day religiously, got a gorgeous new set of abs and arms to die for. He started socialising more with his friends. Great I may hear you say? Not so much for me as you will go on to learn. The exercise lead to what I believe is now body dysmorphia. Which triggered the depression making it a shit ton worse. I booked therapy that he didn't go to. Doctors appointments, he didn't attend and held him whilst he cried many many nights in a row. How silly do I feel now?

Anyway...he then chose to begin an affair with somebody from said gym. Lovely......

Her husband was very keen to share all of the evidence with me of the countless messages and pictures between them and I have had felt nauseous along side every other emotion known to man/woman/child ever since.

I knew about this woman. I had gone looking. I knew her name, where she worked, what car she drove and what she did in her spare time (I know, modern day Sherlock Holmes) and most importantly I knew she had her own HUSBAND. I found messages. Questioned, it was all denied and I was gaslight to fuckery. I kept a very close eye on them both until, I woke up one morning to find a friend and message request from a name with a surname I immediately recognised. The husband. My stomach fell out of my arse and my whole body was shaking so much I couldn't hold my phone straight. FUCK. I knew EXACTLY what this is all about. My intuition and gut feeling was spot on. I was hoping that it was only something silly like inappropriate messages maybe a dick/boobs pic worst case scenario? Nope. A full blown affair. Messaging for 6 months, slept together once. They now have a connection and feelings for each other. How romantic. (Note the sarcasm)

I got all the details from him, from the husband and then from her (when she finally plucked the courage to reply to my messages....coward) it happened once. Sexually that as. Both agreed but I can never be certain. As if this makes is better in any way. They both stressed that it was never going to lead to anything and that they were chasing temporary happiness. Apparently they had become great friends who shared similar interests and obviously found each other attractive. Now the 'great friend' part actually did made me laugh. She's never been round for dinner? She doesn't come to our children's birthday parties. And I can assure you, we have never received a bloody Christmas card from her! So that is not what I call a good friend in my eyes. I think he was a bit confused, bless his heart. Somebody jumping on your penis to get revenge on her own cheating husband, is not what a good friend does. You would offer a hug, a shoulder to cry on or possibly even a tissue to mop up the tears.

I find my local butcher handsome, but do I and would I want to do the naked dance of love with him? Absolutely not. I am as loyal as they come. Although his profession and the set of skills he has acquired may come in useful if I were ever in need of disposing of a body. I joke! Honest....

You may be able to tell that I am injecting humour into this because this is the only way I can physically and mentally cope with this. It feels as though I have been pushed into a room, had a grenade thrown at me and then left to pick up the pieces alone. The reality is that I am completely broken. Mind, body and soul. I am having therapy twice a week. Am on medication for depression and anxiety. I am not sleeping and my doctor wants me to take more meds for that. I am scared of everything, even leaving my own house. Terrified of what the future brings. We were engaged and planning our dream wedding. I feel at though everything is tainted (his body and our relationship), everything has been ruined and I've lost our future that we have planned and worked so hard for. I am completely distraught and not functioning at all. I am dragging myself up every morning to be a mum to two children who miss their daddy. Trying to navigate my own heartbreak is nothing like trying to help children through it when they only know that mummy and daddy are having some space because sometimes grown ups need time to process things. One of this things about a child with autism, trying to explain reasons why can be extremely difficult and therefore even more challenging. They are heartbroken too. I have been signed off work for over two months now due to stress. I have lost over two stone in weight and I am a shell of a person now. Which I am sure many of you can understand well. Day after day, night and day, I feel sick. Tight chest, nausea, aches and pains and all I do is cry. I have never cried so much as I have the last two months. I wave the kids off to school and I sob. Lay in bed and sob.

My heart and head are in two different places. He is undergoing therapy himself but not once has he said that he wants to try and put things right. He says that he is broken himself and needs to work on himself to be the man I deserve. I feel as though this is a nice way of finalising things but he hasn't said that. I believe he is sorry, I believe that he is remorseful. But he did it consciously. Knowing I was onto him, it carried on. He regrets it. HE said that he got caught up in something because he was so unhappy and low in himself that she made him distracted and feelings grew, only to look back now and realise it was more infatuation due to the secrets and excitement. I don't know if that is true also. You cannot blame mental health for these things but I do know they can cloud your judgement.

I feel I have a lot of love for him. But I do not know how I will ever get over this.

Any advice on anybody who has had anything similar or has any tips on how to pull myself together would be so grateful.

Welcome to SI and so sorry you're here. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some posts pinned to the top that you may find helpful. Also, there are some unpinned posts with bull's eye icons that are very helpful. The Healing Library is at the top of the page, and has a ton of resources.

The symptoms you're describing of yourself? It's your brain on trauma and it's possible that you have PTSD, or will qualify when you hit the "time" listed in the diagnostic manual. For me, it was a good thing that I worked from home, because I would just sit at my desk and cry.

My second therapist was a betrayal trauma specialist and helped me so much. Do you have access to an IC with trauma-informed therapy or something similar?

Your WF (wayward fiance) should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a nice blueprint to follow to help you out. If he doesn't read it, then you may have part of your answer. Another good resource is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

You're right - he made conscious decisions to lie and cheat. Plus the gaslighting? That's abuse, so there's another layer of healing for you.

Can you get through this? Yes, you can. It takes time and healing. As for the relationship? Well, that's what you decide and can work on what you want. You don't have to make a decision today.

I’m so sorry you’re here, I found out about my husband’s infidelity on New Year’s Eve so i think I’m maybe 6-7 weeks in and it sounds like you are emotionally feeling the same as me which I’m told is normal. Although feeling like this is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before.
I can’t offer much advice because I don’t have a clue what I’m doing myself but I just wanted to let you know you are seen and heard.

I don't know that I have any good advice to give. I can describe my experience, maybe it will help.

It took me a good two months to be able to eat normal meals again, to sleep more than four hours a night, and to have a little bit of spare brain power that wasn't consumed by the affair. I would listen to, or read interesting books to take my mind off of reality. I would go for long walks alone. I would go to the gym. I was going to IC from pretty early on after D-day.

After about 6 months it started to get better. I was able to sleep through the night as long as nothing woke me up. I felt like I was starting to get back to myself a little. I was able to start thinking about old hobbies I used to enjoy, and about the future. This was a double edged sword for me because I also had enough brain power to really think about what the betrayal meant and how bad it really was. This made things worse for me for a couple of months.

At 10 months it feels like I'm coming out of the trough caused by the additional understanding. It still really sucks, but I'm feeling more balanced.

I have to agree with Bruce123 intimate betrayal is like nothing I've experienced. In one blow I felt more pain and devastation than all bad events from my entire life combined. People who have never been betrayed like this cannot understand how it feels IMO.

Time is your friend in this situation.

In some ways what he’s saying is positive. IMHO people cheat because of issues THEY have (probably validation issues in 99%) and not because of issues in their relationship. At least he seems on-board with that.

But...
I want to address a very practical matter. Please be aware I’m not placing any religious or moral value in this issue – it’s PURE practicality.
20 years together, 18 "engaged", 0 married...
What marriage does is it formalizes things. It varies country to country, state-to-state, but generally it makes things like kids born in wedlock automatically fathered by the husband, property purchased equally owned irrespective of name-on-deed, income joint and so on. In many places it guarantees the widow/widower certain rights and inheritance, pension, insurance... a whole lot of stuff.
Many countries – UK included – offer partnerships and all that comparable rights, or at least the ability to get those rights.

We need to recognize the seriousness of what you are dealing with, and ignoring that this MIGHT end in a separation would be foolhardy – especially considering there are children involved.

THEREFORE my first suggestion is to do some research. Like... who owns the home you live in? If you rent – who is on the lease? What about accounts, cards, vehicles...
Basically – IF this ends in separation what would that look like.

This knowledge can help you on your decision for the future. You now know what THAT option would be.

The fact that you've been together for 2 decades, have kids together, but are "engaged" for 2 years stuck out to me as well.

Now I recognize that in countries outside of the U.S., it's more common to cohabit indefinitely without formally getting married. But just based on couples I've known in similar situations, the men were keeping one foot out the door... they didn't want to lose the comfort and security they have with their long-term partners while keeping their options open. As painful as the idea might be to contemplate, I think it's seriously worth reflecting on your relationship and whether that assessment might apply to your relationship.

As for your partner and OW's claim that they slept together once, I seriously doubt that. They're both trying to cover their asses, so they will only admit to the absolute bare minimum that they think you or her husband will be able to prove. You should assume that they were sleeping together as often as they had the opportunity to do so and that it was unprotected.

Also, if you haven't already, make sure you get screened for STDs, even if your partner claims he used a condom (he didn't). One of the stupidest things about married cheaters is that they assume that their APs are "clean."

I'm so sorry you find yourself here, HelloSTK. Two months is still early in the journey, though it might feel like an eternity. I was a mess on many days after the kid left for school and my cheating spouse (AKA "WS" for wayward spouse) left for work. Somewhere around the 5 or 6 month mark, it started to get less frequent. It's been over two years now, and most days, I can get on with life without shedding tears.

Yes, the future you'd envisioned is in shambles. Your WS destroyed it. A lot of your focus might be on him and his behavior, but do what you can to soothe your mind (any distraction is good as long as they are short mental breaks and not self-destructive, like a tv show or a video game). Force yourself to get outside - it's a potent reminder that the world still exists even if the one in your head looks like a bomb went off. Meet with friends and family - go out, have lunch, do some shopping or visit a spa. Remind yourself that people love you and enjoy your company. Find ways to vent the anger. Break stuff that isn't too valuable. Sing along to your favorite songs played really loudly. I did a lot of screaming in the shower.

None of this will be a quick fix, but exercise, hydration, fresh air, and distractions will allow your mind and body to heal bit by bit. This might be the worst emotional pain you ever go through. That's normal, and you're not alone.

I feel I have a lot of love for him. But I do not know how I will ever get over this.

"Getting over it" looks different for different people. You might find yourself gradually falling out of love with him, as happened with me. You might decided to rip off the bandaid and break up with him in a month or two. You might spend the next several years trying to reconcile with him, and you might succeed. Unfortunately there is no crystal ball to tell us the right path. We have to muddle through it day by day until we're clear-headed enough to be sure of what we want.

In the meantime, we are here if you need virtual support on this journey.