SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone,

I’ve been going through it since DDay in early October last year and this forum has helped me tremendously. I want to start by saying thank you to anyone who’s posted or given advice because it kept me going.

I’ll start my story in July of 2024. My wife of 5 years (together 11) and I had an argument and she wound up leaving. She spent time with my cousin and some friends from work and was gone for 3-4 days. She comes home and we work things out (or so I thought.) We talk about our future and agree to be better for one another. Following this, I believe I did everything in my power to hold up my end of the deal. I began to look into IVF treatments to start a family with her, helped out around the house a lot more, made sure to get her flowers and gifts, etc. (basically all of the things that we argued about before she left).

The next 2 months are great. Sex life is increased, spending more time together, etc. but one night I woke up around 3am and had a weird urge to go through her phone. I find a deleted call from a mutual friend and coworker. Particularly the coworker she spent time with when she was away from me. I also found a text that was to my cousin that said "just helped him get the kids to bed" when she initially told me that she was at the coworkers house alone. The next day I confront her and she initially says "he tried to kiss me" and that turned into TT for a few weeks.

Let’s talk about the coworker for a sec. Married, multiple kids, guys a few years older than me. Initially she told me that he was not there. They have been friends for years prior to this incident, I believe that nothing happened before this.

Turns out that one of the nights my wife was gone, she went to his house. She didn’t know that his wife wouldn’t be there. My wife had serious drug and alcohol issues at the time and he tried to take advantage of my wife when she was drinking. They did make out but nothing further, apparently the coworkers wife came home early and interrupted them. Following that event, my wife said that he would bring up how he wished that it went further, etc at work. My wife stated that she initially tried to place boundaries but they kept getting pushed back further and further. One day the coworker sends a nude and my wife reciprocates. This happens another time a few days later and my wife reciprocates again. There was also a FaceTime of sexual activity a few days before the affair ended. There was a lot more of the emotional affair including them talking badly about their spouses, talking all day, etc. but the sexual stuff is what bothers me most, even if it’s *just* sending nudes.

The affair ended when my wife found out that he was having multiple relationships like this with other coworkers. I know that sounds terrible as it wasn’t guilt or shame or her coming to her senses. I looked through her phone records and she went from calling him multiple times a day to not speaking at all until the call that I found. She said he called her and she told him she was working things out with me and then blocked him on everything. This is true, he was blocked on DDay when I checked.

Essentially the affair lasted 3 weeks before it fell apart. My wife went and had a polygraph done on her own to answer questions about whether she had sexual intercourse of any kind with him. All indicators point to her not having sex with AP. Since DDay my wife has changed completely. She’s started IC, taken full responsibility, met every demand, and is taking steps to become a safe partner. She’s also gotten into church (was previously atheist) and stopped all drinking and drug abuse. She truly is the partner that I had for many years before this rough spell, heck, maybe even better. I believe everything that she has told me to be true and believe that the polygraph speaks volumes because I didn’t force her to do it.

Also I know it’ll be asked, yes I did try to tell AP’s wife. She is in disbelief and stated that my wife is making this all up to get attention from me. I finally sent her irrefutable proof which was knowledge of her prior affair, stuff that my wife wouldn’t know unless AP told her. I haven’t gotten a response back since then.

Now let’s get to present day. It’s been about 3 months, I know, it’s early. But man, I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel. It seems like I’m past the heartbroken stage and now I just feel nothing. I feel sad when I think about not being with her, but I also am at peace that things will be okay either way. I’m taking steps to make myself happy again. Finally went back to the gym on Sunday for the first time since DDay. I guess I’m looking for guidance on what emotions to expect and if what I’m feeling now is normal? If you have any resources for me to check out I’m also open to books! I’ve read a few but can’t remember the titles (the one that talks about love banks and Not Just Friends)

Edit: I don’t want it to come off like I was the perfect partner. I am well aware that I didn’t make my wife have this affair, but I certainly had my parts in the mess. I was not a good partner prior to this, constantly spending time away from my wife with my hobbies, marriage was sub par, and I was very mean the morning that she left. She woke me up crying and I scolded her for having bad mental health and it turned into a big fight before she left. Just wanted to take my part in our marriage troubles, I’m not oblivious to that.

[This message edited by youngblood at 3:51 PM, Wednesday, January 15th]

Her "rapid turnaround" is suspicious because it looks like all things meant to appease you, but will not stick long-term. Going to church when formally an atheist? That one's for show. Once the chaos and limerence wear off, she'll drop that habit. One night out she's going to think "I've been good, one drink won't hurt. Or one puff. Or one pill" and then it'll all come crashing down again. One flirty text is going to awaken old feelings and she'll start to become secretive again. At first, you won't notice. But she'll get comfortable and she'll slip further until it becomes glaringly obvious to you again that something is off.

Don't trust her, she hasn't proven anything to you yet. Make sure she stays in therapy. Keep an attorney on standby.

I am so sorry you had to find us, Youngblood. But this is a great group of people who truly understand what you are going through like no one else. And it sucks. You will hear from folks with experience and you may hear things that you do not like. Please take what works and leave the rest, but also note that sometimes it is the things that tick us off that are the things we may be deceiving ourselves about. In the end, you know your situation best, and we can only reply to what we read.

That said, an EA is just as bad as a PA. And to many, making out IS a PA. (And were there other acts, not just actual intercourse?) Did you see the test results from the polygraph? Very unusual for a WS to take that step unprovoked. And so many WS minimize their actions - just a kiss becomes oral sex becomes…. They are trying to tell you the bare minimum and diluted version of the story. Not saying she is doing this, but it happens a lot.

The increased sex may be hysterical bonding (google it to learn more). Enjoy it - it doesn’t always last, unfortunately. But it is a way of "claiming" you partner and is totally normal.

And your emotions will be ALL. OVER. THE. PLACE. We call it a roller coaster because you will be whipped around by emotions for seemingly no reason. Your brain is trying to process what it believed was the truth of your past and compare it to the reality of your past and it is very hard. You start to question everything you thought you knew - was it real? Was she being honest? It’s a mindf*ck and it takes a long time for your brain to sort out. You will ask the same question over and over again as your brain tries to verify what it knows and what it doesn’t know. All totally normal.

Have you and she had full STD/STI testing? This is 100% required, even if she says she didn’t have sex. You just can’t risk her minimizing any interaction. Also her willingness to get tested and share the results with you will show you her dedication to helping you feel safe.

Glad you are in the gym. Keep that up. Taking care of yourself physically will help your emotions. Eat well, drink lots of water, avoid drugs/alcohol, exercise daily, and get enough sleep. If sleep or anxiety are a problem, see your doctor. (Maybe while getting that STI testing…) If you can’t eat, try protein shakes to help. The unintentional infidelity diet can be rough.

See a lawyer or three to understand what D might look like- not to file. Knowledge is power, and by understanding what D might look like will help you from making decisions from a place of fear and uncertainty. It can also help you avoid making decisions that can hurt you later if things end up in D. You don’t need to tell her - this is to help you have control.

Who are you talking to IRL? Confiding in people who will support you whether you R or D can be extremely helpful. IC (individual counseling) can also be a life saver. Look for one who specializes in trauma. Family, pastor, bestie… you need an outlet. Journaling can also be very therapeutic.

Remember that NOTHING you did or didn’t do as a H caused her A. There may be have been areas for improvement - no marriage is perfect - but having an A was her choice and is 100% on her. She had many other options if she was unhappy - cheating was the most destructive one and she chose that. Do not let her use the word mistake - mistakes are forgetting milk at the grocery. She made many conscious decisions.

Lastly, your emotions will ebb and flow. Once the shock wears off, you may be numb. Many of us go through a rage/anger phase, sometimes around the 6 month mark. Others describe a POLF (plane of lethal flatness) in year 2 as the reality of the whole thing finally settles in.. it wasn’t a bad dream and we can’t go back to life before the A. So expect changes.

Oh, and be sure to pay more attention to her actions and not her words. It will take consistent actions over time that will help you see if R is possible. And think about what YOU need to feel secure. Have her read the book "how to help your spouse heal" by Linda McDonald. Read it yourself, too - short but good read.

Hang in there and keep posting. Do you have kids? What ages? Family nearby? Good jobs? Has she changed jobs (which if she works with an AP then that should be required)?

You WILL get through this. Thousands have sadly walked this path before you. Some R, some D, some stay married but not in R for a variety of reasons… but all survived. Hang in there.

Responding to Bearly,

She brought me the polygraph results the day that she got it done. Questions asked about oral sex, full blown sex, if she’s cut contact since the last phone call, and if she only kissed him once. All came back truthfully.

She got a new job immediately, no questions asked. It was painful because she worked very hard to get her position and had to give it up due to this. It was a natural consequence. Thankfully she got a remote job with the same salary and now she’s at home, we are still living together and working on things.

Regarding STD checks, we will have those done asap. We talked about them and she is more than open to testing.

As for kids, we have none. Thankfully everything is in my name regarding our finances, house, vehicles. She said if we divorce she only wants her belongings and car, if we actually got one who knows what she’d want. I will reach out to lawyers in the near future, love the idea of having that knowledge.

Thanks for all the insight and advice. I think she actually read the book you mentioned. We have our first counseling session on the 21st. Kind of excited to dive into everything and see how it goes.

As for kids, we have none. Thankfully everything is in my name regarding our finances, house, vehicles. She said if we divorce she only wants her belongings and car, if we actually got one who knows what she’d want. I will reach out to lawyers in the near future, love the idea of having that knowledge.

Ok that SOUNDS good, but I’d deeply suggest backing it up in writing ASAP. Talk to your lawyer about her signing to that effect in a post-nup if the marriage ends for ANY reason. Obviously, she’d need to agree to that. This is a natural consequence of her choices. Don’t fall for those who claim any consequence is nothing but "bitter punishment / revenge". Ridiculous.

If she had serious drug and alcohol issues, are these being addressed?

If she’s not currently using drug or alcohol, do you think that commitment will continue?

Great advice regarding getting her words into writing. I will bring this up next time we discuss our future together. I think it’s a great idea to hold her to her words.

Regarding the drug and alcohol use, she has not used any of these substances at all since DDay. She was abusing prescription medications and drinking daily. I wasn’t aware of this during the time.