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So, I told our adult sons about their Dad’s 21 year affair/relationship on Thursday.
Without doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

They have both said that they’ve only ever seen an amazing man and Father and never seen any issues between us (my H says that’s because there weren’t any) so this is a massive shock to them.

My eldest son is obviously massively hurt and upset. He wanted to speak to his Dad and told him that he still loves him but he’s incredibly disappointed in what he’s done and the trust has gone. But he said that he won’t abandon him, as he’s still his Dad. He wants us to remain civil whatever path we take after this.

My youngest son is again massively hurt and upset but he’s angry as well. Again, tells me that he still loves him but he hasn’t been able to talk to his Dad yet. He’s feeling more angry about it.

I’ve always put my sons first (I was a SAHM for years) so we’re very close. They know I’m here for them and we are talking all the time. It devastates me to see them so shocked, let down and upset.

They’ve both told the people closest to them. And they have other people that I’ve told who they can reach out to.

Anyone with any advice for dealing with adult kids when they find out please? It’s obviously completely different than if they were much younger.
And, because this OW has been in my H’s life since my sons were under 3, they’re feeling it extra due to the length of time.

Thanks in advance.

As adults it is their relationship with their father that they have to fix or redevelop or abandon or change.

You just have to be sure that you are not standing in the way of whatever relationship they choose to have (which I’m sure you will not).

It may take some time before things return to normal or start to feel better, for both them and you.

Encourage them to talk about it — with a trusted friend or relative or professional (or even you). Be prepared to listen but not give advice unless asked to.

I hope they can accept their dad, even with this new information

Thanks The1stWife, I am most definitely encouraging and supporting them to try and keep a relationship with their Dad. Despite what he’s done, I don’t want to see him lose his sons (even if he deserves to),

My eldest son is talking to his Dad. Has expressed his disgust and disappointment with him and has been upset. Wants to know why he’s done this but has told him that he still loves him. So I think, in time, they can rebuild. Even though it’ll never be the same I think they’ll be ok.

My youngest son is taking it much harder. He’s been very angry one minute to completely distraught the next. He has spoken to his Dad a little to tell him how he feels but he’s really struggling with this. I keep telling him that it’s incredibly early and that he’s had a massive shock and trauma. Just keep encouraging him to talk and to give this some time.

It’s absolutely heartbreaking to see. Some days I’ve regretted telling them but they’re both in their 20’s so it was becoming more and more difficult to play happy families in front of them.

You needed to tell them. Otherwise they would blame you for the D.

They were owed the truth. If they uncovered the truth from someone other than you, they would be upset that you deceived them as well.

I am certain that things will improve over time. The initial shock is overwhelming but once they can accept the truth, I hope they can repair their relationship with their father.

So sore this has destroyed them. Another thing the cheater just doesn’t get.

So sorry you and your boys are going through this. Since we are working hard on R and it seems to be going in the right direction we are not telling our adult sons anything at this point. But if things deteriorate and R starts to look unlikely I will be in your shoes. It sounds like you did the right thing for your situation and I know it must be doubly hard trying to support your sons during this when you are struggling to get your own mind around it. All I can do is offer my support and hope you can all heal from this nightmare. We all have your back, whenever you need to unload. I love how we are all here for each other.

Thanks AlteredReality, things are still very up and down. My sons are speaking to their Dad but it’s only about every day things. They haven’t wanted to speak about the affair. Which is fine but I do worry they are bottling things up.
All I can do is keep reminding them that I’m here for them and that we’ll get through this together

NumbandBroken—haven’t seen any posts from you in a few days—just checking in to see how you’re doing. Hoping we can PM soon as it seems like we are on similar paths. Take care and stay strong.

Hi AlteredReality, thank you so much for checking in. So kind of you.
Things are ok. My sons are still much the same, although things are a little calmer.
My eldest son is talking to his Dad, said he’s his Dad and he’ll always love him. But he’s so disappointed with what he’s done and that the trust has gone. But I know they can rebuild their relationship but it won’t be as strong as it was.
My youngest son is looking at it much more deeply. He’s angry and feeling incredibly let down by his Dad. He passes time of day with him but it’s very strained. Again, I know they can rebuild their relationship but I don’t think it’ll be the same as my other son.
It’s incredibly sad to see it but it’s all on my H. And he knows it.
How are things with you?

I’m hanging in there. We started our time apart this weekend so it’s been much quieter without him here. We were so "on top of each other"—physically being in the same house all the time and emotionally feeding off each other’s current moods—we both believe this is the right thing to do for the next few weeks. I’m continuing my IC, scheduled a massage, doing my volunteer work at the animal shelter, doing some projects I have put off, getting out for walks or to the gym for exercise, and just working on my own headspace without worrying about his for a change. I set ground rules of only one text per day just to make sure we are alive, and he wants to meet up on weekends for a "date" and to see how things are going. We took a break from MC this weekend but are restarting next week. When we have thoughts we want to share, either silly or serious ones, we are writing them in journal notes in our phones and will share them with each other on the weekend. So far so good—I’ll let you know how the weekend goes. I’m hoping he misses the hell out of me and finally understands what is at stake here. It’s his loss if he doesn’t, right? I’m working on being ok either way. Honestly what were these guys thinking, anyway? Nobody would get hurt if we didn’t find out???? In what universe does that ever happen? Ugh. I can’t imagine how I can forgive him for this betrayal but I am working on it. Trust is a whole other issue. Hopefully we will come out of this with a rebuilt and improved relationship. Take care.

Ugh. Such a hard thing for your boys and you. They're adults, but their dad is still someone I imagine they look up to, and it's jarring to discover in this way that your parent is flawed.

My 18- and 21-year old uncovered my husband's second affair three weeks ago, so our situation was different in that no one had to tell them. Their discovering this was pretty traumatic, as was the fact that my husband denied and lied to their faces when they confronted him with hard evidence. Having seen what that path looks like, I fully support your decision to tell your kids.

And it's promising that both of your sons are talking to their father, even if the conversations aren't about the affair. Mine have yet to speak to their father (they are both at out of state colleges so it has been easy for them to maintain no contact, which has been their choice). In both situations, however, our kids have been betrayed, just as we have. And there is a grieving process, an enormous sense of loss, and the emotions that come with wondering if your childhood, your family, and everything as you've known it has been a lie. It'll take a long time for our kids to heal.

It's great that they each have a close circle of people they have felt comfortable telling and that they can rely on for support. Even so, if your sons are open to IC, I'd suggest that to them. As much as you're trying to be supportive of them and allow them to find their own way with their dad - without influencing them or pressuring them in a certain direction - it would be challenging for anyone to be totally neutral and unbiased in this situation. And, you're already using up so much of your own emotional energy to care for yourself, that it may not always be possible for you to give what you'd like to your sons. So if IC is an option, that would be a way for them to have additional support and perspective. Of course you want to be there for them, and you are, but no mom can carry the entire load in this circumstance, no matter how much she might want to. So just something to consider.

Wishing you weren't in this situation, and it sounds like you have been amazingly strong and thoughtful. Your sons see that and will remember how you carried yourself together, so be proud of how you're showing up for them at a time when their father has shown himself to be so much less.

Hi AlteredReality, I think you’re handling things really well and have set out some really good boundaries for the time apart. And yes, if he doesn’t use this time to dig deep and realise what he could be losing then he’s beyond help!
Make sure you allow plenty of time for self care and put yourself first for a change. Let’s hope and pray that the time apart gives him some space to clear his head and realise what’s important here.
I really hope this works out for you both. You’ve been together such a long time so it’s absolutely heartbreaking to think that you might end up going your separate ways. I feel exactly the same about my marriage.

My H is trying his absolute hardest. He’s taking his IC incredibly seriously and we’re talking every day about what’s he’s done and why he’s done it. I still think that his affair went on for far too long for me to ever trust him again but, when I see him doing everything that’s asked of him and taking full responsibility, I wonder whether our marriage can be saved? Then I snap back to reminding myself that he had OW in his life for over 20 years and question why I’m still with him.
Such a rollercoaster and not something that anyone could imagine dealing with unless they’re actually living it themselves.
Please keep in touch and hopefully we’ll be able to PM soon.

Arnold01, thank you. You sum up the situation perfectly. My sons have always loved, respected and looked up to their Dad so, to find this out about him, has devastated them. But I’m a good person and, although he’s hurt me deeply, I would always encourage them to keep a relationship with their Dad.
We haven’t shared this news with lots of people, only close family and friends. And they are all absolutely shocked and in total disbelief, because all of them respect him too and say that this is not the actions of the man they know. It’s as if he’s been 2 different people and no one saw this coming.
We’re both having our own IC and would definitely encourage our sons to do the same if they wanted to.
I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation too. I hope you can rebuild your life and find happiness.

NumbandBroken: thanks for your encouraging words. I hope you and your sons are working through this mess as best as you can. If we end up unable to reconcile then I will need to tell mine as well. I can’t imagine they will take it any better than yours, especially the son who lives with us. Like your husband, mine was the last person anyone would suspect of having an affair—the few people who know are as shocked as I was. I’m having a rough night and just feeling so sad and alone right now, and so angry to have been put in this position. Also nervous about what the weekend will bring when we see each other. At times I feel really positive about our chances but other times not so much. I know it’s normal to keep going up and down emotionally but it doesn’t make it any easier. I’ll feel better in the morning I’m sure. It’s been so freezing cold here with ice everywhere that I can’t even take my long walks to feel better—I walked in the mall today but it’s not the same. Thanks for being there, even if you are far away on another continent.

I totally get what you say about being so up and down. I can feel one way in the morning and then totally different in the afternoon. One minute I’m thinking my marriage is over but then the next I’m thinking I can’t just throw away almost 30 years. Especially if he can keep with his IC and get some proper help.
Some days I think I’m being logical, other days I think I’m mad!
I hope you get on ok at the weekend. I’m not really in a position to give you advice as this is all new to me too. But, seeing as I’m still living with my H, we are taking time to sit and talk every day.
I say exactly what I’m feeling and what’s on my mind and he answers my questions and listens. He’s being patient and understanding (well, so he should be).
So far it’s working for us and we’re remaining civil and I find it helps me as I’m not left pondering questions too long.
But we all have to find our own way through these challenging times and find what works for us best.
If only we were much nearer and could be a support to one another easier!
I hope today has been a better day for you 🤗

Hi AlteredReality, how are you doing? 🤗

Hey thanks for checking in with me. I started posting to you yesterday but got interrupted and never got to finish. My husband came home yesterday from his week alone at our beach house and after some serious talk and sharing of the journaling we did while apart, he came to the realization that he doesn’t need any more time away and would rather be home where we can be together. The time apart was helpful for both of us to make some realizations and get some clarity, but he also realized as we were talking that not being with me was allowing thoughts of her to start rearing up in his head, which he doesn’t want to let happen. I am glad he is not going to the hotel and feels ready to stay here and be present to build back our marriage. So I am cautiously optimistic, and it all just feels different and better now. I made the decision while I was alone last week to stop playing the part of the "wounded victim" in a play that I never wanted to be involved in in the first place. I am going to enjoy this new relationship we are forging, the connection and closeness we now have that was missing for years that I didn’t even realize. I’m done moping around feeling sorry for myself; the sadness and anger is still there of course but I am shifting my focus to see a path to forgiveness which feels like a heavy weight is being lifted from me. I’m working on just being present in the marriage we have now and getting back to enjoying life again. I hope I can hold onto feeling this way but I know we still have a long way to go and that emotional rollercoaster will still be running—just hoping maybe the drops won’t be as steep. I am just trying to be about the here and now, and not keep trying to predict the future, which is pointless anyway.
Anyway, enough about me. How are you doing? I’ve been thinking about you and all you are going through, and hoping there have been some positive moments for you as well. Hugs.

I’m so pleased to hear you sounding so positive and in control. It definitely sounds like he has taken the time out seriously and that it has made him realise what he’s got and what he could lose.
I really do hope that you can continue to build on that going forwards.
I think less time spent dwelling on what has happened and more time spent on the "here and now" is a really good idea, and I will try to focus on that myself.

I’m doing ok thank you. My sons are doing ok too. My youngest son is still angry with his Dad but they are talking so that’s something.
I feel confident that, in time, they can rebuild their relationship.

It’s my H’s Birthday in a few days so that will be a tricky day. He said he doesn’t want to celebrate it at all but I can’t just ignore it. I’m sure some people will say I should, but I can’t and won’t. But I won’t be buying him anything.

We’re still talking every day and still both in IC. He’s working on his Whys and I’ve been looking at what life would look like, both staying together but also going our separate ways. Both have their sacrifices and I keep changing my mind daily, so I know I’m not in the right mindset to make such a decision yet.

I’ll continue to take one day at a time until I feel I’m ready, as I need to know I’ll be making the right one when the time comes.

Sending you positive vibes and good wishes, please let me know how you’re getting on 🤗

Good to hear from you. The one day at a time approach is definitely the best one, took me awhile to see that but glad you are there. It’s so hard to not keep envisioning future possibilities while being stuck in the horror of the past, but it really does help to just focus on the here and now. As you said, now is not the time to make any long range decisions. As for his birthday, don’t listen to what anyone else tries to say you should or shouldn’t do—no one else is going through what you are and you need to make the best decisions for you. Valentines is in 2 weeks and although we never made a big deal about it anyway, I can’t help thinking about how he probably bought her flowers to the office and a really mushy card. If it was up to me, all holidays would just disappear for the next few years, including birthdays. Christmas and new years was bad enough, especially with the added surprise of his mom dying suddenly.
I write little journal notes in my phone whenever I am inspired, and today I wrote that I can either grieve for the past and all the time we lost and all the bad that happened, or I can appreciate how much better our relationship is now than it has been in years and I can have gratitude and enjoy the deep caring connection and intimacy that we have now. I chose the first option for the past 3 months but now I am "all in" with option 2. No matter what happens in the future, the present is what’s important. I was just so exhausted from being sad all the time I decided it was time to try something else. Your DDay was about a week after mine so maybe you’ll be ready to feel that way soon also. It’s around 11:30 PM your time as I write this so hopefully you are asleep. I have not been sleeping great ever since this happened—I wake up around 2 AM and have trouble getting my mind to shut down. But I’m hoping this new mindset will help. Anyway as Dory would say—just keep swimming!

You’re absolutely right - no one knows what this feels like, unless they’ve been through it themselves. But even then, we all experience it differently and have our own journey as no one’s situation is the same.

I have a lot of friends who tell me that my H’s actions are not the actions of the man they know. They only know a man who loves his wife, his sons and his family. A hard worker who has always put his family first. A man with a strong moral compass.
Not a man who has had another woman in his life for over 20 years. So no one else saw this in him either.

I then have a couple of friends who tell me my marriage has been a sham for all these years and that I would be foolish to even consider staying with him.

But where will these friends be if I get a divorce? Will they be with me every day, offering me continued support and guidance, supporting my sons, helping to pay my bills etc etc? Or will they lose interest after a few months and rarely pick up the phone? I have seen exactly this with other people so I know how it goes!
Not that I would stay with my H purely for those reasons, but you know where I’m coming from.

It’s our lives, our marriages and our future. So only we can make the decision as to which path to take.