SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hola hola all,

I've been struggling lately with some aspects of my healing and mental health. Have attempted to tackle them head on via going to boxing again, going to therapy, refraining from self - destructive or avoidant behaviors, journaling, meditating, attempting to practice as much self-care as I can, and chatting with friends on occasion. Sadly, I'm processing a break-up. It's been challenging.

Some feelings that I'm having come up for me now are feelings of being unwanted, and feelings of not mattering. Much of this is being triggered for me with this break-up, but the feelings themselves are rooted in child hood. I've asked google a few times how to heal feeling unwanted as a child and it keeps coming back with feeling unloved...which, maybe is similar? I dont know.

Anyway, having this online community helped me tons when I was recovering from infidelity and tackling so many of my things. I am not super sure what type of online community there would be for tackling mental health recover...so, a few questions for you all....

Do you know of any online communities that help one another with these types of things?
Do you have any suggestions for how to work through these emotions if you've overcome them yourself?
Do you have any book suggestions for these?

Thanks!

Just this morning, I had the realization that the next step to feeling like we never fit in or were somehow undesired as a little child has to be Acceptance, just like it is recovering from other griefs. Accepting somehow the sad reality of our origins. But then I asked myself, "How the heck do we go about doing this?" Because it is unacceptable to be asked to face that disparity. Yet it's true that many of us had that kind of environment in our childhoods!

Just saying, I'm feeling that way too lately, and hope some wiser SI'rs will chime in to help with this. Myself, I pray, and today I was given a glimpse of insight that my childhood feelings were/are a consequence of circumstances my parents were cast in.

Hope that might help?

Superesse,

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I’m sorry you’ve been struggling with similar emotions. My therapist discussed me maybe telling myself that I matter but it feels hollow when i do that on my own.

I do see where my childhood feelings and experiences were consequences of my parents upbringings for sure. That helped me sometimes in the past to process but for some reason it’s not helping me with this one. Like, despite knowing my parents did the best they could with the tools they had, and logically knowing that it wasn’t about me specifically, I feel like emotionally these feelings are still so present and defining.

I understand, you can only use mental gymnastics so long before you have to confront the stark realities. BTDT!

So you and I aren't quite at the full Acceptance stage yet. If I sit with that truth and reflect back, I see how my childhood needs spilled over into my relationship-seeking behaviors later on. I just so badly wanted to BELONG, in some fundamental way. Especially after my divorce at age 31. I could do the professional part of life if I gave it 100% effort, but my weekends and holidays sucked during my 30's, as I had no family to bond with; parents divorced, all sibs scattered and pre-occupied with their own miseries and addictions, or coping with a spouse with addictions! It was almost like if I succeeded in anything, they couldn't do any empathizing, yet if I shared how I was suffering, it was almost always 'tough shit, so were they.' As the saying goes: Hurt people hurt people. Nobody talks much about sibling support or lack thereof, but it is all part of the FOO.

But back to the intimate aspect, I see that being handicapped with these realities and feelings blinds one's discernment about a new person's qualities as a possible partner,, when all we can feel is the need to freaking CONNECT with someone!

I can sooo relate....

I don't have much to add, but I can relate. I've pretty much suppressed these feelings of not mattering and not fitting in. But of course they pop up from time to time. Mostly around my friendships. I was just thinking about this this morning... if I hear of 2 friends who got together without me, I'm always feeling hurt. Why wasn't I included? And I KNOW it's not even about me, so why do I react that way?? Of course I can't be invited or even need to be included in everything.. but it doesn't stop that feeling from popping up.

Wish I had answers that fixed this.

I try to focus on the positives that I do have and not pay attention to failed family relationships and friendships that have drifted apart. But it's impossible to avoid completely. I'd love to hear some suggestions on how to cope through these feelings to decrease hurt feelings.

Have attempted to tackle them head on via going to boxing again, going to therapy, refraining from self - destructive or avoidant behaviors, journaling, meditating, attempting to practice as much self-care as I can, and chatting with friends on occasion.

It looks like you're doing a lot. Does the 'doing' interfere with being and grieving?

I'm sorry you're processing a break-up. Would it help to tell yourself something like, 'We just weren't a good enough fit for each other'?

Yup, just saying what my therapist said to me that I thought worked well.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:20 PM, Thursday, August 22nd]