Trying to paint WW as 'confused' and 'it takes time' does a huge disservice to the OP. It (in general) seems to only help the poor BH rationalize months or even YEARS of staying with a cake-eating woman who is not loving him as a wife should her husband.
I am gonna say this as nicely as I can.
The op like many who come here still wants this marriage, at this moment in time.
What I am reminding him of is it’s way too early to trust her. That it takes time for change and one crying episode does not mean she has changed, which OP totally agrees with. I am telling him to rely more on his logic right now.
I am telling him his expectation should be that she has continuous forward movement. I am telling him what to look for.
I tend to think it takes a while for a bs to get clarity. Deciding to leave is also traumatic, and he has been through a lot here. The stages of grief set in and for the first 3-6 months a bs oscillates between shock and denial. It’s part of a normal human process. Anger will come after that typically. For some it’s sooner in the process some it’s later. But it’s all textbook grief. There has been a death in a sense.
If the ws works on it during this phase there may be enough progress in that time for a future run at reconciliation. But nobody is reconciling this early out. They are just trying to recover and get over the disorientation of their whole world turning inside out.
The ws during this time is also disoriented because they are looking at reality for the first time in a long time. Some will go on and do nothing about it, some will make it worse, and some will have moments of connection with their spouse like this one and it will plant a seed where they begin to see how utterly lost, cruel, and stupid they have been. Way too early to say which of these his wife will be. This could still go in any direction, no way to predict.
But, right now this is more about where Brennan is. He wants to see what can be done. My statement is about constant forward motion is to say "yes, give it time if that is what you want, but this is what you need to see from her before you think she is on any path.” I think Brennan understands this perfectly in his brain.
His heart doesn’t, his heart wishes for his old wife, and that is normal too. But I do like he is standing his ground on being responsible only for his happiness and knowing she has to get there too. Sometimes when the ws doesn’t change then the heart can agree with the mind and that will move them towards divorce.
Change does take time for both the bs and the ws. He is not ready to call an outcome and my words are there to help him deal with that in between time.
All you are doing is basically using phrases that make it clear you feel he is a chump to stay and I don’t see how that is helpful either. I have given up making you see that and have been side stepping you all the way.
But please know there is never a time I am not thinking about the bs’s best interest. I just happen to do it in the context of supporting them where they are rather than where I think they should be- and I think that could be a helpful thing to add to your thought process too. It’s too early for most bs to reach an outcome, and they are not silly for taking their time and watching and waiting for a little bit. I am not encouraging him to believe that one crying episode where she opened up is the sign he wanted it to be either. So I fail to see your point in acting as if I am doing something destructive.
EVERY SINGLE INSTANCE. I'm pushing for the OP to get a better way.
No every single instance you think divorcing immediately is the remedy. That just isn’t reality. I support separation, divorce, and reconciliation. But most people in this phase he is in are not doing any of those things, they are recovering and grieving. You want them to skip this step, but it’s not realistic. They have to work their own process and our job is to help them live in the unknown and the nuance of where they are. We are here to support them and share stories of how we crossed our hurdles in order to illuminate paths and ways that they may not consider on their own.
[This message edited by hikingout at 3:41 PM, Saturday, August 3rd]