It’s been more than a year since I visited this forum. A lot has happened since then. I post now in hopes that others might avoid what I am now living with.
So, here goes:
This post is an endorsement of finding and treating with a good individual counselor/therapist for your own well-being. It is much more a priority than couples counseling or anything else you might think you need after d-day.
Almost nine years ago I struggled to find a counselor who was helpful. And then, when I did, I had become ill and was unable to keep appointments (telemed was not yet an option.) And now hindsight reveals that I should have asked specifically for help AVOIDING LETTING THE STRESS AFFECT MY HEALTH.
I could tell that the stress over the 3-4 years that it took my wife to finally "get" it and to stop deflecting and being defensive all the time took a huge toll on my health. My doctors even told me that the stress was causing damage. I did all I knew to do to address the ongoing relentless stress of reconciling with a partner who was unremorseful, defensive, angry, and afraid of counseling. (This has now been resolved and she is now doing remarkably better since regular counseling. In fact, I envy her group sessions!) But the damage was already done. 😢
Please seek help with
• Panic attacks/or stress overload
• Breathing! After months of fight-or-flight stress and a lot of shallow rapid breathing, or conversely, involuntary breath-holding, I developed panic disorder related respiratory alkalosis. From overbreathing. It’s miserable.
• After over a year pinning all my physical symptoms on overbreathing, I discovered that the stress and unresolved symptoms had actually been early symptoms of myalgic encephalomyelitis — chronic fatigue syndrome. This now is a permanent, horribly progressive, and totally disabling condition.
• Now, in addition to guilt and shame over cheating on me, my wife is also painfully aware that she has caused me terrible and irreversible damage.
• I have other medical issues that combined with ME/CFS to bring me to a point of being nearly 100% housebound, frequently bedbound, too sensitive to be touched and comforted, and unable to be intimate. You may recall if you have been here a while — I’m the one who "just needed a hug." Now she is wanting to give me those hugs constantly, and I can’t physically tolerate them. So now I deal emotionally with that, too!
I wish I could share this with unrepentant or waffling cheaters. Infidelity is not something you can just "get over." And for betrayed who try to stay positive while inside they are falling apart — you don’t have to pretend to be ok. It is better for you to be honest with yourself than to suppress your feelings to the point where you succumb to an illness, worsening of one, or develop symptoms like I did that are hard to or are rarely diagnosed right away. All my doctors agreed my health was suffering because of the stress, but not one provided any genius about how to prevent that from ballooning into this.
ME/CFS is miserable. When you are moderate to severe ME, and in a flare (PEM, or post exertional malaise) following activity or stress, you literally feel like death warmed over. ME is a disorder that results when your body can no longer produce the energy you need to do tasks — thinking included. It’s effects can range from just requiring slowing down a bit and pacing, to becoming so disabled you can’t work, to being so fatigued you become bedbound and dependent on care givers for feeding and hygiene. Sensitivity to light, sounds, smells, even vibrations can become excruciating sources of pain. Vertigo, nausea, and overstimulation become every day obstacles to leading the life you thought was normal. You spend all your time metering activity, resting, and hoping for minor improvements, because life had been stripped of normalcy. For instance, I can no longer watch a movie or tv series that has lots of action, conflict, movement, emotion, or intense soundtracks. Season 2 of "The Bear" triggered a crash I’m still trying to recover from, even though I loved the show. I’ve always loved passion and intensity — but now they are dangerous for me.
I wish doctors and counselors were aware that one’s body functions can become overtaxed and even damaged or destroyed by the stress of infidelity. Most doctors, however, are ignorant or woefully unaware/uneducated about ME/CFS, and unfortunately most therapists use CBT which has been demonstrated to have adverse effects on ME patients, actually making them worse. ME is not FIBRO, or depression, or deconditioning: in fact, increasing activity which is almost always prescribed for depression is contraindicated in ME. It can cause rapid worsening, often unrecoverable with permanent damage.
Had I known all this, I would have known what to request of my providers. I would have asked each one to describe the worst that could come from my constant fight-or-flight stress and what kind of treatments, meds, or therapy might prevent my body from losing its ability to heal from it.
Oh … by the way … the marriage is better. My wife has uncovered, and is working hard, on issues that led to her poor choices and anger issues. She’s a great caregiver -- and I will need this for the rest of my life. I’m happy for her, as she has benefitted in more ways that imagined from her therapy.
But unfortunately, I’m permanently broken. And I’m stuck with how to deal with the fact that the biggest contribution to my illness was the infidelity and it’s horrible aftermath. And I have to watch my wife struggle to hide her shame that she caused this.
Please seek help so you can stay ‘normal healthy.’ I’ve forgotten totally what that feels like. 😢
