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Am I crazy to feel so betrayed? Am I crazy be open to reconciliation? Is my numbness concerning, is it a sign that I am done with him, or just that I’ve successfully detached? How is he supposed to earn my trust back when I thought we had successfully survived, only to be have my trust shattered again so long after? I am so lost right now.

Wow, this turned into a novel! Sorry! I was a lurker during recovery from 1st DDay, and am a first time poster. What follows it pretty jumbled, but it is what it is.

12 Years ago my WH stepped out on our marriage with a prostitute while on a business trip. He told me immediately, and that was the day I learned what it was to truly feel anguish. It took a long time, a lot of pain and a lot of tears, but we did "reconcile" (what I thought was reconciliation - now apparently a false one) and - until last week - I thought we had come out with a stronger, closer relationship.

There had been a handful of slip ups on his end over the years in terms of breaking my trust (usually lies by omission, once having dinner (and sending non-work related texts back and forth) with another woman while on a business and not telling me), but to my knowledge (and with a high level of confidence) he has not violated our marriage again.

Fast forward to last week, I found a screenshot of a pornographic video in our shared photo album. I confronted him immediately in his home office. He said he was bored at the (non-home) office waiting for a video to render and was just passing time, it was only a few times, blah blah blah. Don’t get me wrong, I have a vibrator, but I’m thinking about us, replaying our own intimate encounters. He admitted he was not thinking about me while watching those videos. He’s supposed to be working long hours to start a new company, but he hasn’t really being doing what he needed to to get it done (I’ve seen him do it well before so I have past experience). He had also been in incognito mode on google (I had suspected).

After screaming at him a bit, he went to his office. When we next spoke (the next evening - he didn’t come home until 11 the night of and only came home the day after because our daughter was hysterical wanting him to come home), I told him (calmly - it’s amazing how quickly I was able to get into detachment mode this time), that I felt this was an act of infidelity and a betrayal - he invited other women into our sacred marital relationship. I told him that I understood that there were circumstances (not an excuse) the first time (overwhelm, possible depression, travelling 5 days a week for 2 years) and that he had his own justifications, but that I felt he has shown now on more than one occasion that he is capable of crossing this line. I told him that I felt like my pain the first time wasn't enough to give him pause. He said he hadn’t understood the greater implications of watching pornographic videos and that now he truly gets it and won’t do it again. That he is ashamed he didn’t make the connection.

I’ve also told him he needs to show me he’s worthy of me, and is capable of giving me the only thing that matters to me in our relationship - a feeling of being safe and secure (this may seem unreasonable, but I’m the child of an alcoholic and have a good deal of CPTSD - it’s my cornerstone). I told him I consider our "first marriage" over, and that he needs to convince me to "remarry" him - and that our relationship & my trust is in his hands to fix this time as I’m focusing solely on my own healing and on the kids (10, 12, 13).

While D is not off the table, I am open to giving him a chance to R. Particularly as we just made an international move and I’m not ready to put my kids (or myself) through more upheaval unless it’s he doesn’t put in the work, but also because he really is the only one I’m willing to share my life with (if D happens, I’m getting 12 cats and a license plate that says 48 paws and will never remarry).

The first time around, I didn’t tell a soul (other than my best friend 10 years after the fact). I’m realising that last time, I was the only one that did the work to rebuild family and our relationship. He felt guilt and remorse, yes, and was more transparent, but we didn’t go to counselling (he said most counsellors don’t want to help reconcile just tell us to D). He didn’t really have any consequences (other than seeing me in pain, & having to turn off movies at times if I was triggered), and he got to go on with everyone thinking he was the perfect husband and that we had an enviably close relationship. This time around, I’ve told my close friends which has been so healing. He starts IC next week - I’ll be doing the same soon hopefully, and we’re looking for a marriage counsellor. He’s also working his butt off now and actually making progress and being accountable in terms of what he’s doing at the office and anytime we are not physically together.

I am pretty numb right now, and don’t know if I’m detached in a healthy way or in desperate need of help. The first few days were hard. I had suicidal thoughts on day 1 (truly no longer an issue now - I have a lot to live for and have embraced that he did this, not me), I cried a lot, and couldn’t look him in the eye. I also wasn’t able to eat (still can’t, though this is probably me feeling like I need to control something when everything else is so out of my control). But I’ve been pretty clear headed and detached these last few days (helped that I’ve talked to people and am now In The office full time).

My conversations with my friends (all psychologists lol) have helped tremendously, BUT it has also got me wondering about a lot of things. Again, I have realised how much rug sweeping I did the last time, and I also wonder if he really is the person I thought he was (brilliant, loving, high EQ, etc). I’m looking back and seeing a lot of gas lighting - he had said he feels like he’s walking on eggshells (well he is, there’s debris everywhere from my pain at what he did then and now. Put on some jungle boots and walk through it!), his unwillingness to try to better himself through mindfulness, reading etc (he didn’t have the mental space for it, his job was so demanding blah blah blah how could I ask that of him), and so much more. He now acknowledges this and I think he really wants to make it right this time and figure out (and fix) whatever it is inside him that has made him be capable of throwing everything away for something or someone that doesn’t really mean anything to him.

He is a wonderful father, and (for the most part) a really good husband. On most days I do count my blessings. I do hope that he does the work and that we reconcile (totally up to him, I’m not stepping in this time). I don’t hate him - I’m disappointed that someone so brilliant can be so stupid. I didn’t do anything wrong, this is his to fix. I’m an incredible human being and I deserve to trust my partner - the one person in this world that I have chosen to be apart of my life.

I guess, the long and short of it is that I’ve accepted that my pain, my soul, needs to be the first priority this time around - I’m the one that hurts the most and I can’t also take on someone else’s pain. I’m doing my 180. I feel like I’d like things to resolve, but don’t really care if they don’t (I’ll be fine either way, the fear is gone).

If you’ve gotten this far, thank you for listening (reading). Am I crazy to feel so betrayed? Am I crazy be open to reconciliation? Is my numbness concerning, is it a sign that I am done with him, or just that I’ve successfully detached? How is he supposed to earn my trust back when I thought we had successfully survived, only to be have my trust shattered again so long after? I am so lost right now.

[This message edited by BrainyUnicorn at 2:46 PM, Friday, May 10th]

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're here. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum as well as some that have bull's eye icons that are good reading. I suggest that you read the ones about recovering before deciding to R (reconcile). The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has the list of acronyms we use.

He should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is good reading, too. NJF discusses EAs (emotional affairs) as well as PAs (physical affairs).

There had been a handful of slip ups on his end over the years

These should also count as ddays. They aren't just slip ups or mistakes, but conscious decisions to lie, cheat and betray.

He should be in IC (individual counseling) to work on his whys and to become a safe partner. If you can, IC with a betrayal trauma specialist may be helpful, particularly if you're dealing with CPTSD. IC for each of you until you're feeling that you're healed enough to be in a place where you're ready to work on the relationship and then MC (marriage counseling).

You're not crazy and your feelings are valid. The numbness may be a trauma response rather than detachment, but either would be valid.

You're right about him being the one needing to do the work to convince you to stay. Watch his actions and don't listen to his words.

I’m so sorry for you. I had almost the exact same experience. Affair #1 ended and 15 years later its affair #2. Or maybe 4 or 5. I’ll never really know.

Your H appears to do the bare minimum. Same as mine. Except this last / second affair I stood up to him and made plans to D him.

I don’t know how or why we reconciled. He’s definitely changed for the better and is not the sane jerk he was during his affair.

Read up on the 180 if you have to. It can help you detach. He’s counting on you not actually doing much to hold him accountable. He figured he’ll be out of the doghouse soon lol.

BTW just b/c he says he’s going to stop his porn use, it may not actually happen. If you suspect his porn use is extensive you may have another issue.

It could explain why he’s not doing well at launching this new business. Could his porn use or extra curricular activities actually be impeding the time and effort?

You will get some responses, from members defending their use of porn. And some saying you're wrong.

Here's the thing. What is ok with their spouse,and the way they use porn,is their marriage. Not yours.

It's absolutely ok,and normal, to have a no porn boundary.

I was ok with it. Until my friend set up a var, to record things when she was out of town. She caught her husband looking at porn..only she also got to hear him talking,out loud, to the women on the screen. Telling them how good they look,how good they feel,etc. Lots of dirty talk,while he pleasured himself. It was disgusting. After that, I told my husband no more porn.

He did invite other women into your marriage. Looking at a naked woman,on a screen, and fantasizing you are with that woman, is a betrayal. IMO. Masturbation is fine. Use your imagination. But not an actual person.

So the "great dad" was watching porn at the non-home office? A fireable offense in most companies. And he’s not researching businesses like he is supposed to be doing. Doesn’t sound like he has the family’s best interest at heart here. And he’s doing this when he is "working long hours" - so he’s not getting the work done nor spending that time with his kids and wife. Not so great, really.

You say he was remorseful 12 years ago, but it sounds like he was just regretful.

What he has been doing is cheating - he is hiding it because he knows it is wrong. So as you see if R is possible, remember to watch his actions not listen to his words. And don’t offer R too early. You say he’s brilliant- then he can lead the R. Also, you may want to both do IC for a while before MC. As you note, this is HIS to fix. He has to fix him before you can repair the M.

So sorry this happened.

Please see a lawyer to understand what D would look like since you moved out of country, get STD tested, and focus on you and your kids.

@leafields Thank you so much for your insightful advice and taking the time to write. I really appreciate the recommendation to check out the Healing Library in general, and the Recovering before Reconciliation article in particular. I will also tell WH to read the books you mentioned.
You are absolutely right that those other breaches of trust are DDays. I cannot believe how much rug sweeping I’ve done.

I’ve been so lost trying to figure out the "order of operations" as it were. Your comment regarding the need for IC first is spot on. He’s already scheduled his IC (We shall see how that goes). I will table the search for a MC for now and refocus on my own IC - I’ve done so much inner work over my lifetime, but I’ve never before connected my past with my ability to permit this behavior from him. It’s going to be a long road, but I’m ready (and hopeful).

Thank you for your support. I am still in shock that I didn’t connect the dots about the slip ups over the years regarding his innate ability to justify bending and obscuring the truth and am so grateful to have input from others.

@Hellfire Thank you so much for taking the time to respond, and for sharing your thoughts. I also appreciate the heads up about potential responses from other members - I agree wholeheartedly that what others choose to do in their own relationships is their business and may be the right thing for them. It’s not my place to judge. Part of me wishes I was more general in my original post in case it provoked negative feelings, but I needed to get it out in full light. This is the first time I have ever "publicly" discussed part of my story so forgive me if it came across as insensitive - that was not my intention.

Thank you for validating my choice to set up a no porn boundary. I don’t think I ever explicitly set it up before - I’ve just shared my hurt and increased the sex when I’ve caught him in the past. This time I was explicit, very. Again, this is my choice in my situation, I have space for others to make their own choices. I also really appreciate you sharing the story of your friend’s experience - I hadn’t even thought of that way (wasn’t a pleasant video running through my head after I did, but it was needed).

Thank you again so very much for your insight. I’m starting to see a glimmer of light and have hope - not in the potential for R (not focusing on that and am ambivalent) - but that it is actually possible for me to heal and be okay whatever happens.

@Bearlybreathing Wow! Thank you for the (needed) kick in the pants. You are absolutely right and I appreciate your putting things in a different light.

He’s in his own office (not a company’s thank god) - but you are right that it makes his claims of working long hours with those types of "breaks" is absolutely not for the benefit of the family.
You are also spot on that he didn’t do the work last time, just felt regret and rode out the storm until I forgave him. Ironically, it was about a year and change ago that I shared with him that I had finally *truly* let go of the physical betrayal.
I will absolutely be watching actions, not words, from here on out and letting him take 100% ownership of R. Thank you for the recommendation to focus on IC first - that was much needed advice and is spot on.

I appreciate the recommendation to seek legal counsel - it is a particularly tricky situation but is navigable. Thankfully I have some support here so he doesn’t get to hold that over my head to make me stay. Regarding STD testing, I am so grateful for you mentioning that - without this forum, I wouldn’t have even thought to have done that after the first DDay.

Thank you again for taking the time to respond. This is a great community.

@ The1stWife Thank you for sharing your story and for taking the time to respond. I really, truly appreciate it.

It gives me hope that it’s possible for someone to do the work and be a safe & secure partner, and that a BS doesn’t have to constantly wonder when the other shoe is going to drop when there has been such a long time be DDays (though as you say, may not have been so long).

I will definitely be reading up on the 180 today. You are spot on that he may be (consciously or unconsciously) waiting for me to do the work and forgive and that I have shown him with my past actions that he can eventually get out of the doghouse with patience & words. Like you, I did stand up to him this time and will be focusing on me (and kids) and not the relationship - that’s on him.

Thank you for the kick in the pants regarding his porn use. I am prepared for it being worse than I am aware of. As another poster mentioned, we are allowed to have our own boundaries in that realm. For me, going forward, that is a dealbreaker - it’s his choice whether that’s something he can live with.

You are right that it’s probably interfering with his start up - and probably a symptom of a deeper personal issue (which is his to figure out). It’s amazing how much he’s accomplished in a week after being confronted - he’s done more in 1 week than in 6 months. I’ve been up front with him that his succeeding is absolutely not an "action" that is going to fix things - just a sign that he’s doing what he said he was going to do), and drove home the fact that I am fully capable of supporting myself and the kids on my salary and working out logistics of being in a foreign country solo if it comes to that - we don’t need him. I don’t think he had considered that.

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to share your story and advice - I’m truly grateful.

I'm sorry you find yourself here again.

If I were you I'd check credit card and bank statements. Interactive porn cost money (although there are sites he can watch for free but not interact).

I don't want things to be worse for you but if there is more to the story, I think you want to know it.

@TheEnd thank you for taking the time to reply and for the advice. I really appreciate it.

You are quite correct that I do want to know full details and that it’s a shame that I’m here again. I have a long road ahead but plan to do it right this time - on my end.