SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't want to leave. I want to fight. But I see how unforgivable the things I've done are. I'm not like other people here. I've sought this out intentionally, made him an enemy and punished him for things in my head. When I got caught last time I doubled down and made him the enemy again to keep doing it. It was an exit affair at that. I've fucked up at so many points in this process. There is no way for him to ever trust that my efforts are real. I need help figuring out the kind of whys he needs because of how extreme my situation is and unlike anything else online.

I want it because I see what it could have been if I had been kind and vulnerable and genuine and emotionally mature. If I had let myself see who he actually is. I want it because I see what it can be and I genuinely feel like I am learning and growing. But what if my finally being compassionate and empathetic is letting me see how broken I've made him, how unforgivable my actions are, how he could never really trust me again, how he deserves better. I still feel like it's being avoidant because he wants the person that I know I can be and because I want him, but knowing he can never really see me as that person as much as I'm trying, how do I know when that compassion means I need to let him go?

[This message edited by PleaseBeFixable at 2:43 PM, Monday, April 8th]

But what if my finally being compassionate and empathetic is letting me see how broken I've made him

Compassionate for whom? Him or you?

I still feel like it's being avoidant because he wants the person that I know I can be and because I want him, but knowing he can never really see me as that person as much as I'm trying, how do I know when that compassion means I need to let him go?

Throwing in the towel because you don't like seeing yourself mirrored in his eyes is what's truly avoidant. You don't know that "he can never really see you..." That's an assumption. If you want R and he hasn't thrown in the towel yet, keep going and keep doing your best. Let him decide if/when he's had enough.

Hang in there. If R is what you want, just keep swimming.

You only think your aren’t like the rest of us because some of us have been at this a lot longer.

We all have done unforgivable things.terrible things here. We just don’t have a lot of new waywards at the moment. I sounded a lot like you when I got here seven years ago.

Unless you are holding him hostage he is making decisions too. I would t put guilt trips in him or anything loose that if he is trying to leave.But outside of that, he doesn’t want to let you go yet either.

I think you are too invested in the outcome of the relationship. Keep working on you. And as long as you do that you will be able to manage what comes. It’s so hard when it’s new. You are wrecked, your ba is wrecked, there is just so much pain all around. You have arrived at a place I think of as rock bottom, and that’s when things can only go up. You are being forced to look at yourself and change.

Self care is important. I know you think that’s selfish but it’s a little like being in an airplane and putting your oxygen on so you are able to help others. Adopt a gratitude practice. Each morning think about three things you are genuinely grewtaduk forZ reqlly try and feel the deep appreciation for them. And when things get hard look for that growing list of good things you have going on in your life. I know that sounds really beside the point of where you are. But it’s a brain rewiring technique.

It’s part of getting stronger, and changing the mindset that brought you here. I also would try and be mindful of your thinking. Don’t allow yourself to over think and chase things down rabbit holes. Try and be in the present moment as much as possible. Listen to your self talk and correct your bad thoughts by reaching for better ones:

I am learning.
I am doing my best today.
My best days are in front of me.
I am going to lead with live moving forward
I am committed to making healthy choices.

Those are just a few examples. But you need to get yourself to more positive thought patterns so that you can work on your coping skills. It takes 2-5 years for couples to recover from infidelity. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

You have to get to the point that you aren’t so steeped in shame that you can help both of you. Right now that Shane is an anchor that is dragging you down until you can’t breathe. That instability is only feeding your husbands newfound lack of security. It won’t go away over night. What are you working on in IC?

Throwing in the towel because you don't like seeing yourself mirrored in his eyes is what's truly avoidant.

this makes sense.

Unless you are holding him hostage he is making decisions too. I would t put guilt trips in him or anything loose that if he is trying to leave.But outside of that, he doesn’t want to let you go yet either.

But I know he isn't leaving because of codependency and fear. I am trying to get him resources for these, but does knowing that change how I should be approaching it?

What are you working on in IC?

Right now IC is paused so I can be in my DBT skills group. We've worked on distress tolerance and emotional regulation, which have been super helpful. Distress tolerance especially has helped me engage about it all in healthier ways. The radical acceptance skill has been helpful too.

[This message edited by PleaseBeFixable at 8:01 PM, Monday, April 15th]

But I know he isn't leaving because of codependency and fear. I am trying to get him resources for these, but does knowing that change how I should be approaching it?

No. It shouldn’t.

Look, everyone stays at first for reasons like this. It’s going to take a lot of time for him to cycle through the different stages to come to a place he is stable enough to make a decision. These are very early days, and as you both heal the reasons for staying or leaving will evolve. I would not push him in either direction, that is his part of working through this.

I can tell you this, I know you are gobsmacked by what you did. This is evident to me since you got here. Over time, you are going to heal and be a better smarter person for doing this work you are doing. He may see that and decide that he is staying for the right reasons. It is just going to take some time.

Remorse and hating what you did as badly as you do will lead you in the right direction. Keep focusing on your work, and providing the right environment for him. But he heals him, you heal you. And if you want this relationship then don’t seem unsure of that to him. He can and will make decisions from a different perspective as time goes along.

To me, the only time it is compassionate to leave is if you are not committed to staying. My BH is and always has been the most important person in the world. I was certain that he was going to leave, but I was also certain that I was going to do everything possible to make sure he did not leave. We are both disgusted with what I did to him/us/our family. There were so many times when it was hard to face myself and even more difficult to face him. I did this. He remained perfect.

I broke my husband completely. Mentally and physically. I am selfish, narcissistic and cowardly by nature. These are three traits that I am working to improve in myself. My BH means too much to quit and although I've betrayed him immensely, I am committed to staying and working on our love. If he demanded I leave, I would be devastated but that would be his choice. I would do everything possible to return.