SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my rant. I don't know what I'm looking for. I don't know what I need. WH and I barely can have a conversation about myself or my feelings long enough for me to work on anything. WH gives me so little feedback that nothing seems to ever get resolved or even completely discussed. His A was online. She was an online pornographer. The currency of their A was pictures/videos/sexting.

One of my big struggles is how much more WH displayed for the AP. My god, he could/would wax poetic about anything endlessly. IF she sent a picture, he could tell her exactly why and what he loved about that picture and offer ideas on what would look "amazing" for another one. Those pictures were all saved in a special folder he kept, named for her. He could talk on and on about how she made him feel and how much he loved her. All of it, to me, is he could [insert verb] forever with her and I feel like I never saw any of that toward me.

It's effort. God, he put so much effort into his A -- into keeping his AP -- into building her ego (so many times at my expense). I want reciprocity and it's impossible.

He was a cake eater. He can't make cake with me.

I want to feel the same level of effort, but I also know that it's impossible.

This eats at me:

He told her how amazing she was for taking/sharing her pictures and treasured each one while he also told her that he had thousands of pictures of me that he never bothered to look at.

It just feels like everything for her was so much more and I wish it had been for me.

I know life isn't fair, but it shouldn't be this. That's for damn sure.

I'm curious: Was she a professional? Was he paying her?

He razed our relationship to build what he had with her. He mined it and took all the good from it to build his fantasy with her.

He refused to look at what he had with her after D-Day. He hid behind his shame and left me alone with it all to sort as I could. He would throw information in that only confused or misled me for many years, yet he still refused to look at what he had with her. He refused to raze what he built with her.

No, she was very amateur.

It was a forum, a set up similar to here. People would make their own threads and use it to share pictures and receive comments... and of course there were private messages...

He told her how amazing she was for taking/sharing her pictures and treasured each one while he also told her that he had thousands of pictures of me that he never bothered to look at.

This stands out to me - and please realize he's full of crap. He's telling her just what he needed to so he could keep her on a string.

There was nothing special about those photos - let's face it - suggestive photos &/or nudes are super easy to come by. What turned him on was the fact that it was elicit and secret and forbidden. She wasn't special - just available and ate up all the bullshit he was feeding her - and did more to get more. Desperate. Pathetic.

Cheaters lie.

It just feels like everything for her was so much more and I wish it had been for me

He already had you. She was a dirty little secret he had to feed ego kibbles to keep her on a string.

Yuck. And you know if she was posting there she probably had multiple relationships going at once. People like that thrive on attention.

I think the hard part of the compliments is knowing he is capable of coming up with them. However, on the flip side, it’s much easier to come up with lies than sincerity.

The struggle is absolutely heartbreaking, I am sorry you are experiencing it. But chaos is absolutely right, this was about stroking his own ego. I hope he can see that all that glitters there is fools gold, and he was the fool because he had the real gold right there at home.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:01 PM, Monday, March 11th]

I know life isn't fair, but it shouldn't be this. That's for damn sure.

100%. May I ask what keeps you in the relationship? If it's practical reasons, I get it. If not, what is it? (ETA: The DDays listed in your footer is what has me asking.)

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 6:45 PM, Monday, March 11th]

May I ask what keeps you in the relationship?

What can I say, I do love him. He has been good to me, and does show me love, I know he feels badly about the pain he's inflected upon me. I feel that he wants to change, I feel that he wants to be a better person. Will he give up or follow through, I don't know. I love the life we've built. We've been together since right after I turned 20. We built our life together. Our home, our animals, I can't imagine walking away from it all. We're finally to a place where we have paid off bills and can begin to do things together. We're finally to a place where we can travel. We're finally to a place where so much of our (my) sacrifice over the past 30 years is finally starting to pay off. The idea of walking away from all of that over his stupid internet addiction and his stupid porn issues and masturbation issues is mind-boggling to me.

His FOO is crap. He lies to save his ass. It's his way of coping.

D-Day in 2014 was a wreck. He lied and minimized and only admitted to what I could find. Unfortunately for us both, his A was all online and I work in IT. I found So. Many. Things. It took me a couple of years to finish my diagnostics and recovery, so that's 2014 - 2016.

In the fall of 2020, I figured out he was looking at women on reddit.

In November of 2023, I found the truth about him on reddit (looking at lots of women and leaving fucking comments on their pictures). On his own, he admitted to using pornhub.

Since November 2023, he has decided to get back into counseling. He's still pursuing that now but has not found a counselor yet. He's declaring that he wants to be truthful, he doesn't want to lie anymore. He admits that he has a problem with his mother. He has actually started working on his defensiveness and listening to me.

Some may not agree, but I think there's validity in staying because you just don't want to blow up the rest of your life. You can set internal boundaries and decide what level of intimacy you want with him while you enjoy the travel and the lifestyle that you've earned.

My BFF is doing this with her H, not because of infidelity, but because they are so terribly incompatible. She needs his health insurance and they have adult children that they enjoy visiting, so she sucks it up and stays at their lake house often to get away from him. She's missing out on fun and passion with a partner, though, and it hurts her heart.

This stands out to me - and please realize he's full of crap. He's telling her just what he needed to so he could keep her on a string.
There was nothing special about those photos

Thanks. I wish I could feel this way, but this:

He told her how amazing she was for taking/sharing her pictures and treasured each one while he also told her that he had thousands of pictures of me that he never bothered to look at.

He confirmed this with me. He wasn't lying. Her pictures got revisited. He took and saved pics of me, but never went and looked at any of them.

SacredSoul33, I want the fun and passion. That's my problem, I'm stuck. I want the life I had. My cheese got stolen, but I don't want other cheese. That was the goods. lol

You are asking good questions and you are bothered by valid concerns.

Watch what he's actually doing to work on himself and to heal the relationship.

As you well know from the lies, talk is cheap, promises are easy to make, intent is easy to verbalize. Is he following through in a way that makes you feel that the progress to change is consistent? Or is it sporadic and/or dependent on you nudging it along?

I totally get that you'd like to reap the rewards of the work you've put in to your life, your relationship, your animals, your house.

However, in five years you'll be 5 years older. In 10 years, you'll be 10 years older. How will you feel about your work and investment into those years if he isn't truly invested in changing or if he isn't capable of change?

Just something to consider.

What helped me was realizing that my fWH's love-bombing behavior was really about him and not about me. It's kind of like a mirror, all that flattery, effort and charm so that the AP would mirror those things back. It was about him about wanting attention, not about who he was getting it from. And yeah, believe me, it looked so genuine, like he was head over heels. But the reality was that he was doing that for three different APs, and that he dropped them all like a hot rock in order not to lose his home deal. He did have some backsliding while he was breaking through his dopamine/adrenaline addiction, but today, I'm not sure he could give you a first and last name, let alone the details of things he said.

This is not everyone's experience, but I do think that even in longer term affairs or affairs where there's more emotional commitment, there's a "garbage-in/garbage-out" dynamic in play. Affairs are selfish behavior, and like most human behaviors, there's a payout. My fWH's payout was achieving validation, flattery, and extra sex. That's what he was there for.

Thank you all. One of the hardest things is looking at this and accounting for our own bias and filter.

His lack of self-work and inability to share his views, feelings, or even understanding of what I need to talk about has crippled our chances at R.

Other than emotionally, he's there for me. 2 years ago I broke my back. For 8 weeks I couldn't leave the house or do much for myself at all, let alone my share of our household stuff. He was more than there for me and us. He's responsible to the family, and he has worked on his selfishness.

But it's been 10 years.

Bleck.

Where we are now is very broken. Since November, no intimacy.

Have you looked up sunk cost fallacy?

FWIW, I filed for D the week before our 34th anniversary. D has been the best choice for me.

I can watch what I want on TV. Can make what I want for dinner, go where I want and don't have to walk on egg shells.

His lack of self-work and inability to share his views, feelings, or even understanding of what I need to talk about has crippled our chances at R.

Dr. Phil has a saying, "We TEACH people how to treat us". I took that to heart.

I used to teach pre-school children at a daycare. It was a very rewarding time...but they can really push those boundaries! The key is to show them that you will keep disciplining them one more time than they will act up. Just one...more...time.

I also learned a very valuable lesson. What everyone on here says is TRUE...we CAN'T change anyone else...we can only change ourselves. BUT...we do not have to change ourselves to accept from anyone else what is unacceptable to our CORE. If THEY want to remain in OUR lives...they will HAVE to CHANGE what is unacceptable to US.

I used these two things to teach my H how to treat me. My H was a selfish person when we met. I knew this and I accepted it throughout our M...UNTIL he cheated on me. On Dday I issued ULTIMATUMS. They weren't many...but they were non-negotiable. I may have been victimized by my H and his adultery co-conspirator during their A...but I REFUSED to stay the victim!!

Because my H had never had to be SELFLESS...I started with baby steps. For 2 nights out of the month...he had to plan something just for ME. I gave him a little slack at first...he could start with eating out at one of my favorite restaurants . But I told him that he would need to PLAN a night...from getting reservations...to valet parking...etc. for places that I would WANT...not HIM...not US...just ME.

What I would suggest is small steps at first. What would self-work look like to you? Notthevictem often talks about journaling. Would him doing a journal entry once a week to start off...and then y'all talking about it work? There is a daily email that we get from the awesome marriage website called "one thing" that gives you a suggestion for that day to talk about one thing you can focus on that day to grow your marriage . That has led to us having a few discussions about some things that we had not necessarily thought about that day! All you have to do is sign up to get a daily email...and voila...you BOTH could talk DAILY about one thing to help your marriage grow! Would this be something you would be interested in doing together?

You say YOU need to talk about stuff. How does that usually go? Does it usually end up in the same scenario? Maybe it could go in a different direction for a change? For instance...when you wrote about the pictures...she shared pictures and he raved about them. BUT...he also had thousands of pictures of you. Thousands. That stood out to me. You WERE there . We always miss what we don't have. I PORE over the pictures of my sister now...even though I hadn't looked at them in YEARS. I didn't need them THEN because I had my sister WITH ME. They are all that I have of her now though...and I CHERISH them. I can guarantee you that your WH would do the same thing with those thousands of pictures of YOU if you weren't right there with him as well. GUARANTEE. Ask him. Will you believe his answer though?

What didn't work with us...we quit doing. What did work...we expanded upon . Don't give up! As long as you are moving forward you will get to your destination! Three steps forward and two steps back is still PROGRESS !!!