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Newest Member: FabMom

Just Found Out :
Another D Day

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Elara (original poster new member #84359) posted at 10:29 AM on Wednesday, February 28th, 2024

After telling my husband that all I wanted was the truth, he thought he could control the damage by editing the story, AGAIN. I decided to check his Appstore purchases, and found one for 'day' hotel bookings, which had been downloaded a year before he told me the A had started. Pressed into a corner AGAIN, he told me that it started a full year before when I thought it did, and that year included clandestine meetings, in hotel rooms, near and far.

I felt as though our R was moving along in a positive direction, and he swears that since we began our R a few weeks ago he has not been in contact with her, but the scab is ripped off once again, and I'm bleeding profusely. I am so sad.

I can't believe anything he says, but lets say it's true that he wants to R and hasn't been in touch. The deletion of a year of an affair is a big deal, correct? Or is there something to build on here? Can a person just end a 2 year A like that? He says he only thinks about her when I bring her up. I call Bullshit.

Feeling very shaky.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Jan. 12th, 2024   ·   location: NY
id 8826381
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 11:17 AM on Wednesday, February 28th, 2024

I’m so sorry, Elara. Trickle truth sets the R train right back to the station.

Has he done a polygraph? It’s time for him to shit or get off the pot. Torturing you like this isn’t acceptable.

Can a person end a 2 year A just like that? Yes, but only if they are getting therapy to get to the root of their brokenness and are 100 percent honest with you and themselves.

Elara, take care of you right now. Implement the 180. If he wants R, he needs to schedule a polygraph and IC with zero help from you.

Hugs.

Me-58 FWH-60 Married 40 years 9/2/2023 grown daughters-40&36.14yo GS,11yo GD & 9yo GD (DD40); 12yo GD & 7yo GD(DD36). D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8904   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8826382
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 11:26 AM on Wednesday, February 28th, 2024

Trickle truth is the worst. Very sorry you are going through this. Has he written a no contact letter that you approve and had it sent and signed for? Had he written a detailed timeline of his A? Is he openly sharing his phone and devices? Actions, not words. A polygraph is not a bad idea either. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3945   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8826383
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 12:04 PM on Wednesday, February 28th, 2024

The deletion of a year of an affair is a big deal, correct?

It’s a really big deal, absolutely. I know you feel lost, but in things like this trust yourself. If your husband’s lies feel like a big deal to you, then they are a big deal.

Or is there something to build on here?

IMO, one example of TT is not the complete end of R, otherwise there would be far far less successful recoveries from infidelity. I’m not saying you have to accept it, it is horrible behavior and you should demand it stop right now. But if you still desire R, no one here is going to judge you for pressing on. People have recovered from worse.

I’m so sorry for what you are going thru, do take care of yourself.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 1:53 PM, Wednesday, February 28th]

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2432   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8826384
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 Elara (original poster new member #84359) posted at 12:38 PM on Wednesday, February 28th, 2024

What does taking care of oneself and being positive for one’s children look like? I want to curl up in a ball, but can’t cause of my kids. I need them to see that I’m okay. Last night after the most recent blowup we talked to the kids. They were upset. 2 aren’t able to go to school today. Help.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Jan. 12th, 2024   ·   location: NY
id 8826389
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 12:55 PM on Wednesday, February 28th, 2024

I’d suggest professional help.

A counselor just for you - not marriage counseling b/c at this point you don’t need someone to fix your marriage.

You need someone to support you and help you navigate the road you are on. Figure out where do you go from here with the anger and rage and frustration and challenges you are facing plus dealing with from someone who thinks lying is the way to go.

Yes you need to be there for your kids. They are hurt and upset but it’s up to you to be a leader for them. Professional counseling helped me with all of it.

Read up on the 180 as well. The emotional distance will help you at this time.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 11 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 14227   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8826390
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 Elara (original poster new member #84359) posted at 1:31 PM on Wednesday, February 28th, 2024

I’m lucky to have a counselor - he has been there for me for years.

Just told my husband I want him to get a polygraph. He balked, then spilled more details. Another D day. He’s afraid. Can lie to me but not to a polygraph.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Jan. 12th, 2024   ·   location: NY
id 8826393
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 1:52 PM on Wednesday, February 28th, 2024

What does taking care of oneself and being positive for one’s children look like? I want to curl up in a ball, but can’t cause of my kids. I need them to see that I’m okay. Last night after the most recent blowup we talked to the kids. They were upset. 2 aren’t able to go to school today. Help.

Just my thoughts, for what they are worth:
1) do not invest your precious energy into the relationship right now, even if you want it to survive. You and your children are all deeply personally hurting and that needs ALL your attention. People are more important than relationships. You, Elara, are more important than your marriage. While the marriage is indeed in crisis (due to betrayal and treachery not of your making), you and your children take precedent. Ignore him for now, do the 180. He is not anywhere close to the front of the line for your resources. You and your kids, that is where all your energy goes. This could be an opportunity for him to show he will support you and the kids, or maybe he will show that he is still utterly selfish.
2) this betrayal trauma is enormous, don’t underestimate it. It’s going to take some time to stabilize. Taking care of yourself means doing things that are good for you that you may have put off in "normal" life. IC is a must if possible. Exercise, it’s so so good for your body and your inner state. Avoid drugs and alcohol, no matter how much you want to numb this pain. Take baths, walk, read, watch your favorite movie every night for a week. Do things that invest in Elara, that build up Elara, that remind your brain that Elara is a lovable wonderful badass woman.
3) do similarly with your kids. First, put on your own mask and make sure you have something to offer. But then out of that, have some good times with your kids. Show them you are functional, and it’s ok for them to know you are sad, you don’t have to hide that (as if you could). Ask them how they are feeling and that anything they say will be safe with you. Get them IC if that is possible.

I remember your pain well. It doesn’t stay forever, it will pass. But it takes some time. You can and will weather the storm, for you and your kids. Just take it one day at a time and take care of yourself.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2432   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8826396
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 1:54 PM on Wednesday, February 28th, 2024

Hi, Elara, so sorry that your husband is putting you through more hell.

My WH was the master trickle truther but not to the extent about the length of the A, although I had to do some digging through his emails and expense accounts to figure it all out.

Did you request a timeline of the affair? Is your husband reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair?

The only thing that kept me from staying in bed all day were my kids. I did what I had to do even though many times I was in a fog but all the basics were taken care of. There were days when I was physically present but mentally in outer space.

Right now just do your best. Prioritize you and your children. Put some of the housework on the back burner if you are overwhelmed.

A poly might be a good idea, and if you go that route, research polygraphers to get one of the best and choose your questions wisely.

Find a counselor for your children in addition to your own counseling.

[This message edited by annb at 1:55 PM, Wednesday, February 28th]

posts: 12202   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8826397
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whatisloveanyway ( member #66450) posted at 2:10 PM on Wednesday, February 28th, 2024

I’m so sorry for all you are going through. My WH did the same as yours, minimize and lie at every step of the grueling discovery process. It took me years to get to the truth and I would never know if I hadn’t found digital clues like you did. The number of lies uncovered is still staggering to me. And for me, getting over the shock that a few months was actually a few years was horrifying, but the slow torture of that becoming six, then eight, then nine years of cheating that I could confirm has me still reeling. He could never tell me the truth, and his story now is I don’t remember, although I got him to admit that he doesn’t want to remember and it makes him feel icky to think about it. He said me making him talk about the A made static in his brain. It took me a long time to see that he was traumatized in his own way, and completely incapable of handling not just the truth, but the fallout and my falling apart that ensued. He actually said he didn’t think I’d be this upset.

I kept thinking if he loved me and wanted to save our M he would tell the truth at some point. Only through my IC have I come to understand that he was never going to get there, because he can’t face admitting to me or himself all that he has done. It is too uncomfortable, or shameful or whatever for him to face. I rationalize it as the same poor coping skills that led him to his A are the same skills that keep him botching recovery and reconciliation.

If you ask him, he was trying to spare me further pain, when I made it completely clear that the most painful thing he could do to me was continue to lie to my face. Nothing got through to him, and each time I caught him in another minimization or lie, or each time I found another awful breadcrumb or got a pile of horrible truths from the MOW, he unraveled a little bit more and he became pretty tangled up in his mental baggage. He became angry, frustrated and shut down and I’m not sure he ever will own what he did, or tell me all I want to know. At this point, it really couldn’t get much worse, truth wise, and I’ve told him that any questions I have remaining I just assume the worst case, or what I call Of course he/they did. It’s easier than wondering for the rest of my life, when I am now certain that baseline honesty is not one of his character traits. He will protect himself first, and he is so unable to handle his emotions and the shame that he spirals or shuts down every time, even years downstream. It’s the worst, and I’m so sorry to know how you feel now. He may not ever understand this, but each new lie, each new manipulation or deception is a complete reset, and each feels more devastating than the one before. If they could just be smart enough to rip off the bandaid, we could recover from the shock and heal more quickly.

You are very early in the discovery process. The mistake I made was thinking over and over and over that I had reached the truth, a reboot point or an understanding with my WH over the future of our M and the boundaries I was willing to tolerate. I thought I was looking at the man I knew for years, intelligent, measured, confident and could not process that I was dealing with a trapped animal, desperate and confused and sitting in a mess he had no idea how to get out of besides lying and pretending this was not happening. He wanted from day one to jump to moving forward, all that unpleasant mess just water under the bridge. He was not and is not capable of working through the healing and growth process, and I’m still learning who he really is. I’m learning a lot about who I am too. You will question everything about your life and it is unnerving, so work hard to stay grounded. Kids can help with that, and putting your head down in the moment, one foot in front of the other, getting the mom job done will help you to focus on what is important and what is true. I think I might have gone crazy without the touchstones of unconditional love I could trust and believe in from my kids and my dog during the discovery years.

I don’t know what kind of man you are married to or what his level of commitment or desperation might be. I just want to warn you to not assume you are dealing with a person you think you know. My WH did not know himself. He has told me repeatedly that I gave him too much credit for having a master plan or even thinking his way through this mess, he was in total damage control mode. That left me with manipulation and dishonesty and us with permanent, long term damage. He continued to tell himself that since the A was over the truth of all those details was irrelevant and he guarded them with all he had.
FYI, I ended their A unknowingly by scaring the MOW away by responding to an email she sent him, left in his deleted folder. I didn’t realize the A was underground, and was still dealing with the completely wrong version of the truth and never realized he was dealing with abrupt loss of contact with her after almost a decade. He never looked back, and whatever he felt for her or whatever friendship they felt they shared was meaningless in the face of his cover being blown. I asked how he could just never reach out to her again, and he said she knew the deal and the risks. No one was supposed to know or get hurt. Besides, when I am done with someone I am done with them. This may be a lie too, I’ll never know. I do know that he would be mortified to ever speak to her again after all I have said to her and told her all the awful things he said about her. So I guess it’s possible to just stop, but I wish I knew I was witnessing the end of it at the time, not trying to piece it together over a year later.

Like yours, I never got a confession unless I cornered him with undeniable evidence that he was lying. Had I not believed the first piles of lies, I might have gone into deep dive investigations a lot sooner and found out the truth in months instead of years. I want to caution you to proceed carefully, and don’t get caught up in what you think or need to be real, but try to be as objective as you can while you get to the bottom of your WH’s reality, so you can figure out your own. Doing all this while in shock, traumatized and overwhelmed while trying to parent is so very hard and I hope you have a support system in place to help you through. We never separated, I went to IC, then we went to MC, and then I found out how deep his deceptions went and we stopped MC. I continued IC for a while, then suffered for a long time and am now back in IC to find a way to live in peace moving forward, wherever that path leads.

I’m sorry for the long saga, but I want to offer you my version so you understand some of the possibilities or difficulties you may be facing moving forward. This is a difficult journey and you need to focus most on taking care of yourself so you can be there for your kids and then you will have the bandwidth to figure out what to do with your marriage. Best to you moving forward and keep coming back here for the healing library, the support and the comfort of knowing you are not alone in this. There are wonderful, caring smart people here.

BW: 64 WH: 64 Both 57 on Dday, M 37 years, 2 grown kids. WH had 9 year A with MOW, 7 month false R, multiple DDays from 2017 - 2022, with five years of trickle truth and lies. I got rid of her with one email. Reconciling, or trying to.

posts: 576   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018   ·   location: Southeastern USA
id 8826399
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 2:43 PM on Wednesday, February 28th, 2024

Schedule the polygraph. Many cheaters will drop a huge truth bomb, when told there will be a polygraph, hoping their bs will believe they have the entire truth and they won't have to take the test. Always, always follow through with the test.

None of his "work" matters, as long as he continues to lie. False R is horrible,and very difficult to recover from.

180. Stop putting effort into him or the marriage. Take care of yourself, and the kids. Watch his actions. What is he doing to heal the damage? What work is he doing to become a safe partner?

Tell the kids the truth, in an age appropriate manner. Kids often blame themselves when parents argue. They deserve the truth.

Stop sex. Stop doing his laundry. Stop cooking for him. Stop cleaning up after him. Your job is to take care of you and the kids. Schedule std tests. Schedule the polygraph. Detach and protect yourself.

And..yes..an entire year is a huge deal. The bigger problem is he clearly is going to lie to you,until he knows he can't. And the incredible disrespect.

But you are what you did
And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive
The smallest man who ever lived..

posts: 6812   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8826403
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 2:54 PM on Wednesday, February 28th, 2024

My WH told me it started in May. That was true…one year prior. So he felt he wasn’t lying… but he knew he was. He also used the "trying to not hurt you" line. TT is hurtful and painful and far too common right after DDAY.

I’m so sorry. As the others stated, it’s time to focus 100% on you and your kids.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6215   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8826407
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 Elara (original poster new member #84359) posted at 4:03 PM on Wednesday, February 28th, 2024

Thank you for your wisdom - each of you.

Any guidance about the kinds of questions that I should have ask for the polygraph? Lies about the past are awful, but I really need to know about the present, and whether he is in contact with her. He says no but everything has been a lie.

Ideas?

posts: 29   ·   registered: Jan. 12th, 2024   ·   location: NY
id 8826417
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:43 PM on Wednesday, February 28th, 2024

Base the questions of his timeline.

"Is there anything you purposely withheld in the timeline,that your wife doesn't know?"

That answer alone will tell you he's not R material.

You can also ask if he has broken NC, or if there have been other affairs.

But you are what you did
And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive
The smallest man who ever lived..

posts: 6812   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8826424
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 8:26 PM on Wednesday, February 28th, 2024

Self-care can be things like having pizza delivered for dinner when you can't face cooking, or having more frozen lasagna on hand to cook when you're not able. It can be going to get a pedicure so that your toes look cute in your sandals. Meditation to help my thought spirals was a form of self-care. Joining a yoga class can be self-care and can help process the trauma out of your system.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3904   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8826451
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 Elara (original poster new member #84359) posted at 10:26 PM on Wednesday, February 28th, 2024

I have a letter of no contact ready to go, but I am not positive about the address. It's one of two house numbers on the same street. Any pointers as to where I can confirm an address?

Also, what is the best way to have it delivered so that I'm sure the AP receives it?

[This message edited by Elara at 10:36 PM, Wednesday, February 28th]

posts: 29   ·   registered: Jan. 12th, 2024   ·   location: NY
id 8826462
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 10:47 PM on Wednesday, February 28th, 2024

Who wrote the NC letter? If it was you, don't waste your time. She doesn't care about you.

He needs to write one..

Ap, never contact me,or my family again. Any further contact will result in legal action.

Wh

He knows the address. Ask him. He shouldn't hesitate to tell you.

Does her husband know?

But you are what you did
And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive
The smallest man who ever lived..

posts: 6812   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8826467
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 Elara (original poster new member #84359) posted at 11:48 AM on Thursday, February 29th, 2024

He wrote the letter. It was lengthy and unnecessarily explanatory - I pared it down to the bare minimum - a few sentences.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Jan. 12th, 2024   ·   location: NY
id 8826505
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 12:28 PM on Thursday, February 29th, 2024

Keep going Elara. Taking action gives you a sense of progress. But long term he should be leading the way, and initiating actions to fix his brokenness and rebuilding trust. Be prepared for a last minute confession prior to the poly.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3945   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8826507
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Twitchy ( member #25393) posted at 12:43 PM on Thursday, February 29th, 2024

OOPS. Wrong thread. Sorry

[This message edited by Twitchy at 12:44 PM, Thursday, February 29th]

BH(me)-57, FWW-Past,D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous. D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Li

posts: 778   ·   registered: Sep. 2nd, 2009   ·   location: Ontario - Canada
id 8826509
Topic is Sleeping.
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