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Newest Member: FabMom

Just Found Out :
Apparently 5 months since D-Day is not long!

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Webbit (original poster member #84517) posted at 9:10 AM on Tuesday, February 27th, 2024

Hi 👋

The other day I posted for the first time in the ‘General’ forum about my husbands affair. Small snippet below:


‘5 months ago I found out my husband was having an affair with a 23 year old co-worker. It went over a course of a month and they met up during work hours at her house to have sex on two occasions. We are in our early 40’s and have a 6 year old plus a 16 year old from a previous marriage.

I chose to stay and try and work it out but I just can’t. He has done everything right since eg marriage counselling, complete honesty and transparency about the affair (well if you can ever believe a cheater again), and working really hard on himself and the marriage. I can see how we can be a happy couple/family.’

Since then I have read plenty on all the forums on this website. It has opened my eyes and mind in a really positive way. Plus I feel I now have a better understanding that how I am feeling is nothing but normal and whilst it may not be fun, I will get through it.


I have had some really good conversations with hubby and have a plan moving forward in the hope of R. At the moment we are now focusing on me feeling safer and learning to trust again and we are doing that by him showing me some massive changes in his behaviour and making me his #1 priority.

So no real questions at this point but more a thank you to everyone in this group, it’s given me hope for a future with family intact. 💚

Webbit

posts: 172   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2024   ·   location: Australia
id 8826221
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 1:17 PM on Tuesday, February 27th, 2024

All I want to say is you Aussies really do have it all upside down! laugh
You post your JFO story in General, and then your promising update in JFO…
Joking aside – good to hear and remember that with hard work you will find happiness – with or without him.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12691   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8826226
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ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 9:08 PM on Tuesday, February 27th, 2024

At the moment we are now focusing on me feeling safer and learning to trust again and we are doing that by him showing me some massive changes in his behaviour and making me his #1 priority.

Is he in counseling or doing any kind of self-help to discover what's inside him that allowed him to say 'yes' to adultery?

It's great that he's working on his behavior, but what I found in my own situation is that my fWH prioritizing me and doing all the open-book, transparency things he could do to make me feel safe was not enough. I needed to know why he did it. I needed reassurance that he was remediating the poor character which allowed him to toss his integrity aside and be the kind of person who cheats and lies.

There are a lot of therapists and a lot of books which still blame "unmet needs" within a relationship for cheaters choosing to cheat. If you read my profile page, which you can find by clicking the little person icon in upper right of this post, you'll see that this last time wasn't our first rodeo and I've got some pretty strong feeling about the "unmet needs" fallacy. I had caught him cheating before, so I found out quite painfully what happens when we don't get to the bottom of the character issues. shocked

It does take a long time to rebuild new trust after an infidelity, but currently, I don't believe that we ever move on from the betrayal unless we've been able to assure ourselves that our WS has grown from the experience, that he's become self-aware and that his integrity has taken on new meaning for him. It's not enough that they do it for us, or to maintain the marriage. It needs to be more personal than that, something they would have done for themselves because they just couldn't live with being the kind of person who gives themselves permission to cheat anymore.

You've come to a good place here at SI with lots of folks who have BTDT. We can be tough on WS's and expect a lot from them, but in the long run, I think it's good to challenge the current therapy climate with expectations for real change.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs); Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 10

posts: 7075   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8826308
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 12:15 AM on Wednesday, February 28th, 2024

So sorry you were forced to find us but you will get support and good advice.

Too often we read here that the betrayed feels guilty for ending the relationship/marriage. And that should not be the case. If your spouse or partner is abusing you and you leave, you are doing so to protect yourself.

Same with an affair. Sometimes there is just no chance to R — even if the cheater changes and makes amends etc.

See the cheater often doesn’t take into account what could happen once the betrayed spouse learns of the affair. For some people — the trust is lost and the marriage is over. It cannot be saved.

So if you really cannot be happy staying in the marriage then you owe it to yourself and your family to be honest. It will hurt initially but if you know you are doing the right thing then it will work out.

Don’t stay in an unhappy marriage. Life is too short.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 11 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 14227   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8826335
Topic is Sleeping.
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