SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My x had a second life. He traveled for work. She became the "work wife" she wd travel w/him, his company even knew. I stayed home and raised the kids for 30yrs. He on the other hand maintained this facade for 13.5YEARS. Yes you read correctly. He came home to me on wkends to play house, and get another need met (yes from her too) this has left me in a spiral. Therepy,meds still difficult funny thing is…."he says he did nothing wrong. Narcissist at its finest. If you commit a crime you go to jail. This the courts w/not even file the truth. Emotional abuse is something no one talks about. better off I know but scars are very deep!
We have 3 grown son's. Yes, I want them to have a relationship w/him, I have heard from them "he's still my dad". Yet, I have not ever felt supported my son's. They have never held him accoutable. They still have their wkends away w/him ect. He is still w/the hw it seems like she took over my life. Took my dogs,my house,my bed everything. I feel as if I am punished for his crime. It has been years since I found out yet it still feels like yesterday. I just do not understand...him,her and my boy's. Why am I treated like I commited a crime and they act as if nothing happened.

Just How… I’m sorry what you are experiencing… i have a very similar story. You have been heard. You are not alone. Please put yourself first. Get into a good therapist that specializes in betrayal trauma. For you. Find a lawyer… it’s important to know next steps if you have to go that route. Talk to doctor if having trouble sleeping and anxiety and to be tested for std. Also be kind to yourself. You’ve just discovered your world wasn’t what you thought it was. Your reality and perception of your life was very different than what you thought it was. Self care is your number one priority. Read everything you can on infidelity by a variety of doctors and specialists that have studied the subject. Time to put yourself first.

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry for your pain. The Healing Library has a lot of great information that may help you. Plus, that's where our list of acronyms is kept. Also, in the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there are threads that you might find helpful, such as LTAs (long term affairs).

For me, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist really helped me along my healing journey. Mindfulness and meditation have helped, too.

There is nothing that's fair about infidelity.

The unfairness of it all truly is the most infuriating thing about infidelity. It's all so unnecessary. And people would rather suck up to the perpetrators to keep the peace or have a mentality of "it didn't happen to me, so it doesn't actually affect me." This throwaway society is becoming a real endemic

Sorry you feel so alone in this. But you're not alone. Just as the family you love and the ones supposedly to support you turn their backs on you, there are people or even strangers who rise up and support you instead. You've found us.

Keep posting and one foot in front of the other. Time for you to be a little selfish now. Lots of self-care.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 5:55 PM, Tuesday, February 20th]

Hi, JustHow - welcome to SI.

I'm so sorry for what you've experienced. You mention it's been years, but it feels like yesterday.
Can I ask how long ago this was discovered and when the divorce took place? The fact that you feel like it was just yesterday suggests to me that you have a lot of unresolved trauma that you've been unable to move past. Trauma from infidelity (and the fallout) is just as real as PTSD that soliders have post-war, and there is no shame at all in it at all. Are you still in therapy? Have you started to build your own life separate from your ex?

Yes, I want them to have a relationship w/him, I have heard from them "he's still my dad". Yet, I have not ever felt supported my son's. They have never held him accountable. They still have their wkends away w/him ect.

It's natural to want justice - there is zero fairness in any of this. From where you are sitting, it probably feels like you are the only one who has any consequences at all and I imagine seeing the OW play "happy family" with your adult children is excruciating. That said, and please know I'm saying this in the most gentle possible way, it is not fair or healthy to expect/ask your sons to be the ones to punish their father for this. I say this as someone who was (roughly) in your sons' position - my dad left my mother to be with the OW when I was 19 (we were not actually told about the OW until it came out a few years later). I was technically an adult at the time, but no one prepares you for that.

The relationship your kids have with your ex is (and should be) separate from the relationship you have with your ex and they need to figure out and navigate that on their own. They can and should be able to have a relationship with their father, without feeling like they are betraying their mother. Your own injury prevents you from being a confidant in any of this but they are hurting too. Whether you see it or not, I imagine that their perception of him (and themselves - kids often identify with their parents to some degree) has been irrevocably altered. If they are anything like me, they will still be unravelling the fallout from this decades later. As I approach 40, I have so much more respect and reverence for how my mother handled things than I ever could have at 20.

The best you can do to support them through this is to respect their space, and not make the time you do spend with them more difficult or complicated (or emotionally loaded) than it has to be. As a married adult who does not live in the same city as either of my parents or inlaws, navigating family time and holidays is already complicated. Having divorced parents who I would not ask to be in the same room outside of an absolute necessity (ie. weddings/graduations) makes it harder. Having 3 different households to visit necessarily results in each receiving fewer visits. Especially when I was just starting out at work and had limited holiday time, I used to exhaust myself trying to see everyone while pleasing no one ("it's a shame you can't stay longer...."). Holidays are supposed to be relaxing and managing all those expectations was anything but. I am grateful that no one scorekeeps anymore (at least not out loud ).

Play the long-game, and trust that your kids will eventually come to their own conclusions about who their father is - because if he's truly a narcissist they will. Focus on your OWN relationship with them and stop trying to compare it to the one they have with your ex and the wife-tress (I know that's hard) - things do not always appear as they seem. Do not pump them for information about their dad and the hw. Do not make sideways comments if their father's name comes up in conversation. Do not use them as a sounding board to vent about the unfairness of it all - that's what a therapist or SI is for! Do not guilt trip them for not being able to spend Thanksgiving with you this year, because they have plans with their father - find another day that fits with their schedule and make the most of it. It'll work itself out eventually.

You still there JustHow? I hope I didn't scare you off.

Emotional abuse is something no one talks about. better off I know but scars are very deep!

For me betrayal is VIOLENCE: it leaves you with pain, insomnia, PTSD, you need therapy because it is a TRAUMA and yet it is overlooked by this society as "something normal".

Years later you are still thinking of the affair, how that person you trusted crushed your trust and spat on it. Yes, it is violence because it VIOLATES YOUR DIGNITY AND THE COVENANT you agreed on with your spouse to be in an exclusive relationship. For me it should be punished by law for both perpetrators and then we would see statistics drop.