Welcome to SI. Before you go much farther, I recommend reading the bull'seyed posts on the 2nd page of this forum and the 1st post in the Wayward Side forum, Things that every WS need to know. The WS post will give you some insight into the actions you can expect from a remorseful WS.
How did your H stop the drugs? I think that makes a big difference in how to respond to his infidelity.
IMO, infidelity is a side effect of drug addiction - the drugs reduce inhibitions in someone who doesn't care about their life anyways, so there are fewer barriers to cheating and its devastating effects.
Whatever the cause of an A, though, it's almost guaranteed to dump immense pain - anger, grief, fear, shame - onto the BS. Your healing, IMO, is to feel the pain and let it go - feeling the pain lets it go. There's so much pain that you'll probably feel it will never end, but it will if you let it. A good IC can help. Once you start accepting the pain, your head will clear, and you'll figure out what you want. That will take longer than you want it to take, but have some faith in yourself. You're stronger than you realize.
You did not cause this. Especially under the influence of drugs, your WS chose to cheat. He might have let drugs do the choosing, but he chose the drug.
I agree with not outing your H to friends and family with R still a possibility. You almost definitely need someone to talk with. SI is great for peer counseling, but one-to-one real time conversation provides a different kind of help.
You'll find all sorts of comments here on SI. Some will tell you what to do; some will aim at helping you figure out what you want to do. I'd trust the advice that builds your strength to go your own way.
From your description, your H may be a good candidate for R. That does NOT mean you have to R, but if he is a good candidate, you have 2 good options.
Have some faith in yourself. Be kind to yourself. You didn't cause this. You can survive and thrive, with or without your WS.
Here's something I wrote long ago:
Let's go back to basics:
I recommend thinking of R as 3 healings:
1) You heal you. Most BSes are inundated with immense amounts of one or more of grief, anger, fear, shame on d-day. The largest part of your work is to process those feelings out of your body. A good IC can help you do this.
2) Your WS heals themself. They need to change from cheater to good partner. I think that requires IC for the WS, but others disagree.
3) Together you build a new M.
This means you can recover from being betrayed without your WS; that is, you can survive this crisis and thrive without your WS, but you need your WS to R. You can heal yourself because you control yourself. You don't control your WS. I recommend making 'survive and thrive' your primary goal and R your stretch goal.
Have you read the Healing Library here? If not, there's a lot of good stuff there. Click the link in the yellow box in the upper left of the SI pages.
I think there are a number of keys ingredients to R.
First, what do you want? Do you really want R? If not, don't lie to yourself - both R & D are morally good responses to being betrayed. R is hard work, and wanting it makes it less difficult, but it's difficult even when you want it.
I recommend figuring out your requirements for R and seeing if your WS will sign on. If they won't, perhaps they can come up with something else that will meet your requirements, but if you can't negotiate something truly acceptable to both of you, great - you can go directly to D. Otherwise, you can monitor them for 3-6 months and commit to R for yourself if they are (is?) consistent in meeting your requirements.
The requirements need to be observable and measurable. That way it's easy to monitor progress and make adjustments as you go along.
Common requirements include:
NC - no contact with ap; if ap initiates contact, report to BS and together decide how to respond
Transparency - BS has passwords to e-mail, voice-mail, phones, etc.; WS keeps BS informed of whereabouts, activities, and companions at virtually all times
Honesty - WS answers BS's questions when they're asked, although sometimes a break is necessary, sometimes an answer is best deferred to MC session, etc., no more lies.
IC for WS - to change the thoughts and feelings that supported the A, with signed release that enables C to talk with BS about WS's goals and progress (so the BS can make sure WS's IC isn't being lied to).
IC for BS - for support - and for resolving any internal issue that comes up
MC - to help communications between the partners. Be careful to avoid MCs who don't deal with the A first. An MC who starts off trying to identify systemic problems probably won't help. You need someone who will help resolve the trauma before going into systemic problems.
Some (Most?) people have individual requirements - my W had to arrange dates for us on a weekly basis and must initiate sex sometimes. What do you want from your W?
And R is a joint endeavor - if one of you hides objections to the other's requirements, you sabotage R. And you have to see your WS as a human being of worth equal to your own to make R work. You don't have to see your WS as a human being whose worth is equal to your own, but you sure can't R, except with an equal.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:53 PM, Friday, February 2nd]