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It's been two and a half months since DDay and I am still in the stages of shock that include feeling sick to my stomach, I have lost a significant amount of weight, and now I found out that my ex-fiance (XF) and the OW are planning a wedding together...identical to the one that we were planning.

For context, my ex and I were together for four and a half years. We had a great life together (so I thought) but but had very normal issues that any couple had. I genuinely thought he was my person so I was ecstatic when he proposed in July. We talked frequently about getting married that even before the proposal we were planning our lives together. Things took a dramatic turn in August. He started a new job that was significantly more demanding than the previous, and he started to question his career. On top of that, one night I noticed that he was looking at old conversations with flings he had in university (almost 10 years ago), started wearing his high school football jersey a lot, and he was very withdrawn during the time together that we did have. His phone was a constant problem throughout our relationship as it seemed like his only "hobby". I felt like he was going through a very young mid-life crisis.

My XF had a friend whom I never trusted the entirety of our relationship. She was overly needy, was constantly messaging him on Snapchat and it seemed like she needed his attention all of the time. This friend of his got married two years ago and that was my first time meeting her in person. The first thing she said to me was "Oh, you're actually pretty" and that she knew that she was my XF soulmate. Physically, I knew that she checked his boxes, and I knew that they talked a lot, but I had a deep trust in my XF that I didn't impose any strict boundaries at that point. I let him know how concerning it was to hear that but he laughed it off, constantly reassuring me that he wanted to be with me. In March of 2023 I planned a surprise birthday party for him and invited her and her husband, but only she showed up. She made a point of interrogating me about my mental health that night (while she was heavily intoxicated) and how high maintenance I was which was mind blowing to me because we didn't know each other and this was clearly not the event for such an encounter. That was really the final straw for me. When I approached my XF about this I was gaslit and told that she does respect me and that she would never do anything to compromise our relationship. Her and her husband very suddenly moved to another province in September and my XF and she went out to a "goodbye dinner" where neither I nor her husband were invited. I said that because of these things I did not feel comfortable with inviting her to our wedding.

The day I bought my wedding dress at the end of October I was met with a look of pure fear on my XF face that I actually made the purchase. My XF always had difficulties with big emotions, even to the point that his own mother would chat with me about her concerns with him. He had let me know that he had concerns with our relationship to the point we needed to focus on them over the wedding, which I gladly agreed to do. The next day he came to me saying that he has not been happy for some time and that he felt as though he was my caregiver and that I exhausted him. To be fully transparent, my ex hardly took care of himself since I met him to the point he brushed his teeth once a day and I was always the one who cleaned/took care of the apartment, laundry, quite literally did everything except his job for him. There was an ongoing joke with his friends and family that I was his administrative assistant because he never responded to people in his life and they would go through me when they have needed to contact him.

The next two weeks would be literal hell. There were new and often times contradicting epiphanies, every day. Because of how much I loved him I listened to support him, as he worked through every single issue he ever had with me and told me about it. I was too paralyzed to speak because so many of these issues (if not all) were never brought up to me before but I was committed and willing to do anything for our relationship. A few days later we were invited to a dinner party that was hosted by the OW and her husband which I decided not to go to, but my XF still went; it hit me like a tonne of bricks in that moment. I asked him if he was having an emotional affair with her which he shared that he was and had been since September. The reason why I asked about an emotional over physical is because they would not see each other a lot but were always talking on the phone with one another. He told me that both him and her had decided to tell their partners and work through their current situations before pursuing each other but I feel like they both said that to make themselves feel somewhat better. He became a completely different person and said things to me along the lines of he's not attracted to me anymore because I gained weight, that some of my best qualities are "low-grade" (i.e. kindness and compassion), and that the plans we made to have kids and get married were things he could see in his life, just not with me. On a side note, he "joked" that he now joined all of his male friends who have all cheated on partners before... Needless to say I wasn't laughing.

Our first couples therapy session he said that he needed to decide if he wanted to work through things with me because he felt like he needed to, or because he wanted to. We decided to take some time apart to figure out where we stand, and when he returned home he kept saying how much he appreciated the warm welcome, and how much it meant to him that I sat with him and consoled him while he cried. I had hope because he was looking at me the way he did in the beginning with love in his eyes, and kept telling me how selfless I was being letting him have space to work through his stuff as he initially said that "nothing in life makes him happy". It was actually one of the only times I felt genuine gratitude from him. Similarly, the OW and her husband were in therapy and despite OW being told to cut off communication with my XFfor 4-6 months (at least), she said that she couldn't do that and would do 2 weeks instead. He also shared that he would never cut off communication with her and he didn't want to be in a relationship where his friendship with her wouldn't be celebrated. Exactly one year from our wedding day, and three days before my XF and OW could talk again, my XF said he had no hope for our relationship so we ended it.

Considering this all took place within two weeks and that my XF was with me for almost five years, I have been feeling lost and confused. I can't comprehend this dramatic change in behaviour and the fact that he basically transferred all of his actions and intensity in our relationship to his relationship with the OW (She has coincidentally decided to leave her husband). As of right now, my XF and the OW are planning a wedding together (while she is not even divorced yet) and this event has all identical details to the one that I was planning including colours, venue, etc. This makes me sick. This was four years of my life that I believed to be happy, to find out that I have been completely disregarded almost instantly (along with OW's husband), and they're now planning their future together. His mom has reached out to me to acknowledge the pain and trauma that he has caused, the same with his best friend, and everyone in my life is looking at this thinking "what the hell?" because it was so sudden and drastic. But now I'm left wondering if this was as sudden as it seems.

[EDITED: WS = XF, OP = OW)

[This message edited by thedistraction94 at 5:00 PM, Thursday, January 4th]

Oh my gosh you need a huge hug. And your XF needs a big kick in the head.

I’m sorry you had to join this group. You can read articles in the Healing Library that might help. I’m sure you are or will get some professional help.

But your XF has some serious flaws. And issues. And complete lack of morals.

I’m going to tell you this because it’s true. This relationship with his new flavor of the week won’t last. He thinks she’s special blah blah blah. But when the real him shows up (and it will) she’s not sticking around.

What’s appealing to them both is the thrill of the chase. It’s new. It’s exciting. It’s a challenge. It’s those two clowns against the world. They have a common bond right now — but it’s not enough to make a relationship or marriage.

The OW is a wack-a-Doodle. It’s obvious.

He’s just too stupid to see it.

You need to know that while you did everything for him because you loved him, he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t appreciate it. You did nothing wrong. How nice he brought up your "flaws". I hope you know by now that was just an excuse to justify his cheating.

And yes I do think he was cheating on you before you found out. His pattern of behavior has all the red flags 🚩 of a typical cheater. The OW showing up at the party solo — hmmmmm seems obvious to me why that happened.

Typical cheater behavior:

Blame everyone for his unhappiness

Pick on you for stupid things

Not step up and be an adult (you have to tell him to brush his teeth?!)

I think you see where this is going.

I’m sorry for your pain & devastation. You will heal. You will survive. You will get past this. We all do.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:35 AM, Thursday, January 4th]

I don’t have the words to describe how I imagine you to feel right now. Taking you far enough down the aisle to the point of buying a wedding dress all the while he is pining for another, not sure what he wants. This world seems full of people who are just lost in life, have no self awareness, are so out of touch with themselves, don’t know what they want, don’t know who they are, just operating on pure impulse, chasing butterflies.

I could, take a very objective and logical accounting of all that you have to be thankful for by discovering who he is now before getting married, having children, sacrificing opportunities and your full potential, missing opportunities to be with your TRUE love, becoming financially, socially entangled, the wasting of precious time, etc., but…

that’s not going to make you feel better, now.

Just KNOW, that you WILL, do SOOO much better than…👉 that freaking guy.

I am sorry for what you’ve been through and are going through. It’s awful beyond words. It is clear that your ex and OP are living in a delusional world. It is not going to end well with them. They are getting carried away with the excitement of a new relationship and a wedding but give them some time…. Things are going to blow up in their faces. Their relationship started out with lies and deception. It is not going to last. I’d give them one year at best.
But enough about their ill fate that awaits them.
Let’s concentrate on you. You need to take care of yourself and focus on healing from this trauma. Please get the help and support you need from professionals and friends. You will survive this and find love again in the future. You dodged a bullet by not marrying this man. You are going to make it through this. Keep posting here for advice and support.

Oh my gosh you need a huge hug. And your XF needs a big kick in the BALLS

Fixed that last word for ya, 1stWife.

Pretty much this exact same scenario happened to my best friend years ago. She was with him for years, but he wouldn't marry her. Then her best friend/yoga teacher suddenly started spending a whole lot of time with her, hanging out and learning all the things about the relationship that my friend shared only with those closest to her.

Next thing you know the 'best friend' quite literally hijacked her life. The guy ran off with her, he married her and they bought a beautiful heritage house that my friend had her heart set on but he wouldn't agree to buy it with her because he was so cheap. They bought that house and moved in, and his family hates her because she is so controlling and he is a quiet guy to the point of being nearly mute so she just steamrolls over everyone.

It all happened in the space of a year, and my friend took several years crawling from that wreckage. Talk about blindsided!

So yeah, these people exist, they are soul-suckers and you need to just get as far away from them as you possibly can. Five years is a substantial amount of time, it was 22 years for me until I found his true colours. Big hugs, you'll survive this and move on.

So sorry that you find yourself here and your story is heartbreaking. Please understand that it does get better from here and that you will not only survive this, but you will rise from the ashes like a Phoenix and this will one day be like the scar on my wrist from ligament repair surgery, 20 years later, it doesn't hurt, but it is a reminder of what I went through.

The only advice that I could offer to someone in your shoes is to work on completely detaching from that relationship you had with him. Whatever you two had is now dead and buried if you will. To do that, you are going to have to go completely no contact with him and anyone in his family. Keeping in contact with his mother is going to just drag out your healing process. The best revenge is a life well lived and you have your whole life ahead of you. In other words, don't let this bastard's cheating actions ruin the rest of your life. Rather than look at this like a dark cloud hanging over your life that you dwell on, look at this as a tremendous opportunity for you to fall in love with the most important person in your life, yourself. Reflect on the 5-year relationship and think about the choices you made where you maybe put him or the relationship ahead of something you wanted to do. Maybe it was something small like he didn't like to eat spicy Thai food, so you compromised and ordered takeout from somewhere else...well sister, then order yourself whatever the hell you want and savor every last bite. Or it could be that you ha always wanted to travel to Machu Picchu but he wanted to travel to Rome, well, when you can accommodate it, take that trip you've always wanted to take. Take up a habit or hobby that you maybe set aside for the relationship. The point being, that now is the time for you to love yourself and listen to yourself and only yourself. Find yourself again, as we all tend to lose a bit of ourselves within a relationship and it is important that you take steps to correct that.

Trust me, those things will be part of your healing journey/Phoenix story down the road and when the timing is right and you are ready, if you are still looking for a partner, you will now have a whole bunch of knowledge and perspective of what not to look for in a partner. If you are being honest with yourself, and this is where a good therapist can help you here, which I highly recommend, you can identify what traits about your ex-partner you may have overlooked, and going forward you will have a healthier boundaries and ultimately pick a better partner for you.

Look at him realistically. He is not a good, kind, decent person. You need to make a New Year’s resolution to get him so completely out of your life that you know nothing about him. You don’t check on him socially, you tell people not to inform you of him, go completely no contact with him. I know you think that he is someone to love but those of us on here know he is someone you should not love. Because he’s not worth it. He really is not worth it.

Once you get rid of anything that belongs to him, close off info, you will begin to heal.

I am so sorry this was done to you. Please take care of yourself. Remember the things he said are wrong with you are lies. And people who lie to vulnerable people are not worth one tear.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 6:30 PM, Thursday, January 4th]

How unoriginal of them to copy your wedding plans your ex must be leading the way on this and OW just going along like a dum dum. Most of our WS's took their AP's to the same places they took us and say the same exact things to them as they said to us. It's pathetic.

I could, take a very objective and logical accounting of all that you have to be thankful for by discovering who he is now before getting married, having children, sacrificing opportunities and your full potential, missing opportunities to be with your TRUE love, becoming financially, socially entangled, the wasting of precious time, etc

^^^This I know you are in pain and don't see this yet but you dodged a major bullet with this guy. Once you are married with kids and finances it is 100x harder to leave. Lots of people here have stayed together after an A for this reason alone and not because they love their WS. Lots of us have been in limbo because of entanglements of M.

Thank you all so much for your kindness and wisdom. I’m so glad that I found this community.