Topic is Sleeping.
Emotionalhell (original poster member #39902) posted at 12:56 PM on Sunday, December 24th, 2023
I have been reflecting on how I have responded with the previous discoveries of his affairs. I really have no idea how many affairs he has had and don’t care anymore.
After each discovery of betrayal of whatever I’d get stuck in flight or fight and to cope I became a workaholic in some respects. I didn’t sit with my emotions and figure this out for myself. Because of my constant need for staying busy I allowed myself to get sucked back into how kind he is to my face and allowed wh to act like everything is okay.
Thankfully this time I am somewhere between freeze and flight but I know I’m not letting myself get sucked back into his kindness. Facing that if I do I will just get hurt again. I must do what is best for me. Yes it may be hard but I do deserve peace and I deserve to be treated with respect.
I also think my fear of leaving and finding another cheater has held me back… just some thoughts. I tried to take what “good” I thought there was in this relationship and move on. But all the “good” was just lies while he plotted conquering his next sex act.
[This message edited by Emotionalhell at 1:10 PM, Sunday, December 24th]
Me BS x2. 50ish Divorced WH #1. IHS with wayward #2 Dday #1 Oct. 2014Dday # 2 August 2018. Dday #3 December 17th.
gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 2:33 PM on Sunday, December 24th, 2023
EH,
Truly sorry for your horrible experience(s).
I also think my fear of leaving and finding another cheater has held me back… just some thoughts.
I can assure you not all men cheat. You’re choosing to stick with a 100% known serial cheater. "The best predictor of a man’s future actions is his past behavior". Your fear is chaining you to a miserable man, and you suffering the fallout. I’m truly sad you’ve decided to keep yourself in this disaster.
Have you considered IC to dig into why?
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:24 PM on Sunday, December 24th, 2023
There's always the thread about fear and reality of D in the D/S forum. You've probably seen it, but if you haven't, check it out.
I'm very sorry you've gone through this, but your reflections are great gifts to yourself.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:01 PM on Tuesday, December 26th, 2023
I also think my fear of leaving and finding another cheater has held me back…
Divorce is a huge decision and it is very scary but once you can make peace with it it starts to get easier. I was deathly afraid of divorce and it kept me in limbo for many years. My fear was breaking up the family unit, but my limbo and my XWS continuous emotional abuse took a toll on my mental and physical heath. It was at that point that I realized I needed to save myself and that became more important than my fear of leaving. I knew I needed to leave otherwise my kids would have had an unwell mother who stayed with an unwell father in a very sick dynamic.
I also have found out since leaving that it has been a lot easier for the fresh slate. I have 100% trust with my new boyfriend and now I know anyone is capable of cheating, it is what I do after I discover the cheating that counts and I know now I will survive and will not tolerate it again.
[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:02 PM, Tuesday, December 26th]
fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorced 8/8/24
luvedmypbear ( member #25690) posted at 10:56 PM on Tuesday, December 26th, 2023
I really appreciate the insights here. I set a filing date of March 9, 2024 in the fall of 2022. I had the year and a half to explore pathways to success in the current relationship.
Now that all of those bridges have been fully burned, I have accepted the only thing I can control in all of this chaos is my reaction to the chaos.
It gives me strength and hope about the future whether it’s on my own, with someone else, or forging a new relationship with WH.
luvedmypbear didn’t care what you thought. She knew she was a badass.
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 12:18 AM on Wednesday, December 27th, 2023
When you stop making excuses for the cheater and accepting lies as part of your relationship, you will start to heal.
And start to make decisions that out you first, and not the cheater and not the relationship/marriage.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
Topic is Sleeping.
