SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey guys,
Don't post to much, do read though. Sorry, I did get banned from a couple areas at the beginning for violating a rule.
So the title kinda says it all. I'm really looking for advice to ensure I don't mess up here. Recently the wife and I have completely changed our lives. We've been married 39 years now. April of this year, found out I have cancer, a rare form of lymphoma. So after doing initial treatments and several consultations with my drs, I decided after extensive discussions with the wife that I would do an early retirement at my then job (18 yrs), sell the house and move to where our 21 yr old daughter is living and engaged to be married. Be able to be near her and we can make some really good memories together to pass on. Drs recommended that I change work due to taxing my immune system as well.
Now We've up and moved across country and I've started a new job, just for a couple years till retirements kick in.
The wife has no friends here same as I. So I'm getting to know some of the people I work with. Normally I don't mix business and pleasure so to speak, guess a left over protective thing from a military career. I have a work partner that we do a similar job within a work group, that has been teaching me the ropes here on the job. The partner is a woman.
So I see a chance for my wife to possibly make a friend, as the lady and her husband aren't much younger than us. She has even said she'd like to meet my wife.
Now the odd part. Im fairly private and standoffish, my work partner has said we should grab breakfast after work sometime to yak about things and get to know each other good. Well this is where the bell went off in my head. Talked to my wife about this and she, like me, doesn't feel comfortable with that. I did tell my work partner that I'd enjoy hanging for breakfast, but only if our spouses joined us, as I felt it was inappropriate otherwise, as we both are married.
I just want to ensure that as I go forward with a new life, that I maintain good life boundries.
My wife and I are very monogamous and have no desire to an open marriage or swinging. We are fine with how our marriage is. We both just want to make new friendships here. My work partner said she doesn't care either way. She doesn't tell her hubs what he can or can't do. He's a SAHD.
Should I just not get to know any of my work partners off the job and meet others in other ways? I just feel uncomfortable being in mixed company in that way, even if it is innocent.

Should I just not get to know any of my work partners off the job and meet others in other ways?

This is a personal choice with what your preference is and it does not have to be one way or the other. IE you can make work friends as well as join some community groups together with your spouse to expand your friends in your new environment. I just find it harder to make friends in adulthood. Everyone is running around with their own responsibilities so it is hard to find the time.

I have at least one good friend from each job I had during my life. We remained friends for decades later (long after we moved on in careers).

I think making friends at work is the easiest due to the sheer amount of time you are there.

Since you referred to your coworker suggesting breakfast, I assume you are doing night shifts. Both of my children are in medical careers with unconventional hours and going for breakfast after work is very common in their environments.

I would do what you and your W are comfortable with.

You should always do what you and your wife agree is best for your relationship, as you know, but I think that we who have been through the fire of infidelity tend to see danger in innocuous situations. For instance, you mentioned that you're not interested in swinging when all the woman did was ask if you wanted to grab breakfast.

If you could turn back the clock to before you responded, I'd say to ask the COW if your wife could join you and leave the requirement that her husband be there too out of it.

"… doesn't tell her hubs what he can or can't do…."

Is this something she said to you after the suggestion to invite the spouses to breakfast? Don’t really love this, sounds almost like implying that YOUR wife does tell you that (as if your wife put you up to inviting the spouses). Maybe not. Just keep in mind there are times when it is a little harder for men to tell if women have good intentions or vice versa. You’re a grown up so obviously you already know that, just a reminder.

It sounds like YOUR BOUNDARIES are very good. I am impressed and kind of which you could make a TED TALK for the rest of the world. Maybe you are thinking they might be too tight. I’m probably the wrong person to ask about that because I am thrice bitten thrice shy. My GF, father and husband all found affairs at work. My grandfather divorced my grandmother and married the OW.

But, I hear you about being in a new place so how the heck are you supposed to meet people. My husband and I do socialize with a few couples from his work because we also live in a place where if we didn’t do that we might have fewer social options. It sounds like you guys talk this stuff through as a couple extensively which is just so nice.

Hey again,
So quick answers to a few folks. Yes I work nights now at the new job.
I only referenced the alternative life styles as a back ground for the wife and I. Never meant to infer anything else.
Not sure why my COW would think the wife is controlling of me. Its my choice not to want to be alone with a person of the opposite sex, because I do wish to avoid compromising situations. I am in no way looking for another relationship outside of genuine friendship. Hoping can also help the wife to meet others and find new friendships as well.

It's good for you to enforce healthy boundaries, it seems she has challenged those by suggesting you are controlled by your W.

My W has a very good friend that has a very similar sense of humor as me. We like to exchange inappropriate meme's, we do this all the time but its on a group chat with my W and her H. This is our new normal after Dday, no private conversation with the opposite sex.

My wife and I have found that post infidelity that doing things as a team has worked out to both our comfort levels. Additionally, one of the things we changed is that any of our gal friends, I don’t email or text without copying her in a group fashion. My best friends wife, I text her and my wife at the same time, addressing the message to her and not my wife, but I do that with the express purpose of my wife knowing exactly what was being said between us. My best friends wife has never been anyone that was a threat or anything like that, but it’s a woman who is our friend and I’m all about doing what is needed to make my wife feel comfortable with my friendships.

Honestly, after dealing with my WH infidelity (with a COW), I feel it is healthy to keep boundaries. Now I'm a firm believer to keep work separate from your private life. That's how many work affairs begin, just being friends, a quick coffee in the lunch room, an innocent email or two.

You and your wife could volunteer, join meetup groups (there are so many online), find clubs within your own community, get to know your neighbors. My town has a food pantry, a VFW, a senior center, several churches, a community center where there are scheduled activities monthly for different age groups. My town is always looking for volunteers for the annual picnic, annual town wide garage sale, town flea market, Christmas tree lighting, and several other community gatherings. Our library also has activities for all ages throughout the year (book club, knitting club, yoga, arts and crafts, etc.)

When my WH and I moved to TX and didn't know a soul, we made friends volunteering at an animal shelter and talking with neighbors. Our children were grown so it was very difficult as well, I understand but I think if you put yourselves out there as a couple you will begin to make some friends.

Hi guys!
Thanks for all the nuggets about ways to meet up and possibly make friends now a days. We haven't moved any place since 1988, when we bought our house. That one was lost to a fire in 2017. Built and finished a new one in the same place in 2019. So we've had the easy life of having and maintaining long friendships.
Right now as we transition into a new house its just not in the cards. Lots of stress about everything. However when we do get settled in, im looking to find some groups we can interact with to create a more social life.
Just don't want to anything to worry the wife about showing interest in other ladies. Shes always been paranoid of that. Low self esteem issues. Especially now thats shes pretty much handicapped with a very bad knee and overweight with asthma and bad allergies to boot. She does most of the cooking while I do the vast majority of the house work. Just the way it is..do what I can to help make her days as pain free as possible.
Also I've always had an open phone with her. Nothing to hide, no need to worry. She can and has just recently gone through my phone. Again a bit paranoid. Kinda understand though. My libido at 63 is the same as it was at 25! Hers, well...