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Greetings from the Land of Chaos!

Things are going well with my personal life and with my relationship with WH. But...'Tis the Season I'm in a Holiday Funk and going through the motions.

I have no particular trigger for the Christmas & New Years Holidays. Yes, it was a LTA but while other days are heavy trigger days (like I want to hide in a bunker for days before, during and after [ahem - my birthday, Valentine's Day and Mother's Day]) I just feel numb.

A few years back in 2020 - for the first time - I actually felt my Joy return. I actually enjoyed the merriment and lights and decorations. I actually gleefully participated in events. Then...that February... I caught LTAP making fake profiles attempting to reach out to WH [and blew that up to OBS] which resulted in WH hiring an attorney and sending what the attorney called a "strongly worded Cease and Desist to the Bunny Boiler"

Since then...blah at best - anxiety filled bundle of glittery nerves or nothingness at worst.

Trust me SI friends, I'm doing all the self care things. And in true Chaos fashion, am amping up the sparkle in my undies and lipgloss when feeling particularly down. I have my trusty emergency Xanax Rx if things get too overwhelming - and remind myself there is no shame in using it. I track my exercise and make sure I'm bundling up and getting fresh air when I go walking.

Anyone else? BS and/or WS? And if so...what are you doing to either overcome or just sit and feel the feels?

PS - yes...my VS and ULTA carts are locked and loaded and just waiting for me to pull the trigger :)

I’m sorry to hear about your funk and can relate.

It’s exhausting trying trying and trying. Doing the codependent dance and trying to get H to see me as something other than disgusting or unattractive. Then self sabotaging by poking the bear when I’m frustrated at his lack of caring or the work I’m putting in not getting the results I desire. I think I’m going to start taking the CodA work seriously in the new year. Detach detach detach. I did tell H that I am going to keep pointing out when I am working and the times when he is refusing to allow himself to be held on to… as he told me he wanted me to hold on to him… as he’s refusing me to buy him a Christmas present because he’s just emotionally exhausted and unhappy with us.

Outside of H, I am loving the holidays- working with the kids to decorate, taking the lead on that. Hosting in laws, making crafts with my baby nieces and shopping with and for the kids. They’re really at a fun age and my nieces are a real joy to be around. I’m going to focus on my kids, decorating, baking, choir and friends the rest of the season.

On a final note though, I watched Oppenheimer last night and a quote really hit me, "You don’t get to go and sun and then have everyone feel sorry for you when there are consequences." So there’s that.

I'll admit to being in a Holiday Funk. Part of it is that this past Wednesday would have been my 37th wedding anniversary. For the past several years, we had watched the Hallmark Christmas movies. So now the commercials can trigger the funk. It doesn't help that work gets crazy busy due to annual updates, and I'm getting too old to work 60+ hour work weeks for a few months.

Would I go back to the M? Nope, nope, nope. I'm so much happier and enjoying my post-D life. I can do what I want AND have control of the TV remote. LOL.

So, I feel the funk and make sure I'm not hibernating. It's tougher to do self-care until work slows down. Since my goal of having a 50th wedding anniversary is out of the picture, I'm going to find another goal to work toward. I'm thinking a trip to Hawaii may be in the works, or somewhere else I may want to go.