SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I wasn’t sure if any of the folks I first started with on this crazy journey were still around so thought I would post here to start.

After 11 years from Dday, I am sad to say I am filing for D. There have been good times during the 11 years where I felt I could trust WH, I did uncover some porn use now and then.

Two weeks ago I uncovered him using and only fans account - it looked like for a couple of weeks but who knows if this has been ongoing. I also saw where he lost 25K from a 401 k account, took out loans I didn’t know about and has been paying some other odd accounts. It’s terrible.

When confronted he lied of course and then kind of admitted some of it. I have asked him to leave, but he has t yet. He found out I just opened my own bank account and was furious with me. Hmmmm I do a normal thing most women do but he has clearly lied and deceived me?

I can’t believe it’s happening, we are so close to retirement and had so many lovely plans. I know I will be ok, but it’s hard. I have good support from family and friends.

Fact is he is a sex addict who never completely overcame his addiction. He tried a lot of things but I don’t think fully engaged. I know you guys will understand.

I'm so sorry you had a reason to return, it's something we plan for but never hope to execute. Welcome back, you know this is a safe place.

Hey PinkJeepLady, we must be related. I went 12 years after D-Day 1 thinking he was 'working on things' like his sex addiction, until he got arrested for soliciting a prostitute, on my happy birthday no less, and I filed. I too had a (raspberry red) Jeep.

You sound calm, considering the extent of the latest discoveries. Are you still in shock? Or just 109% done with the nonsense? I can so imagine. Hope you stay strong and get completely free of this guy. We don't deserve this as our lot in life.

I wish Lionne were still posting, she used to have a different name here. I think she was here when I found SI.

He’s committed financial infidelity and severely impacted your future.

And he’s mad you have your own bank account? ROFLMAO 🤣

Typical cheater behavior btw.

I’m sorry you had to experience this. But you sound like you are / were prepared for something like this.

I remember you. I'm so sorry he betrayed you again.

It doesn't suck any less the second time around.

Take care of you and get those ducks in a row.

Thanks for the support, I for sure need it. I have learned a lot in the past few years about addictions which is helping me understand none of this is about me. I have also been working on myself, learning to allow feeling, things like that which is helping me cope.

This group absolutely saved me 11 years ago. I learned I could survive infidelity, which is giving me hope.

I am human of course and the betrayals hurt, they really do. I will never understand someone purposely trying to crush another person.

Six months ago I had a terrible bicycle accident where I broke both my arm and leg badly. I am still recovering from that and went through the worst pain I ever felt. I never dreamed that I would end the year with horrific emotional pain as well.

Well hell! I'm sorry that 2023 has been such a shitty year and that life has been hard. Physical trauma as we age definitely is different than when we are young.
Conversely I do believe our ability to overcome emotional trauma improves. We have many past experiences and just life to reflect back on and know how to be good to ourselves. Be kind to you. Do what you need to keep yourself the priority and do not compromise. You deserve to be happy and loved. Even if it is you that has to make that happen.

Thank you tushnurse, nice to hear from you. Yeah, it’s pretty bad. Thankfully I will fully recover physically.

I know I will recover emotionally as well. It just sucks big time.

Thank you tushnurse, nice to hear from you. Yeah, it’s pretty bad. Thankfully I will fully recover physically.

I know I will recover emotionally as well. It just sucks big time.

Sorry you have need to be here again.

I do want to gently point one thing out:
You don’t ask for a divorce – you DO divorce.

Like you can ask him to leave, and he can refuse. In fact – until you actually legally file he can be disgruntled about your new account – just like you are 100% rightly unhappy with his secret 401k withdrawal. (Of course comparing the former to the later is like comparing a miniscule scratch on the paintwork to a full-blown fender-bender).

If you have reached your limit then DO divorce. Like google your rights and the correct procedure, contact an attorney. File. You can keep him updated, but you do and act and don’t wait for him to respond or to act. Don’t wait or expect him to help with the process. It’s better if done amicably, but the goal is to get it done.

Sorry you had to return.

Wishing you healing as you go through this difficult time.

Sorry to hear this, but now you can finally move on from this nightmare. I know how hard it is to let go of them when they're so damaged, but we damage ourselves if we stay.

Big hugs!

I have contacted an attorney, a good one and I believe she is filing tomorrow, or shortly thereafter. I feel good about her getting me everything possible. I for sure and DOING the D -

It’s hard to imagine choosing cheating and lying and financial ruin over happiness and peace isn’t it?
I think life in general is hard enough without brining all that on oneself and partner.

Thank goodness I learned so much here and know it doesn’t have anything to do with me. All the smoke screens he put up were to mask his double life.

Thanks for the encouraging words!

I remember you also, PinkJeepLady. Your dday was about a year after mine. I'm sorry you have this emotional and legal situation in addition to the physical injuries you have had so recently.

You knew where to turn. You sound resolved to see this through. Hopefully, he will not throw any roadblocks at your effort. I hope both kinds of pain lessen soon. Keep us posted?

I am glad I do know where to turn! This is where I learned the truth about infidelity and addictive behaviors.

WH is truly backed into a corner, from his choices, and is attempting some roadblocks, trying to cut me off our joint account and here’s a petty one - changing the Amazon password.

My lawyer is good and he will regret this nonsense in the long run. I am just playing it steady and calm as possible right now. I view him as a very sad, troubled person who continually self sabotages. It’s heartbreaking to see but I know I have done all I can. He is attempting to throw up a smokescreen of "we grew apart" to hide his bad behavior.

The main thing for me is I know I will not only survive but go on to have a terrific life. I have a lot of positives going for me.

So glad to have all your support!

Well there is one, "old timer," that remembers you being supportive way back when

I don't know what to say . . . addiction is tough. I've dealt with addicts my whole life.
Look, addicts in the throes of addiction will lash out at anything that threatens their supply. Hence his anger at you holding him accountable.

I know you've done the work and I know you will be ok, but I am sure it still hurts.

Right now I think it might be good to get the old IC's card dusted off and make an appointment. You have to get the emotional part worked through. The lies after showing that much grace must be soul crushing.

You've done what you can, but you need to look out for yourself. Loans you did not know about? If you are that close to retirement he is directly jeopardizing your future.You know what? Money isn't everything, but it makes life a heck of a lot easier.

Again, you got this, yet you need some time to mourn the M you gave so much to over the years. You did not fail. Your Stbxh did not take the responsibility to do the work.

What worked for you after Dday 1? It is likely to help you again. Play to those strengths.

I know this is terrible, but what we always said back then that healing is knowing that you will be ok regardless of what happens in your M. That's the ideal . . . If you aren't there yet that is 100% ok too. We all have our own timelines on healing.

I am really sorry. I have spent some of the past decade fearing what you are living right now . . I am so sorry.

Hugs,prayers,healing,hope sent through the "Interwebs."

Oh my goodness - thanks for those words numb and dumb - I remember you too.

I appreciate all the advice because as we all know sometimes we forgot simple things like scheduling my an IC session.

I had the fear in the back of my mind all these years too, but thought I was being paranoid. One thing for me is to wrap my mind around how stupid WH is being. An otherwise intelligent man is so hard to grasp.

I remember you joining PJL. I think you've been given some excellent advice, and I'm sure your decade of involvement here on SI has imparted the tools you need to get through this. Take care of yourself, especially with the holidays and the sentiments that they can invoke. Keep posting. We'll keep supporting.

It’s so hard of course but I am feeling peace as I move forward. I saw the divorce papers yesterday and when I saw all the mess and destruction WH has caused in black and white it really got to me.

WH is still here in the basement staying clear of me. Some things are funny, like when he was mad I opened my own bank account. I wanted to say and the next thing you know women will be able to vote! Non of his BS is going to work.

I saw on my phone that he sat in a parking lot near our house for 2 hours on his way home from
Work. I feel detached and actually hope he gets the help he needs. That part is so sad too. He seems to be an empty shell. Living a double life catches up with a person in a tragic way.

I am staying afloat from all the support I am getting. Oh sure - I cry, especially at night but feel such a relief that everything is out on the table. I am sure he has hid other things over the past 11 years, but I have no desire to do any more checking. I am too busy living a terrific life!