Hi there. I didn't see a Stop Sign so I'll chime in. Keep in mind I am the BS of a LTA. But this is the Wayward Forum so I'm not allowed to swing a 2x4. So please keep reading.
I'm the survivor of a total 4.5 year LTA (3 before I knew and 1.5 they went underground). My DDay 1 was in 2017. I've BTDT so to speak.
For the first 4-6 months after DDay I barely knew my name. I was on autopilot. I knew I needed help but was resentful of having to get it. I was trying to hold down a job, household, unruly out of control teen (who discovered and informed of the LTA) and now this. It was a few more months before I went to an IC - and again was resentful of having to do so. I was too raw for anything to sink in. Years later I went to IC again and found it a huge help. The lens of time is a beautiful thing in many ways.
In the beginning shortly after DDay 1, WH would say things like he didn't see it helping, and if I wasn't better he should really just leave - and was questioning our relationship all together. I lost it there. And told him if he wanted out - there was the door. But don't be a coward and turn it on me. I also said he had [then] 3 years to F things up and I've [at the time] barely 3 months to process the unthinkable. Trust me - it wasn't spoken that clear and had quite a few expletives. But there it was all laid out. Stay or go - but don't turn it on me.
There was a lot of fits and starts - there was a lot of HB [hysterical bonding]. Good days and bad. Good moments that could turn on a dime and then back again. There was a roller coaster of emotion I never want to ride again.
I know you are new here as well. I'll be gentle here. But I hear a lot of "I" in your post/responses. I hear little of your BH and when I do, I get frustration that he's "not over it" yet and what he's "not doing to help himself". Gently - this is the equivalent of you stabbing him full of holes and getting mad at him for bleeding.
He needs time. Lots of it. He needs patience and understanding. He needs openness, honesty and transparency. And right now he doesn't know how to sort any of that out let alone put it in words. If you were to ask him - all he'd probably be able to aciculate is "I need this not to have happened"
I will also gently say - withholding any information is not protecting him from anything. It is further hurting him - he just hasn't felt the cut yet. But withholding information is making things worse. He needs the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. You can't heal a wound properly if you don't know what caused it. It will hurt and probably hurt worse than knowing it all up front. But truth comes out and must be dealt with. Even the unpleasant truth. No one deserves to live a lie. I will also gently say - he is probably aware that there is more to the story. And knows something is missing. He may not be able to put it in words [at least civil ones right now]. But deep down, he knows. OR at least suspects.
suddenlyisee said this and it resonates -
I know this is scary - but there’s only one way forward in which both of you are able to heal. Schedule a couple’ counselor. Tell him you need him to come because you’re going to tell him EVERYTHING and then do that. Everything. Be AUTHENTIC and get it all out for the first time in your life. Then tell him you want to fix it and cry your eyes out. Tell him you hope he can stay - but that you’re going to fix yourself even if he doesn’t. Tell him you understand if he hates you, but that you hope you can show him you can do better and be better. Tell him you love him and you’re sorry - but stop the bs of minimizing and deflecting and avoiding. It’s a dead-end shortcut to nowhere. You have to work through it eventually - and so does he. Face it while you’re so close to this opportunity.
You say:
I'm sorry I worded my post in a way that makes it seem as though I want an easy way out, I just want to stop wanting to die and my relationship is affecting that.
Please - know you are worth living for. I know your world and relationship are in a major upheaval but please - do not consider your demise a way out. Apologies if I am reading too much into this but I'd rather that than saying nothing.
I can say I'm 6 years from DDAy1, 4.5 years from DDays 2/3 and 2.5 years from where we had to send LTAP a cease and desist for stalking/cyberstalking/trying to duplicate our lives. I can say WH and I are in a good place. I will probably always think of is as Reconciling as opposed to Reconciled. But I can say we just celebrated 30 years together and are looking forward to our future years. I can tell you I put in a LOT of hard work I resented because my world was blown up but can also tell you I was worth it.
D or R - it isn't easy. For BS and WS alike [I've learned that on my years on SI]. The healing each must do is very hard. And involved a lot of work.
Please keep coming here and posting. You will get a lot of collective wisdom.