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Newest Member: chickenchicken

Divorce/Separation :
Getting Angry

Topic is Sleeping.
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 ANewPerson (original poster member #83728) posted at 9:47 PM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023

I've been getting angry at my STBXWW. We're no contact, this is internalized. I think about her treatment of me, from the infidelity, years of lying, false R, neglect and absenteeism from the marriage. The years of DARVO, over and over in that infinite loop leaving me somehow the responsible party. Her responsibility? She said she was sorry, now why can't I be a better man? I'm angry at myself for allowing the abuse, for not calling out the red flags when I first saw them. I could have saved myself at least a decade if I'd confronted her earlier.

After filing, anyone else get this rush of anger? It's not the take action kind of anger, it's a falling away of all the excuses, minimizations, and manipulation. While I lived with her lies, I didn't get a clear image of her as the unrepentant cheater that she truly is now and, likely, will always be. And so now, unmasked, I'm mad at her. She was awful, truly an awful person, and now she's an awful person taking me for what she can financially. I don't need to speak to her about how I feel, I've turned that corner.

The anger has given me fuel to think about my boundaries, where I failed to address my own boundaries, and where I couldn't have known they were being crossed and forgive myself. Now that I see her more clearly, I can see myself more clearly. I don't want any more IC, but I will likely need to talk this out with someone. I'm hoping this is a new stage and one that passes quickly. I am so fed up with all things past.

BH 54 Divorcing

posts: 55   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2023   ·   location: Heartland USA.
id 8807677
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 10:20 PM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023

Oh yes I got it too. I think it's a normal part of the D process honestly.

The anger has given me fuel to think about my boundaries, where I failed to address my own boundaries, and where I couldn't have known they were being crossed and forgive myself.

That right there is why this anger is useful. Use it to teach you and to make sure that you honor your boundaries going forward. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Hang in there - once the D dust settles life gets pretty sweet!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3914   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: Louisiana
id 8807685
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kiwilee ( member #10426) posted at 3:44 AM on Thursday, September 14th, 2023

It seems like your anger is giving you clarity and reenforcing boundaries. It's not misdirected, but helping you understand what you do and do not want in a partner. It's useful. just dont be hard on yourself.

I get that you want all things in the past to stay there. However you may still be going through the grieving process even if you dont have feelings for EX. This may be a stage in process to cycle through to cleanse and heal.

Let it be and embrace it. It too will pass through you.

posts: 663   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2006
id 8807727
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 ANewPerson (original poster member #83728) posted at 11:04 PM on Thursday, September 14th, 2023

Trying to embrace it. Any thoughts I have about the past I just grow impatient now. But I'm seeing now there are stages, and different people take different time at each stage. I'll try to take what time I need.

BH 54 Divorcing

posts: 55   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2023   ·   location: Heartland USA.
id 8807849
Topic is Sleeping.
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