SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know this isn't a site for alcoholics or people with drinking problems, but I don't really know where else to share this, and I'm just feeling very low today.

Short backstory is that from roughly age 17-21 I drank a lot on a daily basis, and if you've ever watched Euphoria, that gives you a decent idea of all the drugs, drinking, promiscuity and just general chaos that was my life during that time. At 21 I got pregnant, got married to FWS, and had a baby just after turning 22. I pretty much got myself together, and I could go long stretches without drinking, but any time I would drink again, I would totally lose control and be a hungover mess for the next day or so.

When I was 27, we went on a long weekend family vacation. I got incredibly drunk with cousins that Saturday night, and spent all day Sunday throwing up, unable to spent time and do anything with my kiddo. I was completely embarrassed, and vowed that I would never get drunk like that again.

That was 7/20/2014.

Since then, I've still struggled. I try not to drink, because it's easier not to. I can go long stretches without drinking, and then there'll be an occasion where I have one or two drinks, and it's just miserable, as I spend the rest of the evening mentally arguing with myself about whether or not I can or should drink more, so it's not fun.

I generally don't put myself in situations where I'll be tempted to drink, and I'm okay with it, because I love being a mom and I love feeling good, and I don't want to be a hungover mess that can't take care of my kids.

Welp. I fucked up on Saturday night. One of my best friends was in town, and instead of cutting myself off at two drinks, I just kept going. It wasn't worth it. I don't remember a good portion of the night, the parts I do remember are embarrassing, and I spent all day yesterday in bed, throwing up. I still feel awful today. My stomach still hurts. My chest, back and neck hurt. I'm not sure if it's something I did on Saturday night or from throwing up so much. I just feel gross and achy physically, still, plus just... sad.

I really thought that I would never allow myself to get that drunk ever again, and I went nine years. And... now it just brings up all those old feelings and terrible memories.

This is all compounded by the fact that most of the people in my life are of the opinion that I should be able to just have one or two drinks, and if you drink too much every once in a while and have a hangover it's no big deal, and they don't seem to remember that before I became a mom and more or less got my shit together, I was a mess. Like, either drunk or hungover 24/7, covered in bruised and injuries, totally broke, put myself in sketchy situations where bad things happened, etc. etc. They also don't seem to comprehend that having just one or two drinks is not fun, because I'm not going to be present for the rest of the evening, I'm just going to be thinking about how much I want to keep drinking and how hard it is to cut myself off.

I think part of the problem is that part of me feels like I can't say I'm an alcoholic or have a real problem because I've pretty much been able to keep myself in check for the last nine year (albeit with great frustration), but... maybe I am, because when I rationalized that it was okay to go past two on Saturday, since my friend was visiting, I didn't stop at three drinks. I think I stopped at eight, but that also might just be the last one I remember, and I only stopped myself because I started throwing up.

Anyways. I feel like a piece of shit, and like I was a shitty mom this weekend. I wish I could drink and be normal. I wish I could have one or two drinks and it be no big deal and be easy peasy to stop and not be craving it for the rest of the night. I wish I could just not want to drink. I wish it was easy peasy to not want to drink at all.

And for the last nine years, I really did believe that I would never let myself feel this sick and shitty again, and yet...

Here I am. I knew what that third drink would do, and I actually had myself convinced that because I hadn't drank in excess in so long, I would be fine the next day, and the universe was going to throw me a "get out of hangover free" pass. Like... that makes any sense at all. But man, I thought I had a shot at it as I drank drinks #3 and #4. And how quickly I went back to hiding it! I asked my friend and FWS to both get me a drink at one point, and they both did, but I was able to drink them so quickly that neither realized I had another drink brought by the other one.

So... that's it. Hoping tomorrow my body feels better. Hoping this time it doesn't stick for 9+ years, but that this is really, truly, the last time I poison myself like this.

And... debating if I should look up some sort of meetings in my area. AA seems scary. I still feel like a fraud in some ways, because I was able to go so long without being like this... but the moment I gave myself permission to have "just one more," it was over. Because I can drink, or I can not drink, but as many times as I've tried, I've never been able to enjoy drinking in moderation.

Thanks for anyone that made it this far. No 2x4, please. I don't think I can handle any at the moment.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 3:41 AM, Tuesday, August 15th]

I'm sorry you had a slip ibonnie. On the plus side, if you take time to care for yourself and return to the plans you had to keep yourself sober that worked for the past nine years you can use this as a learning experience of, "Yep, that is still a problem" and not have a full blown relapse. Better to have a fall and hurt your knee slightly (slip) versus saying "screw it" and refusing to get back up while rolling in the mud (relapse) right?

As to the people who nag you about not being able to have 1-2, why not tell them you've figured out you have an allergy to alcohol? Every time you drink it makes you feel awful!

Hoping you feel better tomorrow.

I don't have a drinking problem. When I drink, though, I usually get bright red (my face and my chest) and hot, and I just really don't care for the way I look and feel when I drink, plus it just flows through me and I'm peeing every 5 minutes so I miss whatever is going on. For those reasons, I just choose not to drink. It's not a big deal to me. However, as you said, it seems to be a big deal to everyone else. Not sure why it should even matter to them. Sometimes someone will say to me "you never seem to drink alcohol" and I think they're trying to ask if I'm an alcoholic. I just say no, I don't, I just don't really enjoy it. No one should have to justify it. I also don't smoke, yet no one seems to feel that we should justify that choice. I'm also an oddball that doesn't drink coffee or tea. People seem to be mortified by that! I'm always having to say um, I just don't like hot drinks. Is that the end of the world or something?

I don't know if you have a problem. Not my call to make. But it sure sounds like you don't like what happens when you do drink.

I wish I could drink and be normal.

Here's what I think. Not drinking IS normal. No one HAS to drink alcohol to live. If it doesn't add to your life, don't do it. It sounds like you've determined that it doesn't add to yours.

ibonnie, don't beat yourself up. We all struggle with something. The important thing is you recognize the problem and have worked on it. That shows incredible strength. You had a slip up but sound determined to safeguard yourself for the future.

"I just choose not to drink. It's not a big deal to me. However, as you said, it seems to be a big deal to everyone else."

This is also my experience. Some people make me feel like an outsider and no fun because I won't drink. I'm fine with others drinking and do have fun until the comments start.

It is perfectly normal to not drink. Do what you're comfortable with and what makes you happy.

I’m not an alcoholic but I have a surprising number of friends and family that are…
I actually don’t think it’s a higher ratio than most, only I just recognize it and acknowledge it.

A problem with alcoholism is that we think it applies to that uncle that nobody want to family dinners because he usually ends up insulting everyone and pisses himself when finally passed out on the couch. We think of people living in cardboard boxes. We think unemployed or homeless. A better definition is simply that if you consume alcohol despite knowing it will create more negativity than pleasure then you are an alcoholic… Frequency and quantity don’t really matter.
My wifes best friend is an alcoholic. She experienced that if she drank – even if it was only 1-2 x a year – the chances are she would drink to a blackout stage and wake up beside men that were not her husband. She could abstain for years, yet this would/could happen. She is now a teetotaler (and divorced).

I think your problem might be twofold:
One is that you don’t acknowledge you are an alcoholic. Well… based solely on what YOU share you are IMHO.
Second is this:

…most of the people in my life are of the opinion that I should be able to just have one or two drinks,

It’s the company you keep and the advice you listen to.

I’m going to suggest something so easy, so harmless and yet the potential to be SO HELPFUL.

Go to an AA meeting.
Commit to going to 5 meetings.

You don’t have to share. Don’t have to say anything. Just go.
Be around people that are willing to recognize you as an alcoholic and therefore won’t try to convince you that one Chablis is OK.
Just go and listen.

If possible then ask if there is a group more in your zone – your gender, your age. If not then just go with what is offered.
Be prepared to accept a sponsor.
Be prepared and open to 12 step. It’s something that I personally have gone through despite not being an addict. It’s just such a powerful self-healing process.

ibonnie, I'm sorry you feel like crap.

I can somewhat relate. I used to be a smoker. I quit when I was about 40. When my dad died of lung cancer, I swore I'd never smoke again. My whole family smokes or vapes. I started taking hits off of their vapes, and then I bought my own to "only use when I went out." That morphed into smoking every night, and then to having it on my desk during the day. It makes me feel like shit, but I can't seem to stop. I even threw my vapes in the pool so that I couldn't use them, then bought another one. Sigh. I'm working on it, but it's difficult.

Anyway. Do you think you'd feel comfortable trying an online AA meeting?

Although a good idea and online AA beats no AA I encourage you to attend a in-person AA meeting.
The later A = anonymous so there is no real risk of being outed. Who knows – sitting next to you might be your local pastor Bob, sitting beside Suzy the stripper, whose talking to Eve the ideal housewife that you never thought downed a bottle of sherry before lunch.

AA, NA or S.M.A.R.T. Try each and find one that resonates with you. Continue to go and dig into yourself. Figure out what mind trick is allowing you to fool yourself into thinking you should be able to have one or two drinks.

You are saying out loud that you know that you want to be the person you are when you don't drink. Find some tools / people to help you be that way.

Although a good idea and online AA beats no AA I encourage you to attend a in-person AA meeting.

Totally agree. ibonnie said AA seems scary, so I thought an online meeting might be a good way to ease gently into it. She's comfortable sharing here, so it might be easier to start sharing online there, too. Either way, I think you'll find that you'll be welcomed, bonnie.

The other option from AA is to consider IC w/ a therapist that is trained in addiction/substance abuse. Your inability to control beyond a set limit definitely rings true that there is an issue, is there a family history of substance abuse, or addiction, there often is. That can be part of the battle w/ getting ok with saying never again is ok.

There may be trauma that you need to deal w/ to help you be ok with not partaking ever again. It's ok. Like Bigger mentioned the benefit of AA and doing the steps can be to help you navigate your trauma and heal yourself.

I'm sorry you are struggling, but don't beat yourself up.

You can always just tell your friends that someone has to get their drunken butts home safely!

Honestly what happened to you this time is really the best thing possible-from what I’ve learned visiting AA meetings. If you had 2 drinks and stopped your mind would tell you that you can drink. Now you know it’s a chemical reaction in your body to alcohol, and the first drink is the drink to be avoided. Lesson learned.
Definitely visit AA and listen. An AA Open meeting anyone can attend, so there will be a variety of people there, many to get info. A closed meeting is for people who for sure want the help for themselves.
All walks of life are there-business exec, stay home moms, teachers, nurses, you’ll be surprised. You can also look up a Speakers meeting-it’s where someone talks about what brought them to AA.
Just as I got to Weight Watchers to eat healthy and take care of me, so AA helps people to care for themselves by staying sober and truly living -one day at a time.

If you feel the need to count drinks or obsess over whether you should have one or not, there's definitely a problem there. Ask me how I know.

I highly recommend AA as well. Also, purchase what is known as The Big Book, which you can get at just about any meeting for a nominal cost. The stories in it are harrowing but inspiring. My copy is from the '90s and very well-worn and I still pull it down from the shelf on a regular basis, especially to read all the notes I scribbled in the margins.

Binge-drinking is a type of alcoholism. Not being able to stop is a type of alcoholism.

It's not a moral failing. It may not be a disease. It may just be that your body chemistry and alcohol don't mix - that, too, is very difficult for some of us to deal with.

Why put yourself through the stress of white-knuckling? Check out AA and/or addiction therapy.

Thank you all for the support. Truly. I've read and re-read the replies many times this past week. I physically felt all better by Tuesday. Mentally/emotionally, I feel kinda sad still.

I think part of me was really hoping that I could let lose and have it be no big deal, and like... prove that I could "drink normally" again (although binge drinking on an almost daily basis is obv. not healthy), and clearly I cannot. I recognize that, for me, I can either drink or not drink, but I'm not able to drink in moderation.

There's a good/funny/poignant Craig Ferguson monolog that you can look up on YouTube where he talks about his alcoholism, and (paraphrasing, so forgive me if I misquote it) he talks about being sober for many, many years and then says, "I don't have a drinking problem, but I can get one real quick," which really resonated with me.

Bigger, I can relate to your wife's friend (minus infidelity on my part, thankfully). Sounds like me from 22-27. My life was better these past nine years without getting blackout drunk.

JasonCh, thank you for the recommendations, I've never heard of S.M.A.R.T. before, but I'm looking at all options (including AA) in my area.

SacredSoul33 & tushnurse, IRL I'm quite shy, so in person meetings do seem a bit daunting. I might try online first, or look into therapy (which I have done before and am comfortable with). And yes, there is a family history. My dad is 100% a teetotaler, because his family was full of alcoholics. My mother is normal in the sense that she has a glass of wine occasionally at restaurants and it's not an issue for her to only have one.

You can always just tell your friends that someone has to get their drunken butts home safely!

The good(/bad) part of living in NYC is that bars stay open til 4AM, you can always find a bodega open 24 hours to buy beer, subways run 24/7, and if I wanted to, I could walk to a dozen different places to go drink.

homewrecked2011 & SkipThumelue

If you had 2 drinks and stopped your mind would tell you that you can drink.

If you feel the need to count drinks or obsess over whether you should have one or not, there's definitely a problem there.

I feel like over the past nine years, I've been very, very good about not drinking, and then sometimes I would have one, and on rarer occasions two, and once I did that, I would spend the rest of the evening mentally debating if I could drink more, and basically ruining the rest of the evening until I could go home and get in bed, because I would just be fixated and grumpy trying to keep myself in check at that point. But somewhere along the way, or maybe just on Saturday night, I gave myself the go ahead to have "just a couple," and then all bets were off, so... yeah. I do think I have a problem. And I think I was a little in denial these past years, but I feel like I can't deny anymore that I really can't control myself when I start drinking.

Binge-drinking is a type of alcoholism. Not being able to stop is a type of alcoholism.

It's not a moral failing. It may not be a disease. It may just be that your body chemistry and alcohol don't mix - that, too, is very difficult for some of us to deal with.

Why put yourself through the stress of white-knuckling? Check out AA and/or addiction therapy.

Honestly sisoon, thank you for being so blunt. For years I had all sorts of "rules" in place so I could'nt possibly be an alcoholic. Like, I never drank alone, so I wasn't an alcoholic. Ignoring the fact that I would hang out with anyone available that would drink with me, and bartenders count as someone. Or, I never drank during the day, so it wasn't a problem, because I could wait until nightime. Ignoring the fact that I would start drinking as soon as it got dark out every day. I could go on and on with my mental gymnastics.

I feel like logically I understand that my life is better as a teetotaler, but I just feel... messed up after this past weekened. Almost like wayward thinking, maybe? When I drink, I keep drinking because I hit this point of euphoria. That usually coincidences with blacking out, but I don't know how else to describe the feeling other than it feels like the best feeling in the whole world. It feels all encompassing and warm and numb and just like pleasant nothingness.

Part of me has felt really sad this week knowing that I can't feel like that again, even though I recognize that it's not worth it, but I just feel sad when I think about it. As years went by without getting blackout drunk, it sort of felt easier not to do it, except I did, and now here I am struggling again. I guess this is what a relapse feels like.

Anyways... this isn't an addiction forum, so I'm going to take my ramblings elsewhere, but thank you all again for the support. I really needed it this past week. ♡

[This message edited by ibonnie at 6:10 AM, Sunday, August 20th]

Hi ibonnie, first of you are awesome. You have always impressed me with your honesty and insights.

Lots of good and sincere advice.

AA is a tool you can use to be the best mom you can be. Make this an amazing restart. You showed up here. Follow AA practices, your friends will respect your choice.

Do what is right for you.

Hugs

My mom raised me and my sister pretty much by herself, held down very high paying professional jobs, drove nice vehicles and lived in nice homes, paid her bills on time, cooked and cleaned, etc etc etc. Even tho she did all the things didn't mean she wasn't an alcoholic too. She drank nearly every day, but only in the evenings for the most part. For years it was just a thing she did where'd she'd get tipsy. In my teen years that changed. It started not being tipsy but instead being drunk (and I mean falling down, passing out drunk), it started not just being in the evenings, especially on weekends when she often started drinking at noon, or 11am, or 10am. It was under control... until it wasn't.

Her last night of drinking was horrible. And I finally had enough of making excuses for her drunken bullshit. I told her that she was free to continue drinking, but I would no longer be around her if that was what she chose to do. Thankfully, me setting that boundary and finally knowing I meant it is what prompted her to attend her first AA meeting. She's been sober for over 10 years now. After a year or so when it came time for her to share her story, she was so nervous to do it. I asked her why and her response was "It's just that my story isn't super dramatic like everyone else's. I still have my family, I never wound up homeless or got into a bad wreck and got DUI's, I never ended up in jail because of my drinking. I'm just not sure how much value my story adds." I told her that she absolutely needed to share her story because she never knew who it would resonate with. And it DID resonate hugely, I believe precisely because her story was different than a lot of other ones.

All of that said, I commend you for sharing your story here. That took courage to do.

Here's my thoughts as an adult child of an alcoholic. I believe you are an alcoholic. Just like my mom's story wasn't like others, not all alcoholics drink the same. Some drink and drive and get multiple DUI's while some drive nice cars that are dent free. Some get fired from every job they have while some hold down good jobs with no issue. Some drink every single day while some (like you) can go years and years and not have any issues.... until they do.

There's no shame in admitting you're an alcoholic. There's no shame in finding and trying some meetings (side note that AA absolutely saved my mom's life - had she not had the courage to go I know I would've buried her in the last ten years). There's no shame in not being the same kind of alcoholic as someone else. It would be a shame if you didn't do what you could to get sober because I think that you deserve to live a sober life with the peace and calm that sobriety brings. I think that you deserve it and that your kids deserve it too.

PM me if you like - while I can't necessarily relate to drinking (though I absolutely have my own addictions as well, just that alcohol isn't one of them for me), I can share a lot of insight on what it is/was to be a child of an addict.

Sending you hugs and strength ibonnie!

Anyways... this isn't an addiction forum, so I'm going to take my ramblings elsewhere, but thank you all again for the support. I really needed it this past week. ♡

THIS Forum is exactly the place to write about what happened . Thank you so much for honoring us with this personal aspect of your life (((HUGS))).

If I am understanding correctly...when you had your Dday...you did NOT turn to drinking...correct?! One of the FIRST things I did was get drunk...I just wanted to numb everything. But YOU didn't. I think that is pretty AWESOME!!

One FACT of life is that we ALL will make BAD choices. It is what we DO after those choices that shows our character. Did you also do drugs and be promiscuous like you had in the past??? No? Then...PROGRESS ! Your character is SHINING .

You now KNOW more than you did before Saturday. Knowledge is POWER...and you have shown great power before Dear Lady! When you look at the rest of your life having to go without drinking...I bet it looks very daunting. What if the rest of your life...was just TODAY?

Another FACT of life is that NONE of us know when we will take our last breath on Earth. But we are all here TODAY . For TODAY...you can go without drinking. You have done it before...so it is easy peasy . You MIGHT get sloppy ass drunk TOMORROW...but for TODAY...you are GOOD !

Here's to a WONDERFUL sober day for you...TODAY .

Thinking if you iBonnie. Big hug

Sending ((virtual hugs))

I currently choose friends who want the best for me, and I highly recommend it.

I don’t encourage my diabetic friends to eat things they choose not to. I offer wheat-free and keto things to friends who eat those sorts of things. So naturally if I have a friend who shared with me they have an issue with alcohol or choose not to drink… well then we are drinking pop or iced tea at my table…or there is a nice little mocktail bar that I heard is opening up next week.

The only 2 x 4 s I am swinging is verbally in the direction of people who are small-minded jerks about any decisions others make about their well-being. I do wish the kind of people who encourage others to drink would learn better and do better about the kinds of things they say to people they claim to care about.

I wish you continued sobriety and healing.