SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry about the long post. Wanted to provide sufficient background.

DDay 1 - March 2021:
I found out that my husband had a physical and emotional affair for 4 months. Physical acts stopped at making out. AP and OBS were our friends for many years - much closer to WH.

March 2021 to early October 2022:
WH was very sorry and wanted a chance to rebuild. We decided to work on healing and the marriage. He agreed to NC which was implemented immediately on DDay-1. He gave me access to his phone whenever. I checked it once in while but did not obsess over it. He messaged me everywhere he went. I was a mess at the start and my emotions were all over the place but overtime, I was getting a little better. There was not much progress in the marriage. At the beginning, he appeared very remorseful but over time he seemed to lose interest, patience and initiative. He kept saying he is trying and is drained. Work was also busy. He did a few IC sessions on and off. On physical intimacy, it stopped at hugs and cuddles. He never kissed me since DDay 1. I initiated intimacy (kissing and beyond) once in Dec-2021 but he said he felt awkward the morning after. He asked for a divorce in Jul-2022 and confessed he still has feelings/ in love with AP and is unable to be physically or emotionally intimate with me due to that. I asked if we could try MC as one last shot as I thought maybe I should have put in more effort in R. He agreed and we were in weekly MC in Aug and Sep-2022. Things seemed to slowly get better as we were finally able to have vulnerable conversations and talk through major communication issues in our marriage during MC.

DDay 2 - early October 2022:
I got to know from OBS that NC was broken in April 2021 (within one month from DDay 1). I confronted WH and he confessed that he met AP several times since April-2021, resumed getting physically involved in Oct-2021 and finally broke it off early Aug-2022 before our first MC session. WH went out with AP to wineries, the beach and dinner a couple of times. Physical acts escalated to sex and they had sex close to 10 times in AP’s car. WH said he did not have the guts to tell me all this in Jul-2022 when he asked for divorce as it would destroy me.

Current living situation:
After DDay 2, I asked for space and WH has been living in a hotel since. I have been trying to follow 180 and cocoon myself as advised in this forum.

WH’s behavior since DDay 2 (Oct 2022)
There has been a sudden shift in WH behavior since DDay 2. He said a big burden of guilt was lifted off from him and he says he has so much clarity on what to do next.
- He is taking full accountability. He says he no longer has any feelings for AP. I have questioned him multiple times as it is hard for me to believe. He is so clear about this and says he wants to be with me
- He is going to IC every week. He has been attending CoDa meetings
- He shares his live location on iPhone
- He lets me know about his whereabouts
- He says he has stopped all contact with AP
- We are visiting his parents and mine in Dec-2022 (pre-planned trip) and he is willing to tell everything to his parents and mine - as I am unable to act normal. Even if my decision is to stay or leave
- He did STD testing as I asked him (not that there has been any physical intimacy whatsoever between us)
- He is so thankful that I suggested MC as he started to realize what he needs to do and then I posted on this forum, after which he started going to IC seriously
- His communication is more empathetic - no blaming, no defensiveness
- He comes home about 1-2 times a week to do his laundry and while here he cleans the whole house and other logistical things etc
- WH seems to sincerely want to be a changed man and says he is learning a lot about himself at IC. He wants one last chance to do the right thing this time
- He so wishes he had this clarity of mind before

Since DDay-2, WH and I have had a couple of in person chats for me to get more details (pain shopping) and understand his whys. We both feel so very sad that our fun innocent relationship has come down to this. He feels so sorry that I have all this pain from his actions. He cried when he told me that he wants me to be happy whether I choose to be him or not.

My situation right now:
Since DDay 2 - a new list of heightened triggers have been added to my list (breaking NC, repeated sexual intercourse, going out with AP to dinners/winery etc, getting me take out from the same restaurant (heights of his sickness), all this while I thought we were trying to R. I have not even been kissed by him since Mar-2021, while he has been banging someone else. I have some on and off struggles with self-esteem but overall I am financially independent, would consider myself attractive, look much younger for my age, a talented dancer, adventurous and fit person in life - I don’t feel any inferiority complex whatsoever with AP but WH behavior has made a big gaping hole in my own self worth. I don’t know if I ll ever be able to get over this disrespect from him. I started weekly IC this month and slowly working on these issues.

My mind has also been very pendulous lately looking at the work WH has been doing. Everything I wanted him to do and say after DDay 1, he is doing it right now. There are moments during the day where I miss the happy times we spent together, I miss the companionship and the laughs. I miss his presence. But I keep telling myself that the person I miss is dead and WH now is some stranger.

There were serious communication issues in our marriage that we always brushed under the carpet. I had a part to play in them as well and I wish we had worked on it earlier. The thought of finding someone else is tiring to me and scary. So I end up thinking maybe I should give R a try again….but when I think about the details from DDay 2, I am overcome with repulsion and utter disbelief of how someone let alone my own partner can be this cruel. To see me suffering since DDay 1 and yet go behind my back for close to 16 months. I trusted him completely on the NC after DDay 1 and he obliterated it. I didn’t even have a clue. I don’t know how to trust anymore. The thought of living with him makes me feel anxious and unsafe that he will do it again (even though his behavior shows he is completely changed). When I wake up the next morning, the whole pendulous cycle (whether to R or not) starts again.

Did my WH have to really go this low to actually understand the damage he has caused and to finally change? If you are in R after DDay 2, is it really worth it? I am so conflicted about giving R a chance again as I feel I don’t have any self respect if I do so.

You have truly asked the million dollar question: even after seeing the pain and destruction, how could the person I love and trusted double down and, not just continue the deceit, but go even further with the betrayal?

To me, the most heartbreaking part of your post is this:

I asked if we could try MC as one last shot as I thought maybe I should have put in more effort in R.

He let you you think (or led you to think) that YOU needed to put more effort, when, in truth, he was actively working against any effort to reconcile and was actually piling on more betrayal.

This is so hurtful. And I won't judge any decision you make in this situation.

I just want you to know that, if your emotions are a swinging pendulum, that is completely understandable.

I'm an advocate for giving yourself time to gather your emotions and logic and also for giving yourself distance from your spouse while you do this. I think time and distance often leads us to better decisions.

That doesn't mean you can't take any action. Get support from friends and individual counseling. Get your legal and financial ducks in a row either way. It would be okay to plan separate holiday experiences--each with their own family...but that's just a suggestion.

Sadly, he hasn't had your back or your best interests in mind for quite a while. But now you are clear on that.
So, take aggressive care of yourself. You deserve good care.

My support is with you!

I’m so sorry to read that you’ve been through fake R all this time. It sucks. My fake R was 4 months post dday 1 and didn’t escalate to sex again (I am sure it would have eventually) they really believed they were just friends and WH was supporting her through her pain 🙄. WH also confessed to it, I didn’t catch him and that was probably, for me, the biggest thing which enabled me to decide he’s worth yet another chance a few months later.

The reason I told you my story above is that I suddenly realised, on dday 2, that I had a new set of trauma to process. New questions, new information, new betrayal. Facts such as me believing my WH was supporting me but was busy at work and I was crying in toilet cubicles at my work, only to realise he was in meeting rooms with AP supporting her through her pain. And this is just one example.

I don’t want to imagine what it means to have another year and a half of information post dday, sex added to the mix all whilst he put you through lack of affection and divorce demands. He basically DID have his cake and ate it.

I looked at your signature… I didn’t stay for the kids but my kids were a big reason for which I considered another chance post dday 2. You don’t have kids… is it really worth staying?

Ultimately I don’t think any of us have your answers. I think you need to do some counselling to sort out thorough your feelings but needless to say, you deserve so much better.

I don’t feel very qualified to give advice about Dday 2 situations. I’ve always felt instinctively that I would leave if there were a Dday 2 with my husband’s former AP (or with another AP). That said, I could see myself feeling conflicted in your shoes.

Maybe just sit with it for a while until you get some clarity? I think answers usually come to us in time.

In any case, I’m so very sorry you’re dealing with this.

My story is your exact story. Word for word. Action for action.

Only difference is my H told me about the affair on dday1 and he wanted a D. He was kicking me to the curb for the much younger other woman (though he was not honest about the reason for the D but it wasn’t hard to figure out). Typical mid life crisis affair.

Dday2 when I found out he was still cheating I told him I was D him. Not as a threat btw. It was for real. I’d had enough and this was his second affair.

I had a back up plan from dday1. Just in case. Good thing I did.

How did we get to R? I don’t know. My plan was to file for D after the holidays. But I saw some serious changes in him while getting through the holidays. First time I saw empathy from him.

I demanded a post nup agreement and he willingly signed it.

My counselor worked with me to see the positive changes he was making in his own. I never gave my H any guidance or advice during R. I was not leading him down the path and telling him what to do. He had to figure it out on his own.

The first year of R was rough b/c every darn day I thought "I need to D him". Some of it was defense mechanism and some was "I don’t think I love him the same way any more". But I stayed and worked through it. He didn’t give up. Neither did I.

We are happy now. But it’s a different marriage. I’m not a doormat and I put myself first (which I did not do in the past). Game changer for me was knowing I deserved better than a cheater for a H and I stopped making excuses for him and accepting less than what I needed and deserved.

I hope this helps you understand my thought process.

I have not thought he has been cheating in the past 9 years. I’m not stupid to think it can’t happen - I just feel certain it hasn’t. And if it does - I’m leaving. And he knows that.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:53 PM, Monday, November 28th]

It looks like your WS has become a good candidate for R. That's great for both of you - he's on the path to healing himself, and you have a choice of 2 good options.

What do you want? If it's D, that's eminently doable. If you want R, that looks achievable, too.

You can hold your head high either way. There's no 'should' here - you get to choose.