SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I wish I could say this was my first trip to SI. This is now my second go around. The first time was with my ex-husband, he had an affair of a few weeks that I discovered. We tried to work it out but got divorced a few years later. Now I'm back.

I've been with my partner for 8+ years. He travels a lot for work. When he got home from this latest trip, he was acting oddly. He told me it was jetlag (which made sense as he traveled over 4 time zones in 12 days, working 12-14 hour days). Yesterday, he came out of the bedroom and told me (while he was shaking) that he really fucked up. I immediately knew and asked him if he cheated on me and he said yes. He told me he slept with one of his client's contacts (it's a big corporation, and this person is a rep) on the last night of the trip.

I am so overwhelmed right now. Honestly, I think he did it because his business is taking off for the first time and he wants to be unencumbered with responsibilities. Another part of me thinks he just really fucked up. I don't even know what I want.

Before this trip we were building a life together. I bought a home large enough to accommodate his home office (much larger than what I wanted) and renovated for his needs. We were talking about getting married (we are all but married, registered domestic partners and all of the paperwork). And now I feel like I just had the rug pulled out from under me.

And I resent him for telling me. He knows how much my ex's infidelity hurt me. If he wanted out, end our relationship. If you fucked up, deal with it on your own. Don't put this on me. Having gone through this before, I can't help but think about what is wrong with me. The common denominator, after all, is me. It's so fucking humiliating.

Yesterday, after he told me, I went for a bike ride, ran some errands, and cleaned the house. I have a date with a girlfriend today for brunch that I intend to keep. I have my annual well woman exam next week where I now get to ask for a full STI panel. I'm going to start doing the 180 to get me back to me.

God, I forgot how much this hurts.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 3:33 PM, Sunday, September 4th]

And I resent him for telling me. He knows how much my ex's infidelity hurt me. If he wanted out, end our relationship. If you fucked up, deal with it on your own. Don't put this on me. Having gone through this before, I can't help but think about what is wrong with me. The common denominator, after all, is me. It's so fucking humiliating.

I don't think you can put that on yourself. People have a will of their own and we don't have crystal balls to see into the future. You make the best choices you can with the data that's available, and what were you supposed to do after your last WH?.. turtle up and never get involved again? Give yourself a break for not being Miss Cleo, right?

I do think it's a good sign that he couldn't live with it and had to confess. I know that's hard for you because it's so painful, but there IS the need for STI testing and just because you didn't know didn't mean it didn't happen. As bad as it sucks, he has returned your agency to you and that's not a bad thing under the circumstances. Regardless, you have a right to decide whether this is more than you want to deal with. No cheater is owed a second chance. They know know the potential consequences.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this again.

((hugs))

I feel terrible for you. This may be a cliché opinion of mine but I do believe that spouses that travel regularly for work tend to cheat more than those that don't. Opportunity plus entertaining clients open the door for such activities a little more than those that have a job that doesn't require traveling or entertaining. This is a generalization but I believe does have some merit to it. Nevertheless, where does that leave you?

You don't deserve this crap at all. Your partner knew about your history and how it has devastated you. Of course, any way you wish to approach this is up to you. Throwing his ass out and starting over is certainly understandable. Staying with him has its whole other set of issues. His traveling will continue to be a trigger that you don't need. He has fucked up everything. It's up to him to do everything to save what the two of you had. That may not be enough for you and that is totally understandable. While you have invested in a new home, don't make that a determining factor in keeping the relationship.

Will he cheat again? Hmm. Probably, but he won't tell you next time. The real issue is how in the hell will you ever be able to trust him? Opportunity will always be there in his trips out of town.

This may be a cliché opinion of mine but I do believe that spouses that travel regularly for work tend to cheat more than those that don't. Opportunity plus entertaining clients open the door for such activities a little more than those that have a job that doesn't require traveling or entertaining. This is a generalization but I believe does have some merit to it. Nevertheless, where does that leave you?

^^^I feel the same way, although if there's a will, there's a way. My WH cheated when he traveled, I don't think he would have cheated here because it was too easy to get caught. I traveled with him after D-Day, and the behavior of some of his colleagues was disgusting...too much alcohol, too touchy feely, co-workers missing for a couple of hours.

I'm so sorry he did this to you, I think you really need to take time to examine how you are going to move forward. I can't imagine dealing with this twice.

Find a good IC for yourself to help you process this betrayal.

Hugs....

Mine traveled too. I was with two other people in long relationships that cheated. It's not you, it's not me, I have no clue why they want to blow up their relationships......for some fun. Mine cried and cried when caught, after years of being cocky and hurtful. Said it was over, it wasn't. Not by a long shot. At least he told you. What do you think...do you think he's changed now? Did he say why he chose to be that selfish? I'm sorry, I know it hurts worse than anything. Do not accept anything less than 100% truth.

I don’t know if this was a one time event. Maybe it is but you never know.

When I found out about affair number 2 from my H, I suddenly realized he’s probably cheated on me for years - maybe decades.

For 20 years he traveled both internationally and in US. Weeks at a time. Plenty of opportunity.

I knew he could cheat, I just never thought he would. Now I think very differently. Now I never asked him b/ c what’s the point?

He can lie and say never happened. I have no proof.

He can tell the truth and say never happened but I don’t believe it.

So it’s just hard to know if it’s "once" or more than that. Point is - trust is broken. Damage is done whether once or a thousand "one time".

Hi @hurtbs I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the pain of betrayal again and truly my heart goes out to you. What has happened is not your fault and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. The wrong and poor choices of your ex and your present partner is not a reflection of your worth but only a reflection of their own weakness and inability to make healthy and right choices for the relationship they are in.
I know from my own experience that the days ahead will most likely be a roller coaster of emotions for you but want to encourage you not to rush and make any major decision but take time out for yourself and maybe even consider IC to help you process what has happened.
I think it's good that he felt some remorse and decided to tell you although you would have preferred not to know, so I guess the question is if it was a one-off mistake and one that he really regrets.
Ultimately only you can decide if you want to give him a second chance if he's truly remorse and ready to rebuild the broken trust in your relationship.

I pray the near future brings healing and strength for you and the wisdom for all your decisions. Lots of hugs )))