SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello out there! It's been awhile since I've visited. This place and all of you were absolute life savers when I was going through DDay, limbo and ultimately divorce. I never thought I could make it through and while in the process, I thought it would literally never end. Never thought I would feel better ever again. Now, I'm happily divorced for almost 3 years and all financial issues were resolved about a year ago. Those finalizations brought me more peace than I ever could have imagined.

I spent a lot of time in therapy and I worked really hard on myself. I figured out FOO issues, came to understand my emotional nature so much better and was generally really proud of how far I had come.

So....what's the problem, right??? Okayyyyyy. Going along with my new life. Feeling good enough, smart enough and gosh darn it, people liked me! Then, I met this guy. We'll call him Succubus. Totally my fault. I picked him out of a crowd, made a comment to a friend, and she commenced getting his number for me. Very lame, kinda felt like a high school kid but whatever, things happen sometimes. Sparing you 100 pages of my crappy prose, blah blah blah, you guys know the drill, back and forth, he's in, he's out, a SHIT TON of red flags, therapy? forgot all skills - oh look! a circus has red flags! I love the circus! throw some gasoline and matches in a bag, shake it all up, and here we are....been dating for a little over a year

Succubus is a giant, walking, talking, red flag. He is the poster child for everything 'Not Just Friends' says NOT to do. Interestingly enough, he was the BS in his marriage however, he pursued exactly ZERO therapy and it's very obvious. I find myself creating mental lists of all the things about him that are terrible, horrible, ridiculous, insensitive, hurtful, disrespectful....ok, you get the picture. Obviously he also has some redeeming qualities; I'm not a complete masochist! However, WTF am I doing??? I could go on and on about all the reasons he's screwed up but at the end of the day, it's me! I'm the screwed up one. Why on earth am I choosing to put up with such atrocious behavior and treatment?? He literally sucks all the life and energy from me. I give him everything. I do anything for him. I deserve SOOO much more but here I am settling for Succubus.

I "graduated" from therapy about 2 years ago but reached back out to my IC. We have an appointment for next week to get back to work as I clearly need a tune up. In the meantime though, please help. Mostly just WHY??? What is wrong with me?? Will I ever be normal??? It's like I'm reading directions that say turn left and then I turn right but wonder why I don't reach my destination. Not sure if I'm more frustrated with him for sucking or myself for being an idiot!

First of all, "normal" is a setting on a dryer. I actually get pissed now when people try to call me normal. I've had far too wild a ride to ever want to be normal again. I was never built to be normal - geek in high school (yup, band camp and all!), alcoholic in my 20's (and to this day, but have 17.5 years of sobriety), over-achiever in my 30's - almost died in my 30's too, figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up in my 40's, and finally am the responsible adult of my FOO in my 50's.

I split from my last ex-hubby about a year ago (the one after the XSAWH), and I'm back out there, trying (for reasons that are not always clear to me) again to find a successful relationship. I call my experience with dating a visit to the Island of Broken Misfit Toys Emporium each time I'm out there looking for someone new. It seems every. single. male. out there has issues, and most of them just insist that they came through the bullshit of their lives fine and they didn't need therapy. I really do need to make quickly dumping these succubus types a habit. At first, I was worried that I was doing this. Clearly, something was wrong with me, right? But eventually, I came to see the pattern as something else. And that something is called STANDARDS.

As we plow through all of this shit, we learn stuff. I get better at spotting red flags. We get better at dealing with them. We know we can't fix other people. We prioritize ourselves and our happiness.

So yeah, we may not have great pickers. My last relationship was proof of this. BUT, as soon as I saw the real guy that was under the wonderful man I was dating, he dumped me. And he sucked at it, so I ended up cutting off all contact with him because I was not going to ever try to get a man to love me when he wasn't sure he wanted me ever again. Now he's miserable, and I've moved onto another fabulous relationship.

My point? Don't be too hard on yourself when you find yourself in another crappy relationship. There are a lot of broken toys out there to play with. The challenge is to keep looking until you find someone that's perfect for you, even though he's not a perfect person. (That guy doesn't exist, BTW. Or if he does, he's been happily married to a wonderful woman since his 20's.)

You learned that you're OK on your own, right? You just need to remember that before you make any decisions about your current relationship. But I think you know what you need to do. You'll survive. You've already survived worse!

Your picker is broken. Just as is mine.

Also, E.A. Poe's The Imp of the Perverse. Read it. Remember it.

Seriously though, your picker can be tuned rather easily.

First, every time that you think positively about some negative trait end the thought by listing all of the things that make that trait negative.

Next, think about positive traits and then think about how attractive those traits are and why they are.

Break up with the guy already. You know what to do. Keep moving forward, one step at a time. If you don't want to be confrontational about it, just tell him you need to go back to therapy and youre done. Truth and its easy.

Solar - Thank you! It's always wonderful when I can post craziness and you all get it. I'm trying to go easy on myself for this one but wowza, I really should have known better. I also say that dating now is like being on the Island of Misfit Toys! That for sure makes me a misfit toy as well, but more like the sweet dentist elf vs. the maniacal jack-in-the-box. And yes, I still believe there are "perfect" men out there but agree they've been married for decades to a perfect wife! In the meantime, I'm over here trying to cobble together parts for the least broken toy.

devoted - Broken picker. I was afraid of that. You're right but how do you deal with that? I mean, I will try your suggestions about reframing negative/positive traits but now I'm at a point where I don't trust myself. When this current situation ends, I feel like I don't ever want to try again. I haven't dated a lot post D but every experience has been fairly horrible and/or just all wrong. Succubus is the most substantial relationship I've had not only post D but in my adult life! Well, other than xh but...yeah... I think about the things I do and don't want in a relationship and I know that those things will not be compatible for a lot of folks. No marriage again, no cohabitation for probably another 5-8 years (because of kids) and in my extremely limited experience, the males of the species that I encountered did want those things. I've seen a few posts from people who are single now and content but wondering if finding a partner is in their cards. Not that there's anything wrong with being single and we all know we can do it but just having someone special to share certain things with is missed sometimes. I totally get that and suspect that's where I will be. And thanks for the reading suggestion; looking forward to it!

HT - Why you gotta get me with the direct and accurate advice?? Just kidding! I know you're so right. And I don't want it to be confrontational at all. In a small way, I feel kinda bad about it. I mean, he's going to think this came out of left field. I truly believe he has no idea how terrible he is. He thinks he's a great partner. He's never said it to me in regards to us, but he's shared on multiple occasions that he was a GREAT husband. If I were a betting woman, I'd bet he describes and thinks of himself as a GREAT boyfriend. I suspect his style hasn't changed much since he was married and if so, I understand why that didn't work out. Just very unfortunate his ex chose to exit the relationship the way she did. We don't fight and we have a great time together, very much as he described his relationship with his ex. I'm just in silent emotional misery quite regularly so for me, it has to end.

And just one general comment I thought of....when I was in my 20s and going out, meeting people, etc., I used to think that relationship issues were mostly based on age and immaturity. I always thought how great "older" people had it; secure relationships, no BS, everything just easy and smooth. I look back on poor, naive 20-something me and I want to slap her! Here I am, one of those "older" people, dealing with a man who is damn near 50 years old still acting a fool worse than half the 20-somethings I used to know!! Life sure loves to throw curve balls, doesn't it???

Hey, that was the Island of BROKEN Misfit Toys!

I mean, I know by now that everyone's been through their fair share of shit storms, but why don't people try to get over them in a healthy way? That is what I don't get. But then again, I know I still have blind spots. I just don't know what they are. But when I find one, I try and jump on it and pick it apart to death until I figure out why I do the dysfunctional thing I do and how to stop myself from doing them again. This process annoys the crap out of my best friend, whom I use as my sounding board while I do my self-dissection. In some ways, I feel like I'm just getting the hang of relationships at this age.

One thing - I think you may be surprised at the number of men that are perfectly OK keeping their own domiciles and none-too-eager to saunter down the aisle again. Yes, some of them are players, whom should be avoided at all costs, unless you're looking for a FWB arrangement and you don't have to get emotionally attached. But there are a few decent men out there that have very similar relationship goals that you do. (Read Country Dirt's thread in this forum for proof that this man does indeed exist. He's doing just that, and doesn't worry about the future, and is having a great relationship.)

My son has said something since he was 16, while experiencing his first heartbreak. "The key to happiness is lowering your expectations." At first, I thought that was soooooo sad. But now, I get it. I don't expect that any of my relationships will work out. I have 42 years of anecdotal experience that proves to me that relationships are temporary. So now, I go in with the intention of enjoying the hell out of the infatuation phase. I try to stretch myself emotionally to be a little more vulnerable while refusing to compromise my standards. And I don't sweat it when things don't work out anymore. Most of the time, I take some time to reflect, learn something from the relationship, and move on. (Present circumstances excluded, but I'm not going to go into that.) I've given up on the assumption that there is something implicitly wrong with me, and the vicious inner-speak that tries to tell me just how screwed up I am has quieted way down.

Dating has gotten a lot more fun since I stopped beating the crap out of myself every time it doesn't work out. Who knows? Maybe a miracle will happen, and I'll end up with somebody for years. I no longer expect the miracle, but I'll be damned if I'm going to give up five minutes before it happens.

Meh - normal is boring. Don't ever worry about being "normal".

As for this guy... yeahno. You do already know what to do, and you darn sure know you deserve more and better. So put the misfit toy down (seriously, put it DOWN *slaps hand) and keep on keepin on until you find someone who will treat you the way you need and want. And until you DO find that person - treat yourself the way you need and deserve by not settling for mr red flags over there.

I "graduated" from therapy about 2 years ago but reached back out to my IC. We have an appointment for next week to get back to work as I clearly need a tune up. In the meantime though, please help. Mostly just WHY??? What is wrong with me?? Will I ever be normal??? It's like I'm reading directions that say turn left and then I turn right but wonder why I don't reach my destination. Not sure if I'm more frustrated with him for sucking or myself for being an idiot!

You're certainly not an idiot. And it takes guts to keep trying. Be patient with yourself. I'm a frog to my former spouse, but I'm a best friend and dam good one to a lot a great people. I keep putting my toe in the water, and so far have not met my match. But I'm not giving up, nor rushing in. No schedule to keep or biological clock ticking. So if it happens that I meet the right person for me, that will be a blessed day. Til then I have fun, go out, dance, laugh, share, trust, and see what happens. And when it's clear to me that it is not working, I have no problem hitting the eject button. I love this Jame Bond car....