SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not sure if anyone else is feeling this….I just keep coming back to the same thoughts and I am hoping someone can relate…advise…

I keep wondering how WH can possibly be « living »…I mean how can he go to work, be living a very active social life ( with new friends and OW) when he has left behind a beautiful amazing family. I know he has zero responsibilities now…he sees our youngest once a week for dinner and has one night sleepover a week ( when it suits him)…eldest three have not and will not see him or speak to him! He has been passive aggressive and manipulative with them and they see right through it all!!! I just keep wondering how he can do this???

Was I that awful that he wouldn’t even consider trying to fix what he had done?!? I know he still doesn’t think he did anything wrong. He has zero remorse. I know I just couldn’t bare to not see or speak to my kids.

I know I’m looking for answers I probably won’t ever get…just having an especially rough night……

I'm sorry you are having a rough time. You've been heard.

Sadly, what he is doing is not unusual and many have experienced the same thing. Doesn't make it any easier for you, but know you are not alone.

Xhole did the same to our family. Kids are all adults now and they have no relationship with their father. Xhole doesn't care. I ran into him at the grocery store a few weeks ago. I mentioned our kids that he never communicates with. He responded that he was simply "honoring their wishes not to communicate." Total BS and a cop out for him.

For what it's worth, years ago he told me he has no conscience and has known that since he was a kid. THAT explained a lot to me at the time, and I believe he is an undiagnosed psychopath. But it took me a while to understand that and slowly put all the puzzle pieces together. He will never have remorse or empathy for what he did to us. Unfortunately, there are many like him out there.

And no, you weren't awful. He was/is. He won't change who he is, even if he is good at fooling others. You now know exactly who he really is since his mask slipped for you. Others still see the good guy mask. Don't let it fool you. If you sit with that, you will see exactly "how" he can do what he does from a practical standpoint, but you may never truly understand logically because you are not wired like him.

Enjoy your kids and leave him in your rear view mirror where he belongs.

I hear you. 10 years ago xh did the same. It’s like he slithered over into another plane of existence. Left our family, my parents, most of his family. Doesn’t care who he hurt. No remorse, nothing.

They are selfish. If you think back he probably crossed the line of respect with you and probably others over and over.

If it’s any consolation to you, my xh now is miserable, I’m told. The OW now wifetress is a total bitch and mentally unstable. He’s verbally abused regularly.

Just a tragic loss all around.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 1:01 AM, July 9th (Friday)]

I understand as well. I ask myself often how can he live another life knowing all he lost or rather walked away from.

They are selfish. If you think back he probably crossed the line of respect with you and probably others over and over.

This has to be true with your stxWH, Breakingapart. His disregard for your children's feelings is cold and callous on a level that was maybe masked, but it had to always be there. Even if someone is not a narcissist, they don't go from being a generous, giving, compassionate parent to cold, dismissive, greedy, selfish, entitled monster over night. He was always selfish and self-centered. As others have said in other threads, he is just showing his true colors now. Most likely excused through mid-life "I deserve to be happy and live for ME now!" thought patterns.

What is shocking to me is that any woman can look at this guy and where/how he spends his money (on vacations, not on his offspring) and think, "What a great guy!!!" Nope. He and OW are freaking birds of a feather. I think they are both very narcissistic people, and I think he's always been this way. Love makes us cover for our partner's selfishness. "I don't mind doing this, that, and the other thing! I love my family!" So we don't notice. Until they let their selfishness run unchecked because the "family man" image wasn't giving them their ego high anymore. Now he wants the "cool, wealthy, accomplished man with the trophy chick" ego boost. Ick! But his need for image = ego was most likely always there.

I am not sure that he was ever the person you created in your mind. That happens. We see people as we want them to be. My hope for you is that you find someone SO much better than him in every way and you leave your ex in your dust.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 8:28 AM, July 9th (Friday)]

Thank you for making me see that I’m not alone in this. I’m still just so blown away by his behaviour and attitude. I hope Karma does her work soon and harshly!

You were never the problem or the cause. You are not to blame for his poor choices.

Any parent that mistreats their children and leaves them behind is a loser of monumental proportions.

He trashed a family - and turned into a selfish jerk. Never was your fault. That is who he chose to be.

I think I also struggle with all of it because he claims to be trying so hard to be in the kids lives. He will text them that he misses them and then send a follow up with statements like « haven’t you been mad for long enough » « don’t you miss me »

He is definitely playing the victim card and sadly for him, I and the kids see right through it.

I don’t doubt he wants them in his life….it’s that he wants them when it’s convenient for his new life. Yes he sees our youngest for what 24-27 hours a week. That is not being a parent. That’s being a « buddy »….

Or he will make statements like…maybe the kids need a new therapist, theirs is obviously not working! WTF!?! As though therapy is a cure for a sickness they have.

It’s all so infuriating!!!!

Thanks for letting me vent and not feel so alone in all of this

That is really rough, especially on the kids. Have you considered counseling for yourself and kids, at least to help work through some of the issues?

You are not alone. My H is very similar to yours. He doesn’t seem to show any remorse for the pain he has caused me and our kids. Says he’s going to change bit is still texting other women and lying. I don’t understand how they can do these type of things too. I just couldn’t imagine hurting my children like that. So sorry your going through this. Y’all are better off without him.

Yes kids and I are both in therapy.

Tomorrow would be our 20th wedding anniversary. We should be going on a fun and romantic trip. Instead I will sit here alone wondering where it all went wrong. When our dreams were no longer our dreams. Thinking about the beautiful children we have sleeping in their beds and the hurt he has caused them. Thinking of the unbearable pain he has caused all of us. Praying for Karma….something….

And sadly…wondering why he is doing and thinking on our anniversary…