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I’m not sure if this is the right place for this but if anyone has any input I’d appreciate it...

So STBXWH moved out a few weeks ago. My DD9 just told me that she prefers STBX’s house because it’s more fun - he got them new pets and lets them have sweets for breakfast. I understand the pet thing. But sweets for breakfast annoys the heck out of me. This is on top of knowing that he’s definitely letting them have more screen time than would be usual if we still lived together.

I know divorce means I give up some control over my kids, especially when I’ve been the primary caregiver for so long. I know there is nothing I can do unless the kids are in actual danger. I’m just so angry about it. He cheats, yet I lose time and influence with my kids. He gets to be fun and I get to be the boring one, enforcing rules and boundaries as before. I feel like I no longer matter. What’s the point of me being around?

He cheats, yet I lose time and influence with my kids. He gets to be fun and I get to be the boring one, enforcing rules and boundaries as before. I feel like I no longer matter. What’s the point of me being around?

You will be the one turning them into self-reliant adults with good habits. You will be the positive moral compass for them. Sweets for breakfast and extra screen time will only keep them amused for a short period of time - you will be giving them the tools and structure that they will use for a lifetime.

You've been heard. I get it. But don't forget to give yourself permission to be a fun parent too! I am a truly solo parent and it's hard to be the one and only in charge of the kids. But sometimes I throw caution to the wind and we play hooky for the day, or have ice cream for breakfast. We don't have to be the martyr. We can have fun too.

Your daughter needs you. Think long-term. You aren't raising a child; you are raising an adult. She's going to know who the solid parent is. She's going to know who showed up at her events, who was there to help her when she was sick, who made sure she had school supplies and new shoes. She's going to need you decades down the road when she's an adult to be there and help her with relationship problems, or bringing her something she needs, and being an adult friend.

My parents are still together and are great, though my dad was definitely more the fun parent. But who did I reach out to at age 33 when my life was imploding because my WXH cheated on me? Who is the one that does meaningful, sentimental things like giving me a handmade Christmas ornament every year? Who is the one who offered to bring dessert to my 40th birthday? My mom.

Your daughter needs you. And as twicefooled said, you can also be a fun parent - don't let him define you!

I would offer that you be "fun" in YOUR WAY.

I do SMALL fun things...

Dessert before dinner

Sleeping outside

Movie nights

Cooking class together

Movie night with a sleepover

Once every six week I budget for a hotel night away

The first time we.seoarated I use to do a "park hop". Map out the best parks, pack a lunch and we would hit the road. Depending on how old your kiddos are...try to coordinate on day where kids "eat free" at a restaurant. Or grab an ice cream cone.

Check out your local state parks. Awesome cheap fun.

Invest in good stadium chairs and cooler and you will have great adventures.

The sweets for breakfast...ignore. try smoothies frozen yogurt pops, yogurt bowls...they just have to THINK they are getting away with something. Fruit kabobs and yougurt dipping sauce, blueberry miffins baked in a loaf pan. They think it's cake...you know differently. 😜

I know it's hard momma...and I felt like I had to keep everything the same for them. But you really don't. The consistent thing... routines, bed times, screen time at your house....can remain the same. It should. They are depending .on that stability. But you can do some fun things and try some new things. I can't begin to tell you the new memories we have made.

Head up....you got this

No matter what, please do not let your child ever live with a father like that. I have seen it on this site and in friend’s lives just completely ruin their children, and then turn the child back over to the Mom when the child is 18, spoiled and usually in trouble bc they’ve had no boundaries.

My own children told me how great it was at Dads-he had land, 4 wheelers, etc. It was great until he started leaving the OW kids with them to babysit on his weekends! Every one of my divorced friends said to not give their Dad any of my weekends (even though it’s boring at my house), because he is actually an emotional abuser. They were so right.

Just continue to be the stable parent, mixed in with fun and good memories, too. Definitely get a good IC to help you navigate the next couple of years. Do not give up any of your weekend days and none of your summer/Christmas time to your xh.

In time my sons saw thru their Dad. His unhealthy lifestyle has given him problems, and they (now 21 & 24) thank me often for supporting them.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 5:49 PM, July 6th (Tuesday)]

In the divorce biz, we used to call it "disneyland dad".

Today, I'd say it's "Disneyland parent" bc moms are equally capable of this kind of no boundary parenting.

Kids are smarter than we often give them credit for.

Eventually, they figure out who is the stable one, who provides unconditional LOVE within their BOUNDARIES.

In the meantime, it hurts. It SUCKS. As a BS, it can feel like a whole new violation, more disrespect on top of the mountain of disrespect that prompted the M/relationship to end.

My suggestion is to do what you can to manage those feelings (eg anger, frustration, etc) you carry WRT your ex and his parenting. Kids can sense it, even if you aren't necessarily saying anything. And kids are REALLY good at playing parents against each other to get what they want (as a child of divorce, I was a master at that game).

So - have your parenting boundaries in place. Yes, they DO have to do their homework. No, you aren't going to 6 Flags today bc we can't afford that (and there is NO shame in not having the $ to do the expensive stuff). BUT, we can go to the park, or hiking, or on a bike ride, etc.

When my BFF got divorced, she had 3 young ones, born w/in 18 months of each other (one set of twins). And was broke as a joke. They would bike ride to the park or the library or whatever was FREE. I can still see her like a mamma duck with those kids. They explored all they could in their city, while she watched & pinched her pennies.

Those kids are really great kids. Their "disneyland dad" doesn't have much of a role in their lives (BFF told me the other day that one of her kids sent him a text saying "happy father's day". no card. no gift. no call.). Why? Because that kind of disneyland parenting is not about the kids..... it's an ego stroke for the parent w/o boundaries. It's a way of screaming "love me, love me, love me"... and a way to try and "one up" the other parent. Usually, the boundary-free parent will eventually move on to something else, leaving the kids confused and feeling cast aside (and when that parent is a WS? They are in the business of casting aside humans that don't serve their black hole of emotional neediness, so it feels perfectly comfortable to them - they've shown the level to which they are capable of that kind of behavior).

And trust me - you ABSOLUTELY matter. This is not really "about" you at all.... these are CHILDREN, who are selfish by nature until they learn otherwise, and you can be the parent that helps them learn otherwise, that supports them, etc.

There's a brene brown audio that I just love called "the power of vulnerability" which I got via my local library on Hoopla. It's about 6-8 hours of taped speaking engagements, that synthesizes a lot of Brown's major themes (and iI don't think it's the same as what you'd find on YouTube). It has some really good segments about parenting that REALLY resonated for me (in a "damn I wish I'd heard that when my kids were young" kind of way). I highly recommend it (and bonus! Still has a lot of the healing stuff from Brown that IMHO helps all of us BS navigate the shit show that our lives can become post dday).

Sending hugs to you Perdita1... kids are tricky and they will challenge a lot of our "stuff"... they are excellent at figuring out what our buttons are and pushing them -hard! And... we can see those challenges as opportunities to learn and grow and (bonus) help them do the same.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 11:08 AM, July 3rd, 2021 (Saturday)]

He’s parenting out of guilt.

That’s never a road to success in my opinion.

My ex was,and is, the fun dad.

We divorced when my oldest 2 kids were 3 and 5.

He let them eat junk,watch movies they shouldnt, didn't make them do,well,anything really.

They are now 26 and 28. From the time they were teens,up to now, it is ME they come to when they need anything. I'm their shoulder to cry on. I'm the one they vent to when they've had a bad day. Im the first one they call,when they have good news. I'm the house they come to,on holidays.

He showed them a good time. I'm the one who parented them. I'm the one with a meaningful relationship with them. I'm the one who taught them right from wrong. I'm the one who encouraged them to do better. I'm the one who set rules, and held them accountable. I taught them responsibility.

He's still the fun dad. They go out to dinner with him. They joke around on social media with him. He's their buddy.

I'm their mom.

Don't worry about dad being the fun dad. They may love it now,but that changes as they get older.

In the divorce biz, we used to call it "disneyland dad".

Today, I'd say it's "Disneyland parent" bc moms are equally capable of this kind of no boundary parenting.

Thank you for saying this. This is a rail on dads thread. Females will say they are the better parent. Antiquated thinking from 40 years ago that thankfully the courts are coming around to 50/50 custody. Things aren’t always better or worse at dad’s house, just different. Some moms can’t handle losing control of their kids to anyone else. Children grow up more well rounded with fathers in their lives. It’s a proven fact. But you wouldn’t know it from reading angry, scorned women who think their way is best. Both parents should be given equal freedoms to raise kids on how they feel best. It’s called coparenting.

This is a rail on dads thread

Only because no men have posted here talking about the shitty parenting coming from their children's mothers.

In no way was I railing on dads. My husband happens to be a wonderful father. My ex happens to be a lousy one. My post was to let OP know that being the fun parent doesn't necessarily mean the kids will think he is a great parent.

I'm not bitter,nor am I angry. He and I have been divorced for decades,and we are friends.

Not all dads are capable of coparenting. So your attempt to belittle our experiences, is ridiculous.

Of course there are shitty moms. We see them on this site every day. Not all women are capable of coparenting either. I've not studied the answers in this thread, but what I did read,no one was saying women are better parents. We are telling OP that being the fun dad(because she is a woman, dealing with a man), doesn't always equate to being a better relationship with your children. Sometimes I suppose it does. In MY experience, it didn't.

And, again..I'm quite sure of some men want to share their experience with OP, of dealing with a lousy mother, they are more than welcome.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:41 PM, July 4th (Sunday)]

Honestly, you don't have anything to worry about.

If she has a great time at her dad's and they have a great relationship, then that's the best thing for your daughter!!! Encourage her to have a strong relationship with her dad.

Here is the problem though... can he keep it up? Being a Disney Dad is hard work and it takes a lot of time. Sooner or later, there ends up being a lot of Disney and not so much Dad.

Be the better parent. Which means letter your STBX parent his way... and supporting your child no matter what.

Due to the current state of the court system that is slanted towards moms and away from dads, many dads use the very few precious ‘days’ a month with their children to do something special.

Gosh, I’m sorry if it sounded like I was bashing fathers. There are many great fathers out there, but my xh and Perdita1’s don’t seem to fit that description….. In my case my xh was using the kids to babysit, and being fun so he could get more time with them and pay less child support.

My kids had such a great time at their house and I want them to be happy. My friends stepped in to say that I get parenting time with my children and I need to carve out that time no matter what, bc their father and OW (who is a Mother, btw) are horrible role models and using them. Sure enough when OW son was old enough to stay home alone, or went to his Dads house, they dropped my kids like a hot potato and went on vacations alone during their time with my kids-most sadly Christmas.

I’ve seen Moms here on SI (no Dads that I know of) give their xh custody bc the kids seem happier at Dads, but Dad turns the kids against the Mom and it’s so, so, sad. If the parent (Moms and Dads) would keep their boundaries and have the time time allotted to them by the courts or agreements, they could have had a potentially better outcome for the involved children and parents.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 11:58 AM, July 10th (Saturday)]

I’m a month into 50/50 parenting. It’s a tough adjustment. My middle is always over the top excited to go to dad’s. He adores dad. The other kids are happy too, but I’m sure my middle would go there daily if he could. Initially, it felt like rejection. Even though I know that wasn’t my child’s intent with his excitement.

I know at dad's they get more screen time. They have a bit more free range to run around and be wild indoors. Plus, they genuinely enjoy the time with dad. He loves them and is a good father to them.

Over the last month, I’ve started to notice that they get excited about different things at each house. While they may still be over the moon excited to go to dad’s, I know there’s things here they love and appreciate, too. With mom there’s more outside time, going places. With dad there’s more movies and games. With mom there’s sleepovers in the living room. With dad, there’s more free range to wrestle and run. When the kids come home, I see them seeking out the things they lack at dad’s. I’m sure they do the same when they go to dad’s, seek out the things they get less of here.

We just parent differently and neither way is wrong. The kids are happy and loved and safe in both homes. Sometimes the kids may say things that feel like rejection to you or wanting one parent more, but you never know what they say when they’re with their dad. It’s entirely possible they say the same things to him about things they like better with you. He probably just doesn’t tell you.

Hang in there. Shared parenting is hard.

My WWex considers herself to be the fun parent- no rules, doesnt say "no", sugar for breakfast, etc.

But my daughter considers ME to be the fun parent, because in spite of rules, the word "no", and healthy meals, we actually do things together instead of watching youtube all day and being supremely boring.

Just keep doing you and you'll be okay.

It’s taken a while for me to reply but I just wanted to thank everyone for their thoughts on this thread. Co-parenting (especially when you’ve been the primary caregiver for so long) is so hard.