5 years out, and still in R. We still talk about the betrayal on a near-daily basis. Our talks these days are different than they were when we were in the same spot in the recovery timeline as you are. We both initiate these days. Typically that begins with something we saw on SI and then we end up discussing our thoughts and experiences on whatever topic that is.
Hang in there MyandI. This process is hard, long and slow and seems impossible to survive sometimes. But if you put in the work, you may be very surprised at just how much things can change.
What I came here to tell you is that, not only is it possible for a day to go by without talking about the A, but more importantly, talking about the A can become something positive and even desired. Talking about the A is how you ultimately heal from it, and vice-versa, both of you. It is how we understand ourselves better, and how we understand our relationships better.
I'd also like to add that NOT talking about the A is about as bad as it gets. When the conversation itself is off the table, that is a sign that forward movement has stopped.
I know it is hard to imagine right now, because your life and your marriage may feel like a war right now, like a daily battle, and each side is simultaneously trying to win the war, but also survive the battle. But when the war is over, then both sides have the ability to come together again as equals, and see what has transpired not as a war, but as a shared history. The truth is, infidelity is a story both of you share. It is a common experience you both understand and had a part in. Warriors who survive war seek out other warriors. Cancer patients who made it seek out other cancer patients. Survivors of trauma seek out others who understand, and who experienced similar traumas. In this case, you and your wife shared the same trauma, the same story, and this can be a bond for both of you. It just needs to stop being a war first, and in order to do so, we must first look to ourselves. When you can talk about the infidelity, not as adversaries, but as survivors, then the conversations will change. "You did (this) to me..." is no longer heard as a statement of blame but as a recounting of history, a statement of fact, a discussion of memory. When the war is on, we answer that charge with defensiveness and anger, such as, "When are going to stop rubbing it in my face? I said I'm sorry!" and it changes to, "Yes, I remember that, and I remember how much it hurt you when I did that. I don't know how you managed to survive that? I just wasn't capable of being compassionate then, I was too wrapped up in my own pain to see yours. I was going to do what I wanted to, and like a fool, I did. I'm sorry for being an ass. But I'm glad we can talk about it now."
Infidelity CAN be a gift of sorts, if you allow it to be. It is a failure that exposes our deepest flaws and most broken parts of ourselves. If we use that to define ourselves as "bad people" then the war is lost before it even begins. Used to find, fix and replace those flaws, we can end up not only loving ourselves more, but building new skills of communication and understanding with our spouses that allow for something more beautiful to grow. It really CAN happen (I'm not saying it WILL, but it CAN). We can choose to allow the old marriage to die, and to create a new one from scratch. One you create together, with vision and purpose.