So
Disclaimer: if you have ANYTHING negative to say about my BH, please do not respond. If you are one of the flame fuelers (I know there are a few, both BS and WS.) please refrain from going back and forth and telling him about this. If you truly care about his well being, let him keep working towards indifference. There have been so many times I truly came here for help and it was tainted by some pretty terrible responses. There are great people here, there are also very damaged people that shouldn’t be giving advice, myself included. I’m not going to call anyone out, but be mindful that my BH has been to Hell and back and he’s only human. And while there’s two sides to every story, I will refrain from giving any opinion about my BH or his healing. He is hurting. End of story.
When I started here, I was the furthest thing from being ready to fix this. I lied, minimized. I did not follow the books or advice. I was trapped in fear and self-preservation. There were things that happened that shouldn’t have. (Not going to discuss or re-hash as this forum already had too many opinions. What’s done is done and opinions are irrelevant.) The “timeline” was not even half assed done. After some pretty bad stuff, I broke NC with my APs mother. I was so angry, hurting, unable to accept my fault in all of this and I was desperate to tear someone apart and bring them down with me. After all, it was HER fault for raising a POS. She also played a role in the affair. Why blame myself? I did quickly block her, but it was still broken NC. (And shot myself on the foot. For one, I now question if I was ever talking to her and if it was my AP the whole time. Second, I know my AP has convinced my BH I have still kept communication with him. I haven’t, but I have no credibility. Did it to myself.)
From that point on, everything moved so fast. We ended up with a HB pregnancy, my grandma (and biggest supporter) was dying of cancer, COVID, birth of baby, inherited and moved into grandma’s house. When we moved, I thought it was a fresh start. BH was still all over and while it wasn’t perfect, I did try to become someone he could trust. He had access to everything on my phone, I made it a point to be home often, I communicated where I was and who I was with. He did finally get a timeline. A full timeline with every detail I could remember. (At this point it was a year out.) We we’re doing things as a family. The PTSD outbursts were still intense when they happened, but when things were good, they seemed great. We were having sex daily. He was telling me he didn’t want to get divorced. That there was a chance. That I could work to better this. He was being present. This is what I always wanted for us. I found myself being willing to talk more and more but I started getting told he didn’t want to talk about it all the time. I found myself really showing him how I felt during the affair, even though I knew he’d never fully trust me. I expressed that the yelling was too much. It was too scary and hurtful. He stopped. We hadn’t been fighting. I truly thought we could make it.
Then there were 2 weeks of coldness. Sex happened but it was awkward. I finally pressured him to decide what he needed. One day I came home, he had contacted my AP again. I guess my AP sent him a video. I cannot for the life of my remember this happening. (And to the flame fuelers, I already know you don’t believe me and neither does he. It’s irrelevant. I believe he saw a video and I believe it shattered whatever he had left.) I don’t know if he was looking to AP to make his decision or if the decision was already made. It doesn’t matter.
I had a terrible few days. I was heartbroken and shattered. I considered hospitalizing myself because I was so hurt. How could I believe we’d make it? I went off completely. After several days of pure hell and chaos, I let up a bit. That day BH started texting me again. Telling me he’d always have a love for me. That he cared about me for selfish reasons. That I’ll always hold a special place in his heart. I lost it completely. You hate me. You don’t hate me. I’m a monster. I’m not. I went off on him. He ended up triggered and it was a big blow up. We reached a point of calm and I was able to express that I thought we were making progress. That’s how it looked and felt. That I was appreciative of his presence. At that point, he told me being present was nothing more than the pick me dance. That he was there but it wasn’t because it meant something to him. That was my moment of clarity. This was all I ever wanted. And now because of my choice to cheat, it was all fake.
I willingly ruined him and our lives. I lied. I never expected him to trust me. For me, I knew I was being honest and faithful. But the damage was done. I believed I had a chance because I thought I did. I knew my heart was in it for the long haul. But there’s no coming back from this.
I need to pull it together for the kids. I’ve been trying to keep things normal. We are starting to sort things out. I know he’s afraid, but he’s a good dad and will always be present in their lives. I’m trying to make sure he’s comfy enough to be with them and make him aware of what they need when they aren’t expressing it to dad. (Oldest struggles to communicate.) I don’t want these boys to be scared.
Last night I was at the park, the youngest was in a swing for the first time. I was recalling that moment with the other boys. A painful but freeing thought hit me. While it hurts to lose my companion and friend, not much will change. And what does change will be for the better. Instead of once a week therapy, I will have more time to invest in better healing options. Our boys still have 2 parents that love them and will be there for them. The broken family part hurts, but they aren’t losing a mom or dad. They will still have us both. Hopefully healthier versions.
This sucks. I caused it. Time to move forward. I can’t be a monster forever. I can’t hate myself forever.