No stop sign.
Maybe I can help.
DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT A DOCTOR AND I HAVE NO TRAINING IN THIS AREA. READ AND CONSUME AT YOUR OWN RISK. CONSULT YOUR PHYSICIAN. ETC.
I don't talk about it much here, but we lived through years of dead bedroom, and hella much frustration, after years of an active, satisfying sex life without a lot of effort on either of our parts.
*I realize that I am jumping into just this aspect of your situation without preamble and without any consideration for the rest of the moving parts in your scenario. Please bear with me for a moment.*
My husband's 'interest' took a nose dive off of a cliff in our mid-ish thirties. We chalked it up to work stress, life stress, family stress, plain old stress, and God knows, there was enough of that to go around. Both of us had uber demanding jobs with insane hours, especially for two working parents with young children.
Our kids, while not special needs, were not especially easy, middle of the bell curve kids.
1. They were 21 months apart.
2. Both boys.
3. Both off the charts IQ, literally, but
4. Both early in life diagnosis ADD/ADHD.
This was in the early-ish days of ADD/ADHD as a mainstream diagnosis and Ritalin was being handed out like a wonder drug.
We and our pediatrician weren't so sure about that.
So we went our own way, and to this day, I am not sure if that was the right call. I won't say it was, I won't say it wasn't, I honestly just don't know. We never put either kid on Ritalin nor any similar behavior/mood modification drug. Instead, we strove to keep them engaged and active and physically involved in sports, extracurricular activities, etc.
I wish I could tell you that it was a sufficient stand in for medication. I cannot. I just don't know. Both kids struggled with their own versions of difficulties. Ritalin might have helped? or not. Who knows.
But it wore us the fuck out. We were often flat assed exhausted, keeping two boys 'busy enough' not to have time for poor choices/poor impulse control, engaged to their capabilities, etc.
Meanwhile, our bosses didn't care, and our families were world class unsupportive. (Don't get me started.) Classic case of "Not. My. Problem."
Anyway, physical intimacy just, died.
At first I fought that like a champ- I've described it elsewhere. And then I just gave up and stopped beating my head against that wall.
And then, by the time other pressures began to subside (kids grown and out of the house, I much reduced my work obligation, didn't need the stress or the income anymore) Husband's job went super nova in terms of demand and stress.
You can't scream at a stressed out, overworked guy to give him an erection. LOL, ASK ME HOW I KNOW.
Both of us became experts at avoiding intimacy while still living together and sharing bathrooms.
We did actually stop sleeping together for years, not so much to avoid intimacy but because his sleep patterns were so disrupted by stress that we kept each other awake all night if we tried to share a bed.
Long story, won't go into it here, but a few (or a little more) years ago I ran into some info/research on the topic.
Now, we'd already consulted physicians about Husband's lack of libido and increasingly difficult struggles with ED and got, literally, NOWHERE. Like, beating our heads against a wall.
Husband was then and is now still a younger man in excellent health and physical condition, with no history of cigarette smoking and exceptionally rare (like, not even yearly) cigar smoking, moderate alcohol consumption, regular exercise, appropriate weight, no diabetes or hypertension issues, etc.
Without even checking his testosterone, my husband's internist immediately went to, "Well, maybe you just aren't into your wife anymore."
Husband protested: he wasn't asking his doctor for help to get an erection because he wasn't attracted to his wife. He was asking for help because he wanted a sex life with his wife... but his dick wouldn't cooperate.
(Trust me. I offered so many varied and innumerate exits by this point that this would not have been an issue.)
I was stunned then, when it happened, but the whole 'man-opause' industry had yet to take root.
If I knew then what I know now, I would have gone straight to our state's medical review board and filed a malpractice complaint.
Fast forward, once I became aware, I *demanded* a work up.
First I had to convince Husband to get over his denial, then I had to strong arm said internist through my husband, then we both had to wait for said internist to plod through his version of testosterone supplementation.
To say that the internist was *very conservative* was an understatement.
He put Husband on the barest minimum of topical treatment and was at that extremely conservative about it.
In the meantime, while this is happening, I'm stepping back and giving both my husband and his doctor room to work this out. No guy needs a nagging nanny when he's trying to work out his man juice issues.
So I backed off, big time.
And over the next 2 years, things got, WORSE. MUCH WORSE.
Still no sex, no initiation on Husband's part, but OMG his entire mood, will to live, outlook on life, energy level, everything, just, TANKED.
And work was continuing to be super nova work. =/ =/
Husband had kept all of his lab results and drs. visit notes. I *finally* pulled my own head out of my ass, grabbed this bull by the horns, sat down with all of the lab results and drs. notes, and started charting and graphing. And reading. and researching.
OMFG. OMFG.
What I found:
Topical testosterone works for those for whom it works. It can be a matter of absorption, or reception, or the amount of testosterone that person is still naturally producing- but if it works, peace, it works.
For those for whom it does NOT work, either absorption issues, or receptiveness, or native testosterone levels, it flat out DOES NOT WORK.
In fact, it can act as a negative feedback loop: THE VERY PRESENCE OF AN INADEQUATE TOPICAL TESTOSTERONE TREATMENT CAN INHIBIT THE PATIENT'S OWN PRODUCTION OF TESTOSTERONE, THUS LOWERING THE OVERALL TESTOSTERONE LEVEL.
AND THAT IS *EXACTLY* WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HUSBAND.
I blew a gasket. I fucking blew a gasket. I am not kidding.
And that caused my husband's internist to dig both heels in even harder- HE'S THE DOCTOR HERE.
OK, I get that, and I *do* respect it- BUT IF YOU'RE THE DOCTOR, FUCKING *BE* THE DOCTOR- OR STEP OFF.
The internist wanted to *graaaaadually* ramp up on the topical treatment- meanwhile I've read the research that says that when it works, it works, and when it doesn't, it doesn't- move on- there are other therapies.
And also in the meantime, he'd run another blood panel on my husband.
I'm going to be a little loosey goosey about this part, I haven't thought about it in a couple of years now, so I'm not as exacting about it as I was then-
but there are a couple of different testosterone levels that are measured on these blood panels. The one that, IIRC, most directly correlates with boner production (not to put too fine a point on it) and libido is free testosterone.
After the first stage of the internist's plan to gradually ramp up the topical testosterone, my husband's free testosterone level was lower than that of A 94 YEAR OLD MAN. We do not know to *exactly* what age my husband's free testosterone level correlated- because the chart ended at 94 years of age AND MY HUSBAND'S FREE TESTOSTERONE LEVEL WAS LOWER THAN THAT.
OMG.
I 'fired' that internist on the spot. I literally told Husband: decide to whom you want to be married, that internist or me. LOL. AND I'M PRETTIER.
As an aside, this is Husband's doctor, I get that. As an internist, he is more than capable, and Husband is bonded with him. I did not demand that Husband fire him as a personal physician, that was/is not my call to make. As a physician who is influencing our intimate life (KILLING IT) I most certainly had/have a say about *that.*
So Husband continues to see this physician as an internist, and in that Husband is otherwise in excellent physical condition, and otherwise this internist seems to be competent, I am OK with that.
But I fired the fuck out of him as a male sexual health physician.
I did some digging and found adequately credentialed men's health physicians in our area with whom I was familiar and comfortable, who had established practices and depth in treating ED, etc.
*I MADE THE APPOINTMENT.*
And I charted out and typed up *several years* of lab results, and supplied the back up documentation and drs. notes.
And I sent Husband off with all of this on board to see a dr. who specialized in this area.
OMG. OMG. OMG.
Instead of lolligagging around for another YEAR OR MORE with *graaaaaaaaaaaadually* ramping up topical testosterone, this practice took a proactive pivot.
First, they did require Husband/us to hold course for a several week period (I don't remember exactly, but it was maybe a month? or so? don't quote me) for the topical testosterone treatment to be depleted/no longer in play.
Then they took more bloodwork and got baseline readings.
THEN they went straight to injectable testosterone.
And they titrated that- calibrated it to Husband's blood level readings.
It was a process but it was and is and continues to be AN EFFECTIVE PROCESS.
THE RESULTS WERE DAMNED NEAR IMMEDIATE. :) :)
ALLOW ME TO REPEAT THIS: THE RESULTS WERE DAMNED NEAR IMMEDIATE. :) :)
^^^ And this not only affected our intimate life, and Husband's sexual health, but also his overall health, mood, and demeanor.
Husband is a much happier man with normal testosterone levels- irregardless of our intimate life, but especially so considering it.
I've not brought this up too much on SI because, AFAIK at this point, Husband's indiscretion was waaaaaaay before anything like this issue had taken root. I think I'm pretty accurate in saying that when Husband did The Stupid, all it took was a stiff breeze to get him hard. =/
The subsequent dead bedroom that happened in between the incident itself and my much later full discovery and understanding of it is probably only (but enormously) relevant in terms of the effect that the combination of the two separate things, plus the passage of time, had/has on me.
True, true, and unrelated on Husband's side of the equation.
OMG WTF! on my side of the equation.
But here's what:
To this day we don't know, will never know, if it's genetics or predisposition or what that contributed to the set up for this problem.
But the literature is pretty clear:
Toxic stress is destructive to normal testosterone levels.
If your husband, Darkness Falls, keeps putting 'initiating' off onto you, if he's asking you to carry your entire sex life,
this particular factor might be in play.
It stands out to me.
See if he's amenable to getting his testosterone levels checked. You may be surprised to find that some, if not many, of your answers are there.
Incidentally, as a sequela to my research on Husband's testosterone levels, I also had my levels checked. I also use a very small amount of testosterone cream. Post menopause- testosterone was what I missed the most.
Not anymore.
Also, another thing that I ran across in my research:
Men pursuing 'extracurricular' sexual involvement while trying to sort out an out of left field issue with ED is *not* unusual. Wasn't our particular situation but we can both see how it might evolve.
DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT A PHYSICIAN. I HAVE NO EXPERTISE NOR TRAINING IN THIS AREA. PLEASE CONSULT YOUR OWN PHYSICIAN.
[This message edited by marriageredux959 at 9:57 PM, December 18th (Friday)]