Hi All,
I am re-joining SI after being off for several years.. I have checked in occasionally to read others posts but have not commented. I honestly needed the time to heal on my own but I just want to start out by saying that SI saved me and I am forever grateful to all of the support and helpful advice of the wonderful people here.
I titled this post Hope but 41/2 years ago I felt hopeless. I had hit rock bottom. I married my best friend in 2001... we seemed to have a solid marriage but of course there were cracks that were ignored and long story short I entered a very painful 4 year affair with a family friend. There were multiple D-Day's and I was too weak at the time to end it. I felt like a drug addict..stopping the relationship left me shattered and experiencing withdrawals but not ending it left me shattered for treating my BS so terribly. I agreed to have one final meet up with the AP and I knew that I needed to end it for good. And I did. I remained NC despite AP's multiple attempts to contact me. I stayed on SI for support for hours a day. I felt sick, lost weight but I was committed. I also attended support groups, got physically healthier and was finally completely open and honest with BS. It was a long recovery (we are still recovering everyday)but after all of these years, our relationship is stronger, I am wiser and am now even grateful that I finally met my shadow self at 40 who taught me lessons of acceptance and gratitude.
This took almost 5 years but it is possible.. there is Hope! At the time, there were SI folks who told me my story was one of the saddest they had heard because of the level of my betrayal. I would have never thought that I would have been capable of what I had done to a person who I love so much. But guess what, we are all human and everyone is capable. You are still worthy of forgiveness but you need to do the right thing. You need to learn from your mistakes and do everything in your power to take the right path. Be your most authentic self and forgive yourself. This takes a LOT of work but it's possible.
Read Maia's Survival Guide because if you are not able to get exit the affair you are literally on drugs..get off the drug. Get support. Treat yourself like an addict because that is what you are. I marked 21 days on my calendar and initially made that my goal.. then added 21 more and eventually the drug was out of my system and I was able to focus on all the other work.
I don't know who needs hope right now or who needs to hear this but I am here to help and offer advice if anyone needs it. Love and strength to you all!
